Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

You probably need to pick things one at a time and address them, and give her plenty of time.

I kicked myself for not telling DD bras were compulsory for secondary school. Fortunately they changed from polo shirts to shirt/tie in year 8, so I told her they were compulsory under proper shirts, and she accepted that (only the bra-top things, but she was very skinny). She abandoned them as soon as she went into sixth-form, but I think she does still wear them under blouses; that's actually fair enough, given that she's still only an A-cup.

I wonder if you can wean her onto more adult TV by promoting something new, rather than telling her not to watch the baby stuff. Similarly, "let's go bowling" rather than "you're too old for soft play". Jigsaws rather than kiddy toys?

Work on the independence, too - drop her one street from school, ask her to pop to the local shop (self-service tills in the co-op can be easier to start with than a corner shop where you have to interact more).

honestly sounds like SEN...

She's caught in a bit of a vicious circle. Teenage life isn't offering very much to a girl who has no friends her own age and struggles outside the home, so its understandable she's going to take comfort and pleasure in the safe things of her childhood. Unfortunately doing this makes it even harder to get into the next stage. If it were me, rather than taking away the 'baby' things (which will cause anxiety) I'd focus on adding in new ones, introducing her to age appropriate things a little at a time. Encourage 'older' TV, go to the cinema to see a more grown up film. Could you interest her in a sport or dance, or a club of some sort to meet other teens? Church based things can often be a good shout for this.

Shes quite scared of interacting with people outside of the house which is why she rarely leaves because she’s very VERY afraid of men and sexual assault. I feel so so sorry for her

This is textbook autism in girls. I feel like all you can do is love and support her in her interests. Are there any meet up groups for autistic girls and women near you? Any anime or special interest clubs she could join? These things bring her joy and comfort so best to embrace. She may always be like this and that's ok too. There are plenty of autistic adults with these interests who have jobs, families etc. Just need to carve a niche for herself instead of trying to be like everyone else.

DD is similar to this and she's 20, with ASD.
I'm sure she'd go to a soft play if it was allowed.
She also collects expensive dolls.

She sounds similar to how my daughter was at 14. Honestly it was driving me to distraction. I loved her strength of character to like what she liked and not care that it wasn’t the cool or in thing - but at the same time she was desperately lonely and it wasn’t making her any friends.

She’s nearly 17 now and I look back and am gobsmacked at how far she’s come. She still loves Bluey but she’s somehow turned that into a cool character quirk 😂. She has a good core group of equally neurodivergent kids who have gradually drawn her towards independence who all kind of fell into her life by accident and stayed. Shes now looking at university and possibly even living away from home for it. She has career aspirations, wants to learn to drive in a few months, is deeply into musical theatre and manages to get herself to auditions, rehearsals etc. Last night I saw her sing on stage and I wondered where this human had come from.

There is so much difference between 14 and 17. Like your daughter mine is also insanely intelligent (book smart, very much not life smart 😂) and I sometimes wonder if perhaps that’s part of a reason why she’s hung on to her childish loves, as a kind of balance to that. Give her time, it’s sounds like she’s an incredible young woman who is facing some challenges right now but has incredible potential with the right support ❤️

So she has special education needs and you're wondering why her development isn't the same as her peers?

I’m 38 and I’m still into anime, Pokemon etc, have many many soft toys, figures and just today I bought a hello Kitty T-shirt. My mother always used to laugh at me and the things I liked and I hated her for it. As an adult I have a husband, a house and a well paying job so I didn’t do too badly in life. I will say I don’t have many friends as I never really met anyone with similar interests except my husband. The ones I do have I’m probably a bit pretend with as in I act like how they do so I don’t come across weird. But I know I’m not a child and I don’t act like a child, I just like things that are perceived as childish.

I used to go to student nights with my friend at the soft play right up to my late 20s. It sounds like she needs some specialist support, though.

As someone who has ASD, who until the age of 19 loved My Little Pony, and now still loves Sanrio, Anime and other cartoons, i would honestly only be concerned about her if she was becoming depressed. These things bring her comfort, and this is common in Autism specifically to have hyper fixations on these things.
I had almost no friends as a teen, and spent most of my time online in communities with like minded teenagers who also loved the things I did!
I am now a mum, with a AuDHD partner, and I’m coping just fine! I did have some therapy just to help build some confidence in myself as I had horrible anxiety, and it helped a lot, so I highly recommend therapy with a therapist who is good with those with AuDHD.
It can be hard to watch as your child grows up knowing they are different…but just in case no one has told you lately, you are doing great ❤️

I had a student at university where I did 1:1 support. She lived at home in what I would describe as an insular family. She was very bright. When she arrived for her first session she had one of the toddler beakers with her and drank from that and several little soft toys fixed to her rucksack. She did get her degree but it took an extra year. My own feeling was that it would have been better if her family had encouraged gentle independence and also to make her aware of boundaries or normalcy. We don’t have to be too rigid but we all want to belong to one tribe or another. There wasn’t a group where university students drank from toddler beakers.

That explains it.
In that case, just let her be. Her mental and emotional age is evidently behind other teenagers, so while she might be growing up physically, mentally she still is a small child. Dont pressure to rush her into liking 'adolescent' things when shes not mentally ready, she'll develop in her own time

Im AuDhD. I was before retiring an Autism Specialist.
Your dd is going through a phase very common to girls with this dx. She’s frightened. If she doesn’t grow up she doesn’t have to see you age, she doesn’t have to leave home, go to uni etc. She’s terrified. You need to talk these things through with her. Reassure her that growing up doesn’t mean she has to lose things, or lose you.
Let her keep her cuddlies, 30 year old still has his, he’s a uni counsellor for students with Autism. Dd 28 still has hers and gets new ones regularly. She has a biology degree,but can’t yet live alone, but that’s okay, she has a flatmate/carer.
Just talk and take it slowly.

ps, Dd never wears a bra, start with cami tops or sports bras, let her choose.

Sounds a lot like my DD, she is getting more independent since making friends with other ND teens at school. My DD still watches bluey (so do a few of her friends)and has toys, she can be very anxious going out alone but the going out alone is getting easier and she is socialising more and getting more independence. She wont wear bras but will wear crop tops/camis with support under her shirt. Would your DD be interested in making friends? It may be something school could help with by linking her up with others at school or there may be some out of school clubs where she could meet others. There is a youth club in my area for SEN children, if you look online for your council local offer there may be things there.

You seem to be forgetting the 4 to 12 year olds. YES of course people other than babies and toddlers enjoy and are allowed at soft play 🙄

I don't have children 🙄I thought soft play was babies in ball pits not teenagers.🙄

OP from your replies it sounds like it's just her interests that are "younger" but academically she's on track? She's sounds very much like my autistic niece. Her parents have to be vigilant of her social media use. She's smart as hell but very vulnerable to exploitation and depression. I wouldn't worry about her interests being younger if that's what brings her comfort and you mentioned she does have friends so she's not completely socially isolated. Have school said what their concerns are about what she's said?

I wonder if you (or possibly your nanny if they are effectively raising her) have done much to gently guide her towards more autonomy and independence? She needs pointing in the right direction and gently pushing to expand her comfort zone. Have you got her to walk down to the nearest corner shop with you walking 20 steps behind watching from a distance, and buy herself a packet of sweets? (break that down into smaller chunks if even that is too hard for her). Teach her simple meals and get her to cook for herself once a week. Small steps that don't overwhelm her and go slow and small enough that she is making progress but at a pace that doesn't overwhelm her.

@Squirre shes mentioned she feels ostracised sometimes, left out, different etc. She’s also told the school she’s unhappy and the school also knows that she’s an insane perfectionist and very very very hard on herself.

'AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???'

Op, kindly, you do know that people do not grow out of disabilities and SEN?

I think the way to help her is to educate yourself a bit.

Perhaps speak with hcps, Google for coping strategies, see if there are any support groups for parents you can attend? Stop being frustrated with her and just support and encourage her.

It sounds like age regression from trauma tbh

Massive, MASSIVE drip feed about her being AuDHD.
You sound as though you're embarrassed by your daughter.
Poor girl.

I hate to say this, but I would try to stop her reading feminist literature. It sounds like she is doing deep dives into the worst of male behaviour and this is colouring her entire perspective. I am a feminist and I have to limit my exposure to male sexual violence content to be able to cope with it and I am an adult. Its very, very distressing. When I do engage with this stuff I have to remind myself of all the decent normal men I interact with in my life. It sounds like your daughter has nothing to ground her, and what she is reading is making the world and men too terrifying to engage with.
She clearly does not have the ability to cope with this stuff and her exposure to it needs to be limited/ removed.

Family therapy/ therapy with her may help. Or therapy just for her. Or both.

Also, you need to be more of a constant than her nanny. Sorry, but a nanny is an employee and will leave her life. She will know this.

I'm autistic and was still watching some older kid programs even during my college years. Heck even as an adult, I still watch the old favourite disney films. To me they're ageless classics and can be enjoyed at any age.