Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

Sounds like she's having a hard time and that this behaviour is a symptom rather than the actual problem here.

It sounds like there are some developmental issues that could be worked on (related to tantrums etc.) but watching children’s tv shows, having her old comfort toys, etc. seems harmless and not a “problem”.

Can you introduce her to things that maybe bridge the gap between the two, for example anime as it's still cartoons? And things like Hello Kitty, Pokemon etc that still have a big adult following? Cosy Switch games like Animal Crossing?

What do school say? What are her friends like with these things?

Re the toys, a lot of toys are given to children too young. Eg sylvanian families are given to very young children but if you think about the detail and small parts, they are actually much better suited to older children. It's the same with lots of other toys.

When I was in college, a lot of students watched telly tubbies and the like. I think it was mindless nonsense that relaxed them during stressful times.

Temperature tantrums sound very teenager-y! 🤣

A lot of children are too advanced for their age, or at least act and look that way. One of my daughter's friends had a proper boyfriend at 12. My daughter didn't even start noticing boys in that way until she was almost 15.

If she needs a bra, why not start with a crop top or sports bra? These are a bit more vest like than a proper bra and might help her get used to the idea.

Does she have any independence eg does she walk to school by herself? If not, could she start walking the last 5mins and gradually build it up? If she already does, why not push it a bit and arrange to meet her for afternoon cake, a little bit further away (but somewhere she knows really well). Don't be forceful but do keep coming back to the idea if she initially says no. Or catching a bus with you seeing her off and someone else meeting her at the other side.

My daughter still dislikes being at home by herself so I don't think she's ever been alone for more than 30mins. Not great but we've never needed to.

I have autism and I played with dolls and did lots of imaginary play until my Mum negatively commented on it when I was about 12-13 and I stopped as I felt so embarrassed. I wish she had never said anything to me. If your child has SEN then their home should be their safe space to indulge in whatever they’re interested in. If they’re having issues outside the home that need support then fair enough but there are much worse things than playing with toys or watching Bluey etc.

I should also add that I hate bras for sensory reasons and never wear one (even though I’m a 34GG). I wear soft crop tops and when I was younger non wired sports bras if I absolutely HAD to but would take them off asap. I find them so uncomfortable.

I meant both, neither are just for babies and toddlers. They normally have a smaller area for the babies and toddlers within it though don't they

In my area some places are 12 and under/ or under a certain height. The only one I very rarely see teenagers in is the local wacky warehouse

Kids mature at different ages. Yes, she sounds unusual, but unless there are any underlying disabilities (mental or physical), just leave her be what she wants to be.

Our son stayed immature throughout his teen years. Didn't do anything with school friends outside school, throughout secondary, not even in the sixth form. Never went out with friends at the weekend. Basically his whole life was based on what we were doing. No girlfriends either. He'd never even gone to a pub or club by the time he left school. And certainly went nowhere unless we were with him.

He went to uni, but it was 2020 so it was all restricted due to covid, no face to face lectures, seminars, etc., so he basically never left his flat as all teaching and "socials" were online. He didn't really get friendly with his flat mates in the first year either, not helped by everyone being forced to study from home between Jan and April 2021! He opted out when they started talking about sharing a flat for year 2! He stayed on campus for year 2 in a new flat with new people and still didn't seem to be making friends, having a social life, etc.

We started to get more and more worried about him being reclusive and a "loner" as we'd hoped he'd come out of his shell at Uni. But he started getting friendly with his old year 1 flatmates mid way during year 2. Started going to their flat in town for the odd meal/drinks night. Still made no friends with anyone else. But then one of the flat mates announced they were leaving at end of year 2 and the others invited our son to take their place for the third year. It was an absolute revelation. He changed enormously in year 3. Massive growth in confidence. He started going out with them, making new friends (i.e. making friends with their wider friendship group, etc). By the end of year 3, he was a different person completely.

He went straight into a graduate scheme job the month after graduation. Huge firm, had to move to a different city. Again, we were worried about his maturity, making friends, settling into his first "proper" job, without us around (we were over 100 miles away). But he absolutely nailed it all. He was going out for after work drinks with work mates within the first week. Then he started wanting to follow his "home" football team at their away matches and just took it upon himself to get trains to matches all over the country (never been on a train before on his own!). Then decided he wanted a weekend in London to see a particular exhibition - organised it all himself, went on his own. Then he organised his own trip to the Silverstone Formula 1!

He "grew up" within less than a year, after being really immature for best part of 21 years and not really being a teenager at all.

So, OP, really don't worry. They mature at their own pace, as and when they want to. In our son's case, it was being away from home that gave him the nudge he needed to act like an adult as he knew it was all down to him as to whether he wanted to make friends, socialise, do things, or not, and he decided he wanted to and found it within himself to put himself out there!

Nothing wrong with watching Bluey or playing with dolls etc - I noticed when my children were younger that their older cousins seemed to enjoy watching CBeebies and playing with their toys with their younger cousins providing the ‘excuse’. I can understand the comfort / respite of a simpler time when life is getting complicated as a teenager.

BUT I can understand why you’re worried by the overall developmental picture. I would suggest you ask for an appointment with the school SENCO. Your daughter might not meet the threshold for them to refer to an educational psychologist but if you can afford a private referral they might suggest if they think this would be helpful and what to ask.

Good luck xx

Mine is too, she was only recently diagnosed with ASD as she can mask strongly outside of home. We have both only been diagnosed within the last 6 months

She's had adaptions made in school/home and life has been made easier for her, but there isn't much support in regards to helping her make friends or understanding social rules ect. Sorry that's what I meant

Thank you. This does explain it. I agree with talking to her school / counsellors about the best ways to support her developing independence.

It's not going to look like all the other kids branching out ... and that's okay! Just help her to ease gently and safely into the wider world

@Polkadotbikinininii She doesn't have anybody. The school is worried about her but she's doing fine academically. She has virtually no independence, her wish.

She's also been known to say that she will never be able to live by herself, will always need someone with her, and then breaks down because she's scares that she'll be alone/single forever. It does sound like she's overwhelmed.

You need to let her be. She has a lot of years to grow up.

My daughter is 19, autistic in a full time job. She still plays Pokémon, collects hello kitty and anime toys etc.

However is still very reliant on me for a lot of things. My 18 year old daughter watches curious George and Charlie and Lola - she isn’t ND it’s a comfort.

This might be a case of 'be careful what you wish for'. My autistic teenager is hanging on to a lot of comfort activities (games and shows) from childhood; I think it makes him feel safe, like he knows what's going on. The times he's stepped out and befriended children who are more into 'teenage stuff', it often quickly went into inappropriate (and to be honest, quite scary) territory. He doesn't have the impuls control and insight to be able to handle himself well when people try and get him to join in with stuff that's on the edge, and I think they find it funny to see how he reacts. He got dragged into friendships and relationships that were too much for him to handle and now he doesn't go to school at all. The same was the case for autistic girls in his year, with some stuff that was even scarier, because of how vulnerable teenage girls are who want to fit.

Forgot to mention, she collects anime figures/hello kitty/sanrio items and has quite a hefty + expensive collection. They're her comfort items so I'm happy to pay for them for her.

My stepdaughter went through a little bit of this when she hit her tween years (went from wanting gaming laptops for Christmas to Sylvanian Families like she did when she was little), kind of baby talking again etc. - she’d been through trauma with her mum being unwell so not sure if it was related to that. I just joined her in playing with those toys, and she eventually ‘grew out’ of it a second time.

I also have personal experience of this, I was a couple of years younger than your daughter is now but when I was 12ish I had a birthday party at soft play. The staff must have thought it so weird but it’s what I asked for and my mom happily obliged. I also watched In The Night Garden, Storymakers and all the old kids telly stuff (my mom just sat there like ??? while I avidly watched Camberwick Green every night before bed). For what it’s worth, I have ADHD (and those around me suspect autism) but did grow out of that phase eventually.

Your post does make me suspect neurodivergence, just wanted to put my personal experience there in case it helps you feel less alone.

I would start there. Give her tasks - start very small - that can earn her virtual money to collect/buy these things. Don't phrase it in terms of growing up, but in terms of everyone does a share. Even a three-year old can be made to do their share (my toddler picks up stuff of the floor and helps set the table and runs around bringing their sibling their clothes to put back in their wardrobes) so it's not necessarily an age-thing.

Work on her skills that way.

If she’s SEN does she have any assistance from anywhere ? To help her with coping strategies or anything ?

Ok, I am no expert but here's my take on this.

She sounds like she has very particular (I'm not saying "special" because that has medical/developmental connotations) needs and fears. She also has her individual likes and preferences and also dislikes - we're all like that.

The problem with mainstream secondary schools and adolescence is that they're scary places with huge pressure to conform and meet certain standards and ideals and lots of kids simply can't.

With young children who are learning to walk, climb and explore, what do we do? We "scaffold" them. We say, climb that climbing-net and I'll stand underneath you and be ready to catch you if you fall. We go in the soft play and hold their hands until they are ready to be brave and go solo. And that will be at different rates for different children.

You say you don't have any close family. Do you have any close friends that you both trust. Of course it will have affected her ability to strike out on her own if she hasn't really had the experience of having anyone apart from you to rely on. You are her constant.

You need to help make being independent more attractive to her, while simultaneously making it less scary. Would she like to go shopping by herself and you'll meet her in a cafe afterwards? Things like that. Little challenges to build her independence.

Family therapy could be a good way to go, OP. For some reason it seems DD is not willing or able to grow up and start finding her own way in the world, she wants safety and comfort like a much younger child. Therapy could help you both understand what's going on here.

This.
Bless - it's definitely unusual, but if allowed, many of my generation would have happily chosen this route to escape the trap of growing up.

I was like this, very fixated still on TV like CBeebies and still very into soft toys and cartoon characters etc in my teens. I did also have some age appropriate interests but always alongside things aimed at toddlers. I have autism and ADHD (although undiagnosed then) and I think it was partly a comfort thing and partly that my social development was not developing at the same rate as my academic ability. I did mostly grow out of those things eventually but much much later than my peers and I also still like things like Sanrio, Pokemon, Studio Ghibli etc which I guess are just forms of cartoon character that is acceptable as an adult! Lots of adults like Disney films and Studio Ghibli films, I wonder if you could focus on her moving away from Bluey/ITNG and more towards things like these which at least other teens her age might also be into? That said watching toddler TV now and again exactly doing anyone any harm if it brings her comfort.

My ASD teenager doesn’t follow the same patterns of a stereotypical teen. She is still growing and thriving.

is your daughter engaging with school? Does she think about her future? If so, I wouldn’t really worry.

It could be that your DD has anxiety around change and she's trying to 'hold on' to her younger childhood as a coping strategy. None of us here can diagnose but it does sound like she might benefit from some assessments.
It is quite common for children who are autistic to develop socially/emotionally/intellectually at a much slower pace. For girls who are autistic, puberty can be particularly/challenging scary as they start their periods/see their bodies changing. There is also the change they see in their peers as they start navigating sexual relationships and friendship group dynamics etc.

It is also quite common for girls on the spectrum to present in different ways from boys and consequently manage to 'fly under the radar' for longer.

My DS is 15 and has autism. He still plays with toys, writes to Father Christmas, says he's never going to leave home etc. He is also in the top sets for most of his subjects at school. Again, it's very common to have a 'spikey profile' when you have autism.

If the school has also raised concerns, I would speak to the Senco. Take a list of the things you're worried about. It may be worth applying for an EHCP for her.

An EHCP can also include working on independence targets, not just academic targets. It can include things like travel training. As part of the needs assessment, she will be seen by several professionals including an educational psychologist who could provide some useful insights.

There's some good info here:
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/get-support

My ASD DD is a strange mix. She dresses like a 70s punk/goth but loves her stuffed animals, Animal Crossing, lots of kiddy stuff. This weekend we went to an aquarium with an Animal Crossing display and we went in quiet hour with one of her friends from on-line school. The place was full of autistic kids and adults collecting Animal Crossing stamps and being excited over meet and greets. She looked "normal" in this audience.

You cannot expect your ASD daughter to age in line with NT kids. Some of us never grow up. My DP loves his lego!

Hopefully your DD can find her tribe. Any ASD clubs or activities around would help her meet likeminded individuals.