To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

I am afraid to be too apologetic in emails. If the email is too soft e.g. just take a look, then I am afraid people won't take it seriously. I often need people to exsmine a spreadshhet closely.

. Also we are on reasonably tight deadlines so people can't afford to ignore an email for a week due to a softly sofly approach.

I put Hello at the start and Kind Regards at the end.

The organisation is work for is about 70% men and a lot are ex-military so I’m used to brusque emails 🤦‍♀️ I used to get fed up when people just started the email with my first name rather that ‘Dear First Name’. It felt like they were barking orders at me 😂

Now, I know who does it, I know it’s their style, I know they do it to everyone, therefore I don’t feel offended. I just use my own style and that’s fine. If anything, they probably roll their eyes with me starting off every email with ‘hope you’re well’ 😝 😂

I must admit I struggle with this.
We had a change of management and it was clear that nicities in every message to colleagues was expected, from everyone though, male, female, older, younger. I didn't find it sexist.
I am quite direct, far too much, I think, so now I type out messages how I would normally and then go back add the 'how are yous?, did you have a good weekend?' at the end before pressing send 😁 but it doesn't come naturally to me.

My blunt response would be - your company are paying you, they can ask you to do whatever they like, within reason and the boundaries of your job description.

I think people can be offended and upset by direct emails in a way that I just don’t understand.

I’ve had this feedback indirectly before, and now have a trusted (male) colleague who is way nicer than me that I’ll send an email too if I think it needs to be softer or more cuddly and ask him to proof read for tone, or to suggest amends.

A friend of mine was given this exact feedback when she first became a manager and took it on board. She's doing much better now.
At first her emails were winding people up even though they were short, to the point and didn't contain any unnecessary fluff. No one directly complained but she was seen as cold and unapproachable.
When she added things like 'hope everyone has a good weekend', 'I know you're busy', 'Thanks for all your hard work, we do appreciate it', and that sort of thing, her new team thought she was great. She also made sure she was relaxed and friendly on calls with them. How you are perceived is important and being seen as cold won't help your career.

i prefer your style OP and use it myself, brushing away all the Hope you are wells and Have a nice weekends I get back.
I associate them mostly with your generation interestingly.
if there’s a house style for emails then they should write it down so everyone can refer to it.

I change my style of writing depending on who I’m writing to/what the dynamics are/what I need from them.

I suspect this has been said to you because you have pissed someone off. What looks polite and to the point to some people looks blunt and rude to others.

That first one makes me feel sick. It's so fake, and I'm a private person so I don't want to know that my personal stuff is being chatted about by colleagues.

There's a happy medium in between those two emails, which is professional and friendly without being gushing and fake.

I used to be like this - I'd just answer the question/say what needed doing. I'd always sign off "kind regards".

But now I add in a "thanks for your email" if its a reply. Or a "hope you're well" if I'm starting an email.

The thing is people put "hope you're well" to me in emails and when I reply I don't respond to that with a "yes I'm well". Still not sure if I should or not!

What are you like with giving criticism?

Sometimes people think they are professional or even “don’t suffer fools” but actually they are terrifying and generally get off on how much better they are than almost everyone else.

You might think you get the best from people, but others around you might think they won’t voluntarily work with you/ interactions are fraught and difficult.

The fact that as a senior you even ask “why should I” indicates to me that you might be inclined to throw your weight and expertise around (I.e. that you’re a bully) and that you really don’t see yourself as being part of a team that gets everyone over the line.

Was the word flowery actually used by the manager ? Even if it was all you to do is add words like can, would, please

Honestly, the point I always make to my juniors - especially those looking to progress - is that different styles are sometimes needed for different people, within reason. This applies to emails and real life interaction and the two will often inform each other in people's minds.

As you'll have seen from some of these replies, if you offend people, the simple fact is they often won't do anything (or anything more than the basics) to help you or further your aims.

You can stick to your style, which some people seem to be finding rude or abrupt, make points about sexism (if it exists) and refuse to adapt, risking those consequences - completely up to you. Or you can ask yourself how this perception of your tone (just in emails?) might be impacting how easy it is to do your job and achieve your aims, and consider how you might adapt in order to make things better and easier.

If you're looking to become more senior and manage people, adapting your style, as well as knowing when to stand your ground and when to flex for that matter, are really important skills too develop like any other.

Good luck.

I had a colleague who wrote 'polite' but frankly unfriendly emails and she didn't get far, our company practically ran on favours and the only way to get anything done was by being charming enough. She was always confused why my projects got over the line faster than hers every single time, but never changed her style or worked on her people skills. At least you've been told so you've got a chance to adapt!

@BonkersBaddies I could have written your post. I tend to write the email I want, realise it is a bit stark and then edit it. I also occasionally forget.

The trouble with emails is they can often miss the nuances of language. The vast majority of communication is non verbal. As humans we pick up on other things when we are face to face with someone. This isn’t apparent when we are not communicating face to face.
I do think there is an element of sexism here.
I myself think there is a way of being direct whilst still polite.
I’ve often held back from being as blunt as the sender of messages because I’m not that rude. I do however mirror people in their direct, face to face speech. So if someone asks a question which I have already explained the answer to, I will be very brief in my response and mention ‘like I have explained,’ or words to that effect. I’m the same if someone gets arsey, I don’t take any time with them. They are cut short and not given my consideration.

I am Central Eurpoean.
Like you, polite but not flowery.
If I hear one more time that I am supposed to say "sorry" and 45 sentence essay in emails to someone who messed up when letting them politely and profesionally know there was a mistakr, I will explode.

I feel you. And yes, agree with PPs, it's expected of women.

Do you remember the experiment when two people switched their emails?
https://fairygodboss.com/career-topics/man-and-woman-swap-email-signatures-at-work-and-expose-hardcore-sexism

Sign off "Love and lots and lots of smoochy kissess sweetykins xxxxxxxxx

Or perhaps not.

Would be nice to get an example of a man's emails just to see the difference.

Exactly, @saraclara .
Eg
Good morning
Im just to starting the prep for x and it would really help to see the y figures . Is it possible to let me have them today instead of next week please ?
Many thanks for your help.

You have my sympathies @BoldBrickDreamer. I freelance and have noticed over the last couple of years a number of colleagues, at different organisations, have started adding an x to their sign-offs.

Madness.

One more thing - I've seen insincere colleagues receiving this feedback go from rude to sickly over-the-top smarmy and both are quite off-putting!

The way to navigate this, I find, is just to develop a genuine appreciation of how others help you do your job and consideration of the fact you're adding something to what is probably an already busy plate. None of this, "well it's their JOB!" attitude.

This line of thinking should naturally inform your tone appropriately.

That's the perfect example of a clear but pleasant email.

I tend to word emails on the same way that I'd communicate with that person if they were in front of me.

@BoldBrickDreamer if you read your email back to yourself and can imagine using those exact same words if you bumped into your colleague in the corridor, you should be okay. If using those few words (and saying nothing else) in that corridor situation would be rude or brusque, then you need to rethink.

What does “flowery” and “softer” have to do with being polite? As for it not being about gender, would a man have to be “flowery” to come across as polite? 😂

If someone already has a "busy plate"

Then reading a shit ton of waffle from every cunt that emails them is just going to add to that plate. Then if they have to reply with a wordy load of bollocky word salad, that's also adding to their plate.

Polite, but to the point should be the goal.

Something like,
"Oi dicknose, here's that shit you said you wanted you wet spunk weasel"
👍🏻👍🏻

I hate hate hate all the “how was your weekend” bollocks from people I know full well don’t care how my weekend was because we’re not friends. Goes to the bottom of the heap along with emails from pronoun people (often one and the same).