To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

Take your point.

BUT what if colleague in question is a lazy and unhelpful one. What then? There’s a lot of it
about.

It’s all such a waste of everyone’s time.

No wonder productivity is in the toilet despite all the tech we have available!

The first is sickening!

There's a difference between a shit ton of waffle and brief, polite acknowledgment and appreciation of their efforts while you ask for something.

Your draft nails it, though, I think 😁

I don’t, I hate "I hope this email finds you well" because I know the sender couldn’t really care less and "warmest regards" is meaningless if said to everybody. But there are still ways of wording requests that come across as more polite and human than other ways.

Emails also need to be tailored for audience.

So for example, I've had emails from colleagues I don't know that say something like

"can you tell me about the ACME project?", Regards Steve

I've actually raised these sorts of email with managers as unhelpful (yes, even if they come from men) as I think the colleague needs to tell me who they are and why they want the information rather than just throwing me an enquiry like that. Yes, I know about the ACME project -it's a huge project spanning 10 years, what do you want from me? An email like that puts me off helping you before we've even started.

Equally if writing to a client, you need to think about customer service.

Good rule of communication is that you need to think about how the receipient will perceive your message, not what suits you.

I suspect "flowery" is the manager being flowery themselves and not saying "rude".

Maybe when you explained the first time you didn't do such a good job of your explanation? It takes two to communicate and if you were at fault getting - and it sounds like you think it's the other person at fault - and how can you be so sure, you being blunt at this point isn't going to help.

I was told the same 10 years ago (I’m 40) and it still annoys me! A man wouldn’t have been told that but I’ve also been very successful so she was wrong 😊

If I do have an awkward email to send rather than overthinking, I do make the most of ChatGPT these days and just chuck what I want/need it there and let it spit out the email.

One of my colleagues set her font to italic cursive. It's bloody infuriating and I pretty much ignore her emails because they are impossible to read 😂

A bit of malicious compliance here would be excellent.

If it were me I would do, word for word, the same “small talk” at the start and end of every email to this person. On every email. Forever. No exceptions.

Completely agree. It's pretentious claptrap from the "be kind" brigade. Completely insincere.

Am I the only one who would add a gif of flowers to my email signature...

I’ve recruited and trained/mentored many people over the years and have definitely told many men to soften their tone, as well as women. I’ve also told both men and women to be less wordy and more on point my. There’s a middle ground and it isn’t based on your sex.

Written communication comes naturally to some but others need to develop the skill.

‘Flowery’ is a valid (albeit older fashioned!) word for elaborate speech or writing - you’re assuming its gendered because you’re associating ‘flowery’ with feminine - why?

Because the rest of our society does…

Agree. And YANBU.

I thought it’d be a woman. Men generally don’t give a hoot about that kind of stuff. Like the woman boss I had years ago who insisted I wear court shoes to work (I used to wear good condition, polished Doc Martin shoes). I worked on an hotel reception desk (feet largely hidden) and was on my feet all day. She said it was ‘in case you have to walk across the reception area’. I asked why that wouldn’t be acceptable. She got flustered and basically said it wouldn’t be acceptable to the male gaze haha! It was because she wore court shoes and was rather preoccupied about being attractive to men, so clearly thought my bum should wiggle more too. I pointed out my male colleagues wore similar shoes to me.

Some people (usually women sadly IME) have to micromanage and judge other women by their own standards at work. If your emails are always as polite and professional in tone, as you describe, and (sounds like) mainly to internal colleagues anyway, I’d just politely humour/ignore her. If she keeps bringing it up, ask in writing for examples of the preferred way, an explanation of how that’d affect the outcome and bring up the comparison to male colleagues. Once they have to explain it they realise how petty and unreasonable it is.

Flowery is a bad word, they are being very unreasonable for using that. It doesn't sound like something that would ever be said to a man.
Obviously tone doesn't come across with written word like it does verbally. I write a brief but nice 'hope you're keeping well' after my greeting and before the request/feedback and its served me well because let's be honest, nobody wants to spend time reading over beautifully written prose for a simple request.

Could you not reply Hello Steve , happy to help, please let me know what kind of information you need and how the project might impact your own work . Meanwhile I’m attaching the outline document.
?

My old assistant used to do that… she was a delight, but she would ask vendors she’d speak to 3 times a year what their holiday plans were or send pictures of what she was doing.

Or email ‘thank you’ back for everything - which was fine, except when you receive it 15 times a day. Or she would never challenge an unreasonable request or feedback, just say ‘sounds good, thank you 😊’

She had a reputation for being a lovely person, but not the most efficient worker. I didn’t give the feedback to make emails less flowery though!

I know a workplace where 4 people have left in quick succession due to a new manager being brought in who speaks to like this. My friend is hanging on due to personal reasons but she's miserable. There's no feeling of friendliness or team camaraderie.

So from her experience and from your tone, I'd take the advice.

This and smile emojis in work communication makes me take the sender less seriously by default. It's completely unnecessary.

You can be polite and friendly without waffle.

Hi Steve,
Thanks for the spreadsheet last week, really appreciate the extra detail.
Could you please clarify page 2, column D? Is this the monthly data?
Thanks
BF

Hi Steve,
Long time no speak! Hope you're well.
I'm looking for some info on X project - specifically the data sources for the monthly figures. Do you have these please or can you point me in the right direction?
Thanks
BF

I hate it. It’s like the 1870s called. And it’s a rhetorical question. They clearly don’t want to actually know how you are.

Why not just say ‘how are you?’ or ‘how’s your week going?’. When I ask people how they are, they often tell me, i.e. I was ill over the weekend or my week’s been hellish, and it builds understanding and rapport.

This.

A man might be asked to be less direct but never more flowery and soft.

The manner in which you've been asked is sexist, even if the request would be made to all staff. (Which if they are using gendered criticism, is likely not to be the case).

I think your emails sound absolutely fine, OP.

But I’m someone that rolls my eyes at ‘hope you’re well’ (do you really, random associate?) and ‘kind’ regards (regards will suffice, thanks).