Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

This.

My Little Pony, incidentally, is another online fandom absolutely overrun with kink-addled freaks. Many of them grown men. Google 'bronies' and 'rule 34' to see what I mean. The internet really is the wild west, but it's also like a second home for teenagers. If they like something, they will seek out fan spaces for it online, and they will run into this seedy side of things. (Private Discord servers are another thing to watch out for.)

It would be incredibly unusual for an autistic teen with special interests not to be in fandom.

I'd want to know what apps and sites your daughter is on, if it was me, OP. I'd be checking the breakdown of how much time she spends on each, and visiting what's in her history. I would definitely be reading the "writing".

For most teens I'd give more privacy, but there are red flags here and you're already concerned.

OP please don't worry; my NT daughter is the same age as your daughter and still likes watching things like Bluey, she's currently working her way through Doc Mcstuffins and Justin's house.
She still plays with dolls and has one she takes on holiday with her.
She rarely goes out on her own with friends and her friends are the same.
Since covid there have been a lot more children that stay younger longer, and it's not a bad thing.
I'd much rather that than her have been like a 13/14 year old when my niece turned that age and was feeling pressured to wear makeup, get a boyfriend and start drinking, smoking and having sex!

That’s pretty common with autistic people - statistically more likely to be lgbt.

if she’s happy doing that stuff then I guess what’s the problem x

This. The third season is about to start and it's all over the internet. It's possible it's not her cup of tea, but it's also possible she's lying like any other teenager.

She's not likely to admit "Yes, mum, I've been streaming this show you would never allow me to watch, and I've worn out the pause button from ogling Sam Reid's pecs". Just as no fourteen year old is going to admit to having a secret collection of explicit fanfiction she's trying to emulate for likes and kudos online. Doesn't mean that's not what's happening.

Eh? There's a massive range between toddlers and teenagers... like a decade! 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

With AuDHD one experience can then become a rule which explains why she's scared of men she doesn't know. The rule in her head will be all men I don't know will do ......

I can't offer advice how to reverse this rule because I haven't been able to reverse the rule in my son's head about a bad experience we've had. His school is working with him on it though so it might be worth asking school if they can either help or signpost where you can get help.

@SnoopyPajamas Wtf?! Not me nor ANYBODY else I know or their teens have any idea about this show? I think you don’t understand ND children and are trying too hard to look for a way for her to be sexualised on the internet here….

@SnoopyPajamas Seriously what the fuck?? Why do all your answers have to be related to her discovering kink or acting upon it? Seriously weird if you ask me. I check EVERYTHING as well as read everything. I know when she lies. You’re the one actively seeking out a way for her to be in the worst possible hypothetical situation here.

OP it feels like Snoopypajamas is projecting her likes on to your daughter!

@CosyLemur Right!!

My DD was very similar to this. Adamant she did not want to grow up, leave home etc. She wouldn't even sing along with songs relating to growing up. She's now at uni and managing. She's selected those parts of growing up she was prepared to live with tried to accept them. She's also autistic. I'd not push it, let her go at her own speed, she might amaze you.

Do you impose any screen time restriction at all OP?

@Misaster I know how important screens are for SEN children and the rules for NT kids dont apply to them. So no, not really. I do monitor it.

I wouldn’t shut it out either though. Being LGBTQ+ and her having the trauma you spoke of actually lean me in the direction that she is, even in some small way, correct. Your DD is clearly intelligent, you say academically she does well and is extremely well read. She clearly isn’t afraid of adult discussions with the books you say she’s reading. It’s not that she isn’t capable, but that she feels more comfortable at least some of the time being/playing “younger”

Age regression doesn’t have to be kink related at all, it’s often a trauma response and is more common in ND people. It isn’t necessarily something to be afraid of in itself. But yes, it can also go in hand with kink. I believe it would be helpful for you to calmly research and consider these things carefully.

So what we talking here? How many hours a day during the week and at the weekends?

Anything extra curricular at all? What does she do at the weekends? Just phone?

But what does monitoring it to if you’re not going to set any limits? Genuine question

I don’t say this to cause upset, but a lot of this is often seen in a girl who has, or is being, sexually abused by someone.

Maybe she is just not interested in typical teenage and mainstream crap, but hasn't found a grpup of friends that are similar so is stuck in a kimd of limbo. Gossiping, makeup, parties, small talk, boys, hanging around etc, most kids just do this stuff purely to 'fit in' and don't even understand what they are doing and why.
Does she have any interests ehat you can find a like minded group thatvare not typical interests. Pottery, sewing etc. I saw a program about female morris dancers the other day, they make their own costumes and make up the dances. Maybe there aren't any kids that arent following the mainstream stuff in her class so she hasn't got any references of what to do if she doesn't want to do the typical mainstream stuff. But you could help her to find something that she does like that is social so she can start to come out of her shell and find out there is a world out there that isnt all 'designer labels, tiktok dances etc'

My DD is very articulate and has never had any problems with toileting. She is autistic though, has an EHCP and has SEMH support

@StrikeAlways This has happened and i’m fully aware of it.

Primark do quite soft crops type bras with removable pads - they are comfortable and are quite appropriate under clothing.

@Misaster 2-3 hours on weekdays and whatever she wants on weekends. I do force her to go outside for walks because she can walk for hours and hours as it helps her think but she does a drama club and has plenty of solo hobbies.

Well then, that would account for her reluctance to grow up. Just support her and give her time.

I know a few kids like this (two of mine included)! Other kids won’t admit to it in front of others, I know many a 16 year old who admit to still live watching Peppa Pig.
i can understand your concerns, SEN can point to hanging on to childhood happiness as adulting can seem scary.

Some can grow up overnight at 7, while others it often takes longer.

I would say most by Yr9 are starting to drift over to more teenage stuff - some at Yr7 are off to theme parks while others at 16 are still happy with parents. Believe me, it can be a scary world out there for some kids, if they’re happy at home you are lucky.

it will come, if you’re worried ask the school if they have any concerns, maybe just at home it’s their happy release.

This is interesting as my dd tried university, she attempted to live away from home but basically went into shut down. Wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t speak to anyone. In the end I had to pull her out as she tried to take her own life.

I pushed her into independence too soon and I have to live with that.