Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

Im not suggesting your daughter IS into all that stuff btw @orangeandyellowandbr0wn. Im just saying that I think its worth being aware its a possibility and making sure.
Sometimes even the most switched on parents can discover awful stuff their kid has been keeping secret for years and they the parent not even having the vaguest hint (which happened to a friend of mine)

This ⬆️

This is like telling someone "Look, pornography is everywhere these days. You should get out ahead of it and have a talk with your son" and having them scream "Don't sexualise my teenage son, you sick freak!" back at you.

You've missed the point and lashed out at someone who was only trying to help you. I've said multiple times this may not be what's happening with your daughter, and that I hope it isn't. That I think it's most likely she stumbled on something a bit above her maturity level, and is struggling to process it.

Tell you what, OP. Go to Archive of Our Own. Have a good hard look at what's on there for My Little Pony and Interview With The Vampire. Look at what teens like your daughter are actually writing and reading. Read the tags. Then come back and tell me I'm a nutter and I shouldn't have warned you

Hello, mom op. I will be the different comment here.😘 I know many people like your daughter. Well we're adults now but we were once kids. The nerds 😃the hermits we describe ourselves . Just like you describe her. And maybe me/we still are somewhat like that😉Let her be as she is. Does she love to draw aswell? I think yes! So that brings the love for all these cartoon characters and animes and collecting toys and figures etc. Its helps us imagine or daydream if you want to call it. It's bit infantile yes. I bet she loves to collect other cute stuff aswell. Just let her be. There is other people like her and quiet A LOT even! Take her to Comic Cons . Make her costumes of her fav characters. You will see at comic con theres thousands of this kind of people. Google it even what I'm talking about. Theres nothing wrong with her, the adhd is just another matter. Check if there is some nerdy gamer groups around you, or art classes.
But please dont worry yourself and dont get frustrated and dont be with the attitude of the first post. Sounded to me like u really hate this. About the going out...well not everyone likes going out or meeting people... she's totally an introverted person by everything u have said.
Youve watched the big bang theory..its this kinda people

Thank you. It's a relief that at least one person understands what I'm trying to say.

We caught up with old friends from my DD's early childhood last summer when they crossed paths at a hobby club. The girl's mum told me how very young her DD was for her age, how she played with toys, watched cartoons, had no interest in make-up, boys, doing anything social on her phone etc. Was just interested in her activity and being a homebody.

DD had her here with some other friends from the club for a local activity. She messaged incessantly afterwards about a boy from the gathering, created group chats to try to learn everything she could about him, wrote reams of fan-fiction-style stories about their imagined dating life and eventually moved on to sending him the stories and pressuring him to respond. My DD helped the (rather alarmed) boy shut things down but it was a LOT for him.

The girl, allowed relatively unlimited screen time to regulate her mood, had been in online forums for some of her 'babyish' interests and got into fandoms from there. Her mum was oblivious to her complicated and unregulated online world and how it had shaped her thoughts and behaviour. You seem to be unwilling to accept you might not know everything about your child.

Hi op. I'm an academic at a well known institution. Your dd might be gifted. Please check this. And be proud of her. Different doesn't mean bad.

Yes. Some of us are speaking from experience and have become more clued-in to this stuff because a beloved teen fell down the rabbit hole of toxic online culture. We've seen the damage that can be done to these quiet nerdy kids who don't fit in elsewhere and just want to geek out with friends on the internet. They're vulnerable.

It's like saying some teens are doing drugs. It doesn't mean your teen is - but wouldn't you want to know the signs? Or would you prefer to live in ignorance and tell yourself your child is special and it could never happen to them? Not my Lucy, she's my little girl, I always know when she lies?

@SnoopyPajamas I’ll make sure of it with her, but I don’t think she’s doing all that. I’ll check with her anyway.

My son is 16 ASD and gay. He watches cbeebies every morning and loves a new program called Mojo he also watches Bob the Builder DVD;s most nights. He reads the Telegraph every day and is very interested in the Russia/Ukraine war and can have a very in depth conversation about it. He has fantastic general knowledge and loves all the quiz shows. He has friends but mainly women in their late 20's to early 40's. His best friend is our next door neighbour who is a 23, he is often out at weekends with her and her friends shopping or at local cafes. He is also interested in fashion and is very fashionable. He spends alot on high end designer clothes. He only ever eats "childrens food" and has never tried any new foods since he was tiny. We live in a small town and he is desperate to go to uni in London in a few years time - I worry he will be eaten alive but he is also very headstrong and confident in who he is.

A couple of years ago I was really worried about him as it was like he was 7 yrs old in a 14 yr olds body. He is very bright and got 8's and 9's in his GCSE's,The turning point for us was that his secondary school didn't have a sixth form so he had to go elsewhere - I was really scared for him and I knew that college would not have suited him so we chose a very academic sixth form the other side of town. He has to go on the bus (prior to this he had never been on a bus on his own before!). There are lots of quirky children there who he is comfortable being around but who he doesn't really call his friends - he gets called a geek because he is studies very hard but by choosing an academic 6th form he is around other studious quirky kids. The teachers love him but he doesn't understand why he can't be their friends and hang out with them at lunch time!!! However he has settled in brilliantly and is thriving

He has never owned a video game console either and doesn't do social media.

OP, are there any meet-ups for ND teens near you that she could go to (with you)? https://www.meetup.com

There are several neurodiverse groups in my city.

The National Autistic Society may be able to offer some advice too - https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/social-groups

Honestly, my 18 year old autistic daughter is Disney obsessed, currently in year one at a top uni doing business and marketing to eventually work for Disney hopefully. I’d take this really slow, she has lots of more adult interests, lots of kids ones, it’ll level out. I would be careful with screen time though, I and both of my kids am autistic (son AuDHD and 14, bisexual). I limit it within reason, purely because their behaviour gets worse and so much online is inappropriate. My main boundary with tech is NEVER upstairs, in the main sitting room only. I also reserve the right to check phones while I pay the bill - yes even with my 18 year old, she’s vulnerable. I make clear I’ll do this only when concerned, I don’t care what they say or language used to friends etc. but any concerns and I will look. This has never been a problem for us.

Well, she is different. She might experience some ostracism, but that doesn’t mean she won’t eventually mature and have a good life and friends who accept her. If she is intellectually gifted and finds her niche, she in fact can have an extraordinary life. If you accept her completely as she is, whilst gently encouraging some independence, she’ll more be able to accept and love herself.

I hated bras that age, and because I’m small chested, I never wore them…camisole is enough for me. I took time to grow up, but ended up having a thriving career as an academic doing things that interested me, published books, and made enough money to retire early. I have good friends, and a lovely partner. Good outcomes are possible.

Absolutely.

Are you worried that she’s saying negative things about herself and you and unhappy or that she’s behaving in a socially unusual way? If she is this way but happy that’s fine, come to terms with it being who she is. The things she isn’t happy about is what needs addressing.

You say she was assaulted - had she had therapy and is she still? Gone to any support groups?

She says she’s lonely - can you take her to groups which centre around her special interests so she can meet people who like the same things as her?

It’s so tough to know what to do when someone is so capable in someways then so not in others. And accepting the way our kids are is so hard when they have so much potential but happiness is the focus so take it one step at a time and it’ll work out

I’m in my 40’s and that’s exactly what we done at 12/13, that’s completely normal and typical at that age to be discussing those subjects. In all honesty, in a lot of cases it’s the parents who baby their kids too long and seem to think other teens are “too grown up” because they’re chatting about normal teenage things!! ND kids will in most cases be, expectedly, more immature, but in a NT child, it’s either the parents causing it or some physiological issue going on!

What is clear
Is that the OP is as clear as mud when it comes to her daughter

Thank you so much for your detailed post. It really was what I needed to hear.

Lots of kids are driven to and from school… the OP’s child could be one of them.

And you know, my DM who is in her 70s still talks about her teddies and where they'll go when she dies - she's lived a normal adult life, it wasn't until my own dc were diagnosed I realised that my mum has retained some things from childhood her whole life. Luckily for her, my dd will doubtless adopt her collection.

Has she been assessed sounds like autism to me as mother of a 4 year old boy in the process of being assessed they can be very babyish for their age I'm told.
My LB has to repeat preschool for another year due to possibly learning difficulties how is she at school have the teachers had any concerns in primary or secondary school?
I would seek a opinion from a professional.

This is so odd.

Why not post on the SEN board?

Did they not tell you anything about AuDHD esp in Girls when DD was diagnosed?

You need to read some books.

She's presenting in a way consistent with her diagnosis.

She may never mature beyond the state she's at now.

My 17yr old collects all of this, too.

You said your daughter is SEN, so unfortunately you cannot expect her to behave with the same mental capacity of children similar in age without SEN.

If what she does is making her happy, then let her do it. Just because you dislike it, it doesn't make it wrong.

However, she does need to be encouraged to socialise more and have a bit of independence; this can be done by reaching out to local SEN groups and other parents going through this.

Has she been officially diagnosed with an SEN condition because if so I am confused as to why you find her behaviour unusual or not as expected within the protocols of her condition?
Do you have any input from Social Services or whomever it is these days who oversees SEND?
When you mention the school's input are you talking about the designated SEND member or members of staff or just the regular teachers/tutors?
I find your post more than a little vague about something that sounds quite definitey concerning and odd behaviour for someone of your daughter's age if she hasn't been officially diagnosed, and if she has then she should surely be being monitored and you shouldn't be needing to come to Mumsnet for advice?! 🙄

One of my Gdaughters was very similar.
She grew up very slowly but now at 22 she is living in Japan and speaks English/French/ German and speaks and writes Japanese
All it took was for her to find her passion and as soon as she got fired up she flew.
They all grow up at different rates rates
Hang on in there