Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

@Maximusdecimus Yes, this is my fear for what might happen to her if I push her into independence. It’s so tricky, isn’t it?

What are her solo hobbies?
Drama club…. What is feedback from the teacher?

Hello, I hope you read this message because I want to give you my opinion. Im not a Doctor but I've experienced Life a lot. Your Daughter is now entering a profound stage in her life where so many changes and transformations are taking place. Please let her evolve at her own pace. I don't want to make this a long text but I do know one thing: The most advanced humans are destined to experience the most challenging Adolescence. She has a lot to contribute to The Human Race but giving her more challenges and forced expectations upon her will cause utmost harm. Let her develope into an Adult in her own way. So many children are being damaged by forcing them to become adults too soon. Once the damage is done, there's no going back. Nurture the child and there's nothing wrong with everyone finding their own inner child, if poss. Being in touch with ones inner child is a gift which is not possible once the head is messed up.

@Misaster Teacher said she’s kind of bossy to others but creates okay work when it’s done. Tbf she’s in the wrong age group, so I need to move her up to the 12-14 group (shes in the 10-13 group I don’t know why.) She can’t make any connections there.

Solo hobbies: writing, drawing, photography, gaming, reading, makeup, physics (she really REALLY likes physics specifically quantum/theoretical), collecting figures, writing essays etc

doesnt seem all that childish to me op

OP, your daughter is neurodivergent. Everything you have described fits with her diagnosis so presumably isn’t a surprise to you? Ideally, separate the things that need to be worked on (ie independence) from her special interests and personality, which don’t need to change. I don’t mean this harshly, because I fully understand the frustration and worry that comes with parenting neurodivergent children, but please try to let go of your expectations for a ‘normal’ life for your daughter. She is brilliantly unique and as you’ve described, has many wonderful talents. The teen years are tricky anyway, try to give her some space to grow up in her own time.
check out Lisa Galley on Insta. She’s an advocate for autism affirming parenting. Much love xx

My 18 year old (ASD) is going to university to study politics in September. Every morning they eat breakfast out of a plastic Peppa Pig bowl while watching Bluey.

She has 2 diagnoses, which to some extent work in opposite directions, have you been given any professional advice about her future/independence and how best to support this?

It's known that development in some areas may be different, I wouldn't be too worried, we can only parent the DC we have, just try to continue to support her and gently encourage out of her comfort zone as you are.

Watching my little pony etc is probably relaxing and good for switching off her brain/self regulating. I wouldn't stop her, nor her comfort items that she enjoys, also she has several years left of being a teenager, it's not like she is about to turn 18. Even she was, she will likely continue to seem younger and different to NT peers.

How much support has she had regarding the negative experiences with men? It is not surprising she is fearful, even grown women have the same response. Is this why you are taking her to school, or is she able to start perhaps start meeting you at a halfway point (cafe?), going one way by herself? The routine of that could be helpful.

Writing, make up, physics, photography, gaming etc all seem like perfectly grown up enough activities for a 14 yo.

As for still enjoying some younger pursuits and comforts, why is her Nanny more of a constant in her life than you? I can't imagine that and your seeming dislike of her personality helps

Agreed

Very odd for OP to think otherwise.

@SleepingStandingUp She also does cosplay. So she dresses up as characters.
She’s very experimental with makeup, loves doing weird looks, has a very unique style too… so it’s not the typical ‘teenager’ makeup per se. But still, while her hobbies are grown up, it’s the bigger picture that compelled me to make this post.

That’s why I said introduce new things and don’t focus on getting rid of the old hobbies and interests. Maybe like arts and crafts, because (for me at least, and a lot of other people) it is soothing. Also it’s something you can get her out the house to do, there’s loads of classes if you can afford that, but if not going out looking for art supplies in charity shops ect and repurposing things could be fun. My nephew is a very young 11 year old, acts more like his younger brother who is 7. Because he’s going to secondary school, we’ve been trying to get him into more age appropriate things, and this is the method that’s worked best. If you focus too much on trying to change the “babyish” habits they get anxious, but focusing on the new hobbies while allowing them to continue with the old ones has so far been the best approach. Also, she is ND so will probably always have some younger interests.

She sounds like me at that age (40 odd now). I am autistic. Difference for me was i hated my home and my parents so much (no particular reason) and couldn't wait to get away, so I did at 18 and never returned (except for visits). I wouldn't say I'm estranged but we aren't close.

Honestly, I would cherish how safe she feels at home with you and hold on tight. Why does she need to be independent at 14? She will probably grow out of it.

We're not talking about your son. Wind your neck in.

I bet you didn't have a clue about any of the things I brought up, though. And would be completely taken aback if your son's interests did lead him to fall into one of these unhealthy online peer groups.

I was a nerdy online teenager, and was friends with a lot of autistic and ADHD peers. Years before the term audhd was even in use. I know how wonderful and varied a group they are. But I also know I saw sides to them that their parents, who thought butter wouldn't melt, were absolutely not seeing.

Stick your head in the sand if you want. But plenty of parents will tell you their kids fell down a similar rabbit hole, and they had no idea until it was too late. I'm not the only poster to have noticed the potential red flags either, which ought to tell you something

Christ, all the drip-feeding makes any meaningful comment impossible.
So she's not behaving young for her age, she is behaving unevenly in terms of age.
She has a history of sexual abuse.
She is neurodiverse.
She reads unsuitable stuff.
You seem to have no suitable comprehensive understanding of her circumstances nor a plan to address it.

Not much useful advice we can give them, except read and figure out what professional help she can get.

this

As a mother of autistic pre teen, I would say that you don’t need to be concerned. She sounds brilliant with a wide range of interests and hobbies. She doesn’t need to ditch anything she doesn’t want to just because they don’t fit with neurotypical views of what is age appropriate. Pushing her towards independence too soon is likely to backfire and make her anxious and afraid especially as she has past trauma. She will develop in her own time and at her own pace- again neurotypical expectations of development are not relevant or useful. Friendships are obviously very tricky- perhaps there are autism friendly youth clubs near you?

So you want advice but you dont want advice?
Helping her to gradually move away from some of her childhood passions (not necessarily all) and towards maybe some more grown up interests seems like the best solution to me.

My own dd was still keen on her teddies and Sylvanian families until she was 13ish. She still has them but stopped playing with them of her own choice years ago (shes 20 now).

Teen girls autism group. Sounds like she needs to find her tribe

Yes the drip-feeding on this thread has been a bit painful OP!
Given everything you have since posted, I think you would be better off getting a professional opinion from an educational psychologist. You can ask the school SENCO for a referral. It may be that your DD would benefit from some sessions with a counsellor too, to help ease her transition through her teens.

I don’t think those of us who posted have had the full picture.

The drip feed makes this pretty pointless. Spend more time with your daughter, learn more about what she's actually doing online, get her some proper support and work on having a more open mind yourself. All will be well

The OP’s style on this thread makes me wonder about about she fares in life too

Why are you being so hysterical? It's perfectly normal for teenagers to be curious about an edgy tv show. Especially when they've already read the book it's based on. I didn't think you would have heard of it, which is why I told you where to find it, if you wanted to check it out and judge for yourself.

I'm not "trying too hard to find a way for her to be sexualised on the internet". Just because what I've said is shocking and unknown to you, doesn't mean it's not out there. I've explained how easy it is for a teen who is just trying to connect with other fans of their special interest, to find themselves in an environment that is highly sexualised, in ways they haven't yet learned how to navigate.

You've already admitted your daughter spends a lot of time online. Despite the autism and the babyish interests, she is still a teenager. It's natural for teens to be curious about sex and relationships. Your daughter obviously has some more grown up interests, in terms of literature and feminism, and you say she's very smart. It's not so wild to think she might have stumbled on a bit of sexually explicit fanfiction.

But I'm sure you know best and that's impossible

Re what @SnoopyPajamas has said - some teens and young adults are definitely into all of that sort of thing. And plenty arent. I think its helpful of Snoopy to try and raise awareness of what for many is definitely a scary rabbit trail.

@SnoopyPajamas I know teens can stumble upon this type of content. i just thought it was odd of you to point it out in the way that you did.