Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

Even before you stated she was Audhd it was clear from your description that she would be ND.

This sounds like my autistic teen in some aspects. No desire to have friends outside of school. Does have one or two at school in random different year groups connected to school activities. But no desire to see them out of school. Still sleeps with her baby comforter. Collects Pooh bear themed things and happily goes out wearing such items of clothes. No interest in makeup. No interest in the fashion that her age group seems to wear. I have seen her watching Bluey once or twice as well. Not massively keen on age some age appropriate tv but does like others. Likes series like Malory towers And lots of cbbc things rather than the streamed series most 15 year olds are watching.

I didn’t think independence would happen but she does talk about moving out now. At 14 though she was saying she would live with me forever. She can get to and from school when I’m at work but would prefer a loft when I’m not at work and it becomes a battle. Does plan to go to college but not sure how that’ll turn out as it’s quite a journey there. When I mentioned making friends she she said she’s there to get qualifications not friends. But, I can see lots of positives. She comes everywhere with me but as I volunteer at youth groups with younger girls she comes as a helper now and actually does really well.

I would suggest maybe seeking counselling but you’d need someone who is able to counsel Audhd teens as it’s a slightly different approach. A friend’s daughter sees a counsellor who works with ND teens and it’s really helped. She might just be a late bloomer. Having additional needs would potentially put her socially behind anyway compared to peers so she might catch up herself.

My son was the same and still is. He is now 19, loves Japanese anime, still watches in the night garden, humf Ben 10.....He has been diagnosed with Aspergers at 16 but there was no support from school. He hated school so did his A Levels online, got great grades but refuses to go to university. He loves being at home and only goes out in the garden. He is very intelligent and has learnt Japanese all by himself. He xsn read write and speak it but has no interest in doing a degree in it as he said it would stop being fun if he did.
He wants to live with us for the rest of his life and said he's still a child until he's 25 so why does he have to get a job. 😂 He frustrates us but really makes us smile.
I get so worried sometimes and do have sleepless nights thinking what will become of him. He has applied for a job and done an online interview recently, fingers crossed he gets through. If he gets the job, it'll be me taking him on the bus until he gets used to it.
Has your daughter been diagnosed with autism?

OP, your daughter sounds very similar to my teen including LGBTQ+ and special interests. We are currently growing a specialist plant collection at great speed!

My teen is 17 now and although there is still some emotional immaturity there is some progress in other areas including the desire to be independent and allowing me to gently persuad them to try certain things with support. At 14 though we were far more concerned than today.

If you don’t have a ND child you really have no idea of the experience in living with and caring for someone on the autistic spectrum, the profile of a typical 14yr old is so different to a ND 14yr old with lots of challenges.

OP, It’s ok to allow your daughter to grow at her own pace. Don’t feel pressure to ensure she meets typical milestones, it just won’t happen for her and will cause you great anxiety and stress but she will get there!

Consider identifying local ASD groups for girls, I know we have one or two in Surrey which are really popular.

Feel free to message me if I can help further.

How old? Only asking as 13 compared to 18 is very different. Possible neurodivergent

My DD is 16 and a half and also likes young TV still. She watches Boss Baby, Teen Titans, Bluey and Baby TV sometimes, but she also watches Gogglebox with me and some other more grown up programmes. She is autistic and immature but she’s getting there. I am not unduly worried. She rarely goes out on her own but we have cracked the school commute and recently she went to a birthday meal of someone from school without me. That was a MASSIVE win, she couldn’t have considered that at 15. My view is that she will reach milestones late but hoping she will reach them all in the end as she is bright but extremely shy and unconfident and has mental health issues. I would keep trying to introduce her to slightly older things, they don’t have to be typical ones, but you might be surprised. I sometimes worry about the future but I tend to take each day as it comes. It helps.

Hi op,

reading this, I am wondering if your child is HLP? High Learning Potential? She defo met the criterias as per your say and could really really benefit from meeting her peers by joining a group of HLPs children? Basically they are really smart but emotionally immature and the imposter syndrome a second nature. It is rough if all her atypical friends don’t get it…might be worth a try? What you describe would be VERY NORMAL to HLP community so probably would help her find her people.

good luck✌️

She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.

With respect OP, surely that was your job? My DD is 8, and she doesn’t have any baby stuff in her room still because I explained that we need to say goodbye to these things and we can’t keep everything. Appreciate she’s got SEN, but your job is to help her process some of this.

A very general point but when l found out about ADHD ( 13 yr old stepson ) one of the first things l was told was to deduct a third from his age. It’s helped us immensely to understand that he may be running on an 8/9 year old ability, understanding and choices even though he’s 6ft with a deep voice !

my sister was (and still is a bit) like this. She was diagnosed with autism on her late 20s. Has she been assessed specifically for autism? Xx

Just seen she is audhd. Fairly typical of that neurodivergence. You sound really supportive and patient, she'll find her way eventually OP 💐

I would suspect ND possibly asd.

prediagnosis I persuaded my teen to give up her collection of furries as I also felt she needed to grow. On dx felt like the shi*tuest mother ever,

what she does at home is her business and if she is happy calmed or soothed live with it. You might want to have a conversation to say it’s ok at home but to avoid bullying she doesn’t disclose at school. She shouldn’t feel ashamed but just don’t invite possible teasing.

I'm 77. I was like that. And still sleep with my Teddy. I had a professional career in health, have a small close friends group and a wonderful son. Never married. Travelled loads by myself and am thoroughly content.
Don't despair. We are all different.
I suspect that she is a very intelligent girl.

“Concerning behaviour “ is professional, teacher-speak for “ big problems “. You need to speak to the school and ask for examples, not wrapped n kid gloves. The last 15 year old like this that I encountered asked for a doll and pram for Christmas, was obsessed with Toy Story characters and, the most worrying, said she wanted her own baby soon. Extremely vulnerable. I hope you get her some help 🌺

That’s ok , my ND learning disabled daughter loves Hello Kitty.
She also loves anime and manga .
There tend to be small like minded communities of young people ( teens and up ) who love this culture and can be very accepting of each other and their differences

Or His.

As an aside, it's interesting to see comments from people who don't have ND kids. They just don't get it (and why would they, lucky them really).

Equally interesting to see comments from similar posters saying 'ask the school' and 'why are you asking in Mumsnet'.

Well, that will be because schools are generally clueless and parents (mothers generally) are infinitely better informed and clued up. Yes, really.

Also, reading all the OP's posts is always a good idea before commenting.

Some children are having a last go at innocent play. I don't think it's pathological.
Let her mature OP at her own pace.

It's not your daughter I'm worried about, it's you. You need to do some course on Autism, and you need to see her behaviours for what they are. You will cause trauma to your child by continuing to not accept her. You disnt even put her SEN diognosis on the original post, reading it, I could have diagnosed your child from the description alone. Do you ACCEPT she's autistic? Because she probably will need support in her adult life. Her friends will be mainly online, she won't do nerotypical things, because she is not neuro typical. You admit your Nanny spends more time with her than you. It's you I'd be focusing on not your daughter. She is thriving at School under the circumstances by the sounds of it.

You described Autism- she's autistic. Love her as she is.

I was a bit like this as a teenager (also autistic). I think there was an aspect of delayed emotional development. Now a happily married adult! She may just need more time.

It's hard to say for sure without knowing the full picture, but I would say it's about trying to find the balance between letting your DD be herself (watching toddler TV etc.) and seeing how you can help her to develop the life skills you know she will need. There's a difference also between going full on to get a diagnosis and simply respecting/supporting her difference, which may be enough. Allowing her to feel safe and then drawing her out of her comfort zone in small ways to get her more used to interacting with people and being more self-reliant can be an approach. Regarding her not wanting to talk about adult topics: what will she talk about with you? Find out what is an apt topic for her and let her do most of the talking while you listen? Is she learning about how the house runs and able to lend a hand? It could be good to develop essential life skills, age-appropriate, without having to go out and interact with others particularly. It may just be at the case that she will develop when she needs to, in her own way and will find her own path in life.

Has she been tested for autism? Based on your information, she seems to fit the bill with no friends, not wanting to go outside and being emotionally younger for her chronological age. Autists are anywhere 4-7 years emotionally younger than their age. So if she is indeed autistic, this is normal however would need a therapist trained in CBT to help her build interpersonal and social skills.

OP (and other parents of ND teens). I am 40. I have ADHD and ASD and dyslexia.

I was very childish and did not want to grow up as a teen/ tween. I loved reading books, a mixture of high brow classics and stuff aimed at kids. I like cartoon/ Disney movies and collected Winnie the Pooh beanie babies. I also liked watching art house theatre and international films.

I loved (and still do) any excuse for dress up. I still have my favourite childhood teddy bear and doll. As an adult, I have a Jellycat bunny (that the kids nick regularly).

But I also have a successful career. A loving husband, two kids, a house (and mortgage) etc.

My teen and early 20s were tough - but I got through, and whilst I may still be a little childish and still hold on to some childhood things - I am a functioning adult (mostly).

A lot of this is because of a few good, close friends, my loving family (especially my mum and sister). It may not always be an easy ride, but with support, love, and occasional kicks up the backside (figuratively speaking) quirky neurodiverse teens can have happy, fulfilling, and at least outwardly normal lives.

RTFT

"quite the rage....." 🙄

It's people like you who make people like us feel unseen and invalid.

"Quite the rage"..... Educate yourself before you speak.

We didn't have female ADHD when I was a child because it was a naughty boy thing. It simply wasn't a girl behaviour thing because we had hormones and they were the forerunner to our emotions and behaviours.

I got my diagnosis last year at 46 years old and all of a sudden my whole life made sense to me when I had no idea previously why I felt so deeply, why I felt so needy, why I came across as confrontational when I was just asking questions and many more traits.

"Quite the rage", "I think everyone is a little ADHD", "I don't understand why people feel the need to be labelled".

BECAUSE IT MEANS WE UNDERSTAND WHY WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE WHEN MOST OF US HAVE GROWN UP NOT HAVING A FUCKING CLUE AND FELT LIKE A SPARE PART AND LIKE A WEIRDO.

I just wanted to say I really appreciate your comment about hlp.

That's my son although he's younger than OPs daughter (11 in April).
We're waiting on the draft report from camhs for his diagnosis so nearly there and he has basic boy autism traits for which we're going to have a 90 minute assessment with the CDC when the date confirmation comes through.
He is very clever, no learning difficulties and is in the top 4 of his class but his emotional outbursts and behaviour (in general, not just bad behaviour) shows that he isn't neuro normal.

I'm going to look into hlp groups near me. Thank you