Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

A teen or adult has to be accompanying a young child to be allowed in.

Most I know set their criteria of what children are allowed by age but one I know sets to by height.

Thinking about it, I think I was the same myself as a teen. I remember listening constantly to a Wombles LP when I must have been about 15-16, and not being able to engage with school friends who were listening to "proper" pop music that I didn't know so we couldn't have a conversation about lyrics, etc., as I'd feel embarrassed to admit what I listened to when anyone asked me who my favourite pop star was!

But I soon "grew up" when I had to, which for me was leaving school and starting work. My God, I "grew up" pretty damn fast when instead of being surrounded by school age teens or family, I was suddenly surrounded in the workplace by middle aged men and women!

She ticking a lot of boxes for autism OP, does she have a diagnosis? That would be the first thing I'd look into. She may well be 3 years behind with her emotional maturity.

I would let her watch and play what she wants at home as her safe space but I would slowly be working towards making her more independent. Getting her to make her own breakfast - lots of help and support with each step of it at first, getting her to buy something in a shop with you there for support, that sort of thing, breaking everything down into small steps and being there to help her if there is any problem. Talking through with her what she needs to do.

Don't force her to grow up out of things that bring her comfort but start encouraging her to make small steps towards independence in other ways.

Does DD have a diagnosis? Are there resources you can consult?
Any way you can get her motivated to move on in small ways? Like - let’s make room for your Hello Kitty collection … we can get a shelf but we need to pack this other stuff away.
Re-decorate room?
Find more teen focused animated series?

Perhaps comment on other girls style of dress you see at school and say - that would suit you … should we shop ?
Maybe get her nails done at adult salon with maybe cute artwork.

The bra - Google comfort ones for asd. Talk to her about keeping her body healthy and private.

Gently suggest and reward small changes.

Ultimately though -
Is it about your worries, or about her comfort in herself?

My 16 yr old DS has been known to watch Bluey! And still likes cuddly toys!

Lots of adults like Sanrio, collecting toys etc. It’s fine.

I think the issue here isn’t the tv and toys but the lack of being able to cope independently and lack of self confidence.
I think you could very gently and slowly start to encourage her to do small independent tasks. This would develop her self-confidence. This is what the SENCO recommended for my son who is ASD and young for his age.

Are there any local youth groups aimed at SEN children? Or any groups at school or the local library? A specific activity could be good e.g. sewing, board games, crafts, as this is often an easier social situation for SEN kids to navigate.

Does she go online at all, OP?

My autistic 15 year old is the same. He loves playing hide and seek with younger kids. He's not academic though and is extremely immature for his age. If she's autistic she might not go through the typical teen behaviours.

@PassOnThat She does have a nanny that she's very attached to and has been with us for her whole life. She is more of the constant than me.

@MounjaroOnMyMind Shes online ALOT.

No independence might be her wish, but it’s your role as her parent to help her grow into it.

That could look like therapy to understand the reasons why, helping her develop coping skills/strategies for specific situations or fears, supporting her to walk to school, tasks around the house to earn money, going together to volunteer somewhere at weekends etc… maybe pick an area to work on?

To be fair, Bluey is quite good, and soft play can be a riot. She’s probably just scared to grow up. Maybe gently try and get her into new hobbies without focusing on leaving her old hobbies behind?

She sounds a lot like my daughter, who’s 12 and recently got an autism diagnosis.

She doesn’t want to grow up and says that she wishes she was 7 or 8, and gets very upset if I gently suggest wearing a crop top, let alone a bra. She keeps wanting to get picture books from the library and recently said she wanted to eat baby food.

How would she react to some gentle steps towards independence - things like posting a letter or going to the shop on her own, or walking the last 5-10 minutes into school?

@Jeeekers Why would I want to remove her comfort items so abruptly like that, though? I feel like your suggestions might distress her.

Is she under CAMHS? It all sounds anxiety driven, which is v v common in HFA, especially in girls. Has she ever tried medication and/or therapy for anxiety?

@Catsandcannedbeans But why? I'm scared it might upset her and she'll resent me for suggesting she should leave her special interests alone.

I agree with this. Good idea to encourage her to go shopping and meet her in a cafe afterwords.
Also can you get her engaged in some kind of creative hobby or art therapy?

I think it’s actually really lovely and heartwarming to see so many dcs that are similar it means your child isn’t alone.

I’m 48 suspected ASD for a long time. I love Disney and Harry Potter. I also own a house and live very much independently.

She has SEN. Likely that the reason she wants to hold onto her childhood is that she finds growing up overwhelming. Please stop trying to make her be who you want her to be, and let her be who she is. She will feel your disapproval. Lots of autistic children struggle with friendships and can appear more childlike than their peers. I assume you have been on courses/familiarised yourself with how your daughter's SEN is likely to present itself?

You haven’t said what her SEN is. Or what the school considers concerning behaviour

Isn’t she on a program at school where they learn independent skills. If the nanny is full-time, I’d work with her. Make sure she’s getting the same messages from both of you but like I said be careful what you wish for.

It sounds like she has a lot of control over her life, but if my ASD DD is anything to go by, this can also feel like a weight of responsibility. She is scared to change anything and doesn't have the awareness of what else is out there to feel confident in making the right choice.

I would try and move her along a little bit culturally, watch films with her that are a step up from Bluey. Ask her to join you watching things like Totoro or Descendants and just expand what she sees as the choices out there, she might go back to Bluey sometimes but it'll be out of choice rather than fear.

Get her to move the playing with toys and dolls towards making up plays and maybe short iMovies with them - expand the things she likes into more grown up pursuits rather than binning them off or growing out of them. I think evolution is the key, it means she isn't losing anything.

Similarly, what about something like a drama group, expressive arts or anywhere else that will feel like playing? What books does she read?

@Iwanttoliveonamountain Her SEN is AuDHD, the school finds some of the things she says concerning as well as how she talks about herself.

This is a good idea, I took my teen ASD DS so to a special ‘quiet’ event for ND kids at the museum and it was great! He suddenly didn’t stand out any more 😂 He can be a bit clingy sometimes but honestly he didn’t even look for me.

You do have to do a bit of research to find these events though.
The Animal Crossing one sounds great!

I do worry sometimes about DS being immature for his age, but then I never have to worry about him hanging out in the park ant night drinking and vaping! When I read the teens board on here sometimes I am glad he is how he is.

Mainly now I am focusing on developing more life skills eg cooking, using public transport.

The rest will come in time.

@LadyQuackBeth She's very, very smart. She reads alot of russian literature and feminist literature - she'll read anything! Last time I checked her favourite book was Interview With The Vampire.

My daughter sounds similar, she’s 14, and acts considerably younger. She has had a sudden obsession with super heroes and X-Men. She is ND also. She does struggle with friendships but this is improving very very slowly. She would go out alone but to be honest she can’t be quite scatty and I wouldn’t trust her to cross the street on her own, she just would forget to look.

she has definitely really struggled with growing up but we have put this down to her having a very happy childhood up until around age 8, when my mother died and she was horribly bullied the next two years. She is starting some sessions with a life coach this week and I’m really hoping this might help her.

Do you think it's possible anxiety/ trauma related. You say you don't have any family and she doesn't have friends. Maybe she is worried if she grows up and becomes independent she will be alone and that isn't what she wants so doesn't want to grow up.

She sounds very intelligent in other ways but sounds like she is struggling emotionally. Have you looked into any type of therapy for her to see if there's any underlying things you might not be aware of?