To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

That’s not far off lifestyle PR, actually. The standard sign-off is:

Shall we do drinks soon?!
xx

(Please note you never actually do do drinks.) Moving to a new industry without the Xs was like being blasted by cold slurry the first day.

You have had feedback from one person, who is not your manager. Have a chat with your actual manager to see how you come across generally in emails. If you are pissing your manager off too, then worth changing, if only for your own career prospects. If it is just that person who wants flowery, you can politely agree to disagree, or add waffle just for her.

For what it's worth, I much prefer direct to the "hi, how are you" preamble. You want something from me, so just ask please! I usually have to write what I mean, then rewrite to add the how was your weekend stuff.

I feel the opposite. We are all humans, let's be nice.

Someone once told dh he should ask people how they are in an email or ask them about their weekend. He told us how he does it now like it was an inspiration and showed us his new way of writing emails. It was literally that now he says ‘hope you’re keeping well’ in his emails😅

We had an issue with a supplier last week, one of my staff came in very worried about a huge invoice which had been sent in from an outside lab. After calling the supplier cheeky bastards who were about to find out what they could do with their invoice etc, I told the staff member I would sort it out and they left feeling much better. I then wrote the following email:

"Regarding your new policy of billing us for additional elements, not requested on the initial order.

While we appreciate your flexibility and customer service, I am aware that we have been making these requests more regularly and I understand that it must be very disruptive to your workflow. I apologize for the disruption and we will take steps to improve the accuracy of ordering process.

Having said that when we were informed of the policy change we were not informed that we would be charged 1200RMB which I think is the equivalent of a new single element scan. If we had been aware at the time we would have queried it. Please can you reconsider the rate, I think that a more reasonable fee would be 100RMB per element, unless the sample actually has to be re-run."

They agreed and I thanked them in another email.

Communication is about getting what you want, business is about building and maintaining relationships. I showed my colleague I was as concerned as they, maybe even more so, and I got the supplier on side. Being nice didn't cost me anything and probably saved my company a few hundred quid compared to sending something Teutonic, or worse a shitogram.

The only thing I regret is not suggesting an even lower rate,

It's about communication skills op.

This

I’m obviously exaggerating for emphasis.

And if you were a private person you wouldn’t be showing Brian from accounts pics of your kitten so I wouldn’t know.

My point is by giving a shit about your colleagues and being interested in them you get a lot more than by being brusque.

I think this is about right. It's not flowery, just not curt, and making an effort to avoid sounding like you are giving orders.

I’m an academic who’s worked in three different countries and don’t recognise this at all. Where I work now, I’d get ‘Hi @Sudden, I know it’s a ball-ache, but I only just got this, with a deadline of tomorrow — I see you’re about to go on AL, but could you complete pages 1-14 before you go? Thanks, R’

The only place I’ve ever worked where I routinely got emails I would characterise as ‘flowery’ was the UAE, where emails were larded with ‘dear’ throughout, in a way I initially read as deeply e-aggressive.

100% agree. It makes all the difference when you're asking someone to do something for you.

I genuinely like and care about people, so I really do want to know how people are. I’m not a cat fan so I wouldn’t ask about actual cats, but a puppy on the other hand…..

and clearly my post is exaggerated for emphasis. But by taking a moment to actually give a shit you get far more than just by being brusque.

Your attitude is the problem. Why should I. The simple answer is they're the ones paying you. If you don't like it get a new job. You're the one that likes direct.

My boss is very old school, white. Male, Eton/ Oxbridge and always writes unfailingly polite emails. He's really aware of not offending anyone. Everyone who meets with him always remarks what a lovely guy he is.

It's not gendered IMO it's about manners.

Sometimes it’s about knowing your audience. I adapt generally my email style to the person I’m sending it to (if I know them). So if they like the fluffy stuff (how are you, did you have a good weekend) I include it, if not I don’t.

I have worked at my workplace for much longer than 2 years. You could only sack someone for an email if it constituted gross misconduct.

The 'hope you are well' thing is simply a soft entrance to the email. It doesn't matter that it's kind of meaningless. When you write "Dear Steve" it doesn't mean that Steve is dear to you, but we do it because it's convention and the word doesn't have it's literal meaning in that context any more.
Likewise when you bump into someone you know on the street, the "how are you?" isn't significant, but we do it.

With regards to the person who added massively to my stress after my mum died, irrational though it might be, just that simple opening phrase, or one like it would have helped save me six months of overthinking what I'd done or what lay behind her taciturn emails.

Sometimes it's the absence of something that's significant, rather than its presence.

It sounds like you’re a black and white kind of person and don’t really appreciate the grey area of social norms. The feedback could be completely unwarranted but also, any feedback from a senior colleague should be taken seriously. Ask for a meeting to discuss your communication style to understand exactly what needs to change. Maybe they can share examples of what they mean.

…The main shift you need to make in your thinking is from “this is what I mean” to “how is this email perceived by others”. Good communication is about understanding your audience and what they need.

No way in hell would they have asked a man to make his communications more 'flowery'. That's outrageous! You've said you're polite and courteous, that should be all that's required.

Gotta check Steve is entitled to know!

I am surprised at a senior manager asking for ‘flowery’ communications as busy people generally prefer more concise emails without extra meaningless words.

However, there is a balance to be had. Concise communications can come across as brusque and it's not that hard to make them more friendly.

Using your example:

"Could you take a look at this when you get a chance? Thanks!”

‘Please ’ in the first sentence adds one word, no ‘fluff’ and is a whole lot warmer than how you wrote it.

I find this really strange. I was working in local government when technology took leaps and we started sending emails to each other. They were very similar to our old paper memos, a bit less formal. Meaning you'd say something like -
Hi, have you got that quarterly report ready yet? If so could you send it over please. You might sign off with a thanks, Sue, but you might not because after all, we can see who it's from, and who it's too, at the top of the screen. Brief and too the point, not rude. Maybe it was the excitement of this rapid communication going to our heads - we were happily wizzing emails all day and getting things done so much more quickly - I don't think it occured to anyone to structure the message like a letter.

I left for a few years, went back on a casual basis and things had changed to -
Hi John, I hope you had a good weekend. Glad we got some sunshine at last! I wonder if you've had a chance to do that quarterly report? If it's ready please could you send it over, if not maybe you could get it to me by the end of the week? Thanks very much, best wishes, Sue.

I am of the opinion that work emails should be like quick, efficient chats, but times have changed and people are clearly too sensitive for that now. 😂😂

One of the best places I’ve worked banned “thank you” emails, citing the carbon footprint. The policy was to assume good faith and the best of colleagues: they’ve asked for the thing, you’ve supplied the thing, there’s no need to waste energy or clutter inboxes with the thank you email.

I’d say something like “Could you take a look at this when you get a chance? Thanks!” Still polite, just not overly flowery.

i would class that as terse not polite. I think as a minimum you need a ‘please’ in there…. Thanks just doesn’t cut it. Also you need what you’re looking to get out of it eg ‘let me know if you have any feedback’ or ‘file it in the shredder’ or ‘just for your interest’ etc. it might be obvious but still makes it a bit softer and less terse.