Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

[orangeandyellowandbr0wn]

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

I totally agree with this. It sounds like you're very in touch with her needs and sensitivities which is an absolute gift to your daughter. As a late diagnosed AuDHD women, not being understood by my mum was incredibly hard. Not her fault at all; just she's neurotypical and I'm not!
I think it's a big positive that she's online as I I imagine that means she has friends or at least a social group on there?
Are there ever local meet ups associated with her special interests? I'm thinking of something like ComicCon you could go to together? It sounds like finding her tribe is going to be a big help (if that's what she wants..)
Are there any gaming cafes near you you could go to with her?

Make sure you're modelling that independence/adulthood is desireable and fun. Do you go out with friends, have adult hobbies etc?
If it looks like just a case of doing housework and getting a job then I'm not surprised if teens don't hurry to grow up!

DD is almost 17 and first year at college. She has ADHD and now a ASD referral. She isn't into boys/makeup/tiktok so is different to a lot of girls her age. She struggles to make friends but has a couple of good ones. She doesn't like alcohol or fizzy drinks.

She has a lot of sensory issues, so can't wear tights, denim, hates tight bras or any tight clothing.

She has been sorting out a lot of old toys and games recently. We have several BAB My Little Pony and they are going into the loft. The Disney soft toy dolls are in a box in her bedroom. She also has other dolls, from Descendants and they are also staying in her room in a box. She doesn't play with them but it brings her comfort to know its there.

It is hard preparing her for an adult life, potentially moving out to go to Uni, but at the same time when they are SEN you can't just rip away the things that bring them comfort.

I figure that it is nobody else's business what stays in her room in a box.

@orangeandyellowandbr0wn

• Yes to bulding her independence.

It will help reduce her anxiety now and will obviously serve her well in the future

• Big fat no to removing her comfort objects and activities

They are her comfort, they do her good now, she needs them.

However, you ask "AIBU for being fed up about this?"

Why are you fed up? You say you don't think you can take her comfort thigns away. But also that you are "fed up" with them.

Are you really fed up, or is it just that you worry that she will be seen as "different" for ever?

FWIW, I see no reason to ever hurry a child along to grow up for the sake of growing up. Other than the independence side of things, which she will need to develop.

@stickygotstuck Sorry, I misspoke then, my mistake. I am worried she might be ostracised for this - the title should really be AIBU to be worried she'll be different.

You have to accept it to a large degree op. I still have autistic DS22 living with me. I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 42 and there's absolutely no way I could have been independent at a younger age. I met my exH at 18 and he ran the house...I did most of the housework but household admin was a bit beyond me. (Though that would be easier these days with the internet.) Although saying that, if someone had explained it all to me properly I'd have probably been ok...if I'd bothered to listen. So maybe talk about that sort of stuff in small snippets.

So I only became fully independent at age 36 when I divorced. I'd started preparing myself by taking over the running of the house beforehand.

Of course don't take away her comfort things.

Does she have an allowance? You mentioned an interest in anime figures and Hello Kitty. Does she have an allowance she can spend on these things? That might encourage a little independence.

As for her childlike behavior, I wouldn't push it. 14 is really young. I still played with most of my primary ages toys up until age 15. After that I slowly started to lose interest in them. I also watched a lot of mindless children's television after school. It was for children much younger, but I used it to unwind after school. The days were long and I was always tired afterwards. I needed a bit a mindless, non-threatening entertainment afterwards.

She already is different, and it's fine that she is. She knows what she likes and what she takes comfort in.

It’s your job to progress her into as much independence as is possible. That might start with showing a child how to dress themselves, how to eat with cutlery, how to cross a road etc. Somewhere along the line this progression has stalled.
Research some information about what is going on with your daughter, what kind of help you and her need, and make some kind of plan with her. There’s plenty of time as she’s young, you don’t know what the future holds and she needs to progress into better independence.

If your daughter has SEN her development across the board is most likely impacted. As a result play, communication, needs that are typically associated with much younger children are her normal. She's not broken, but it may be time to seek support to better understand her capacities and needs as she ages. It is not uncommon to see 20 year olds with SEN still enjoying toys, children/family films and play.

Soonenough I think “ a bit ND” might cause offence

I think YABU to expect an autistic person to develop in line with their peers. It’s a disability that is all about difference in development. Did you imagine she could be diagnosed with autism and just not experience any of the disability?

As an audhd adult with an audhd adult aged child I urge you to completely ignore the posters telling you to throw away her comfort items. Awful advice!!

Lots and lots of autistic adults like "childish" items like anime and plush toys. That's not a problem at all in itself, they likely give her a lot of joy. She also sounds very intelligent and an avid reader.

But being concerned for her isn't terrible of you either. You know you won't be around forever and she sounds like she is struggling with the transitions and the idea of adulthood looming.

Has she read much about growing up as an audhd girl becoming a woman? There are some great books on the market now, if she likes reading it might be worth looking at some of those for her?

I'd also suggest things like The Big Life Journal, or girls challenge type clubs were they get badges for skills (these aren't all in person, some are book based or online based). I'd focus on finding things to boost her confidence in her abilities.

I'd also look at and read up on Sensitivity Dysphoria as it's something a lot of ADHD women really struggle with.

It's difficult not to worry, isn't it?

But I hope a lof of PPs' posts are showing you that there are many other children/teens like your daugther who are doing things at their own pace. And that is OK.

The people who ostracise them don't really matter. You cannot get along with everybody. And that is OK too. Maybe gently encourage your DD to find her people. One or two good friends are more than enough.

Small steps 🙂.

I don’t think any posters are suggesting throwing away the comfort items and toys? Everyone is saying it’s fine!

As she’s audhd she’s developmentally upto 3 years younger, so if she’s 14.5 it’s more like 11.5

No, of course you aren’t BU to worry.
All of us with children who are a bit different / less mature worry about that. But the main thing is to develop her acceptance and happiness in herself. She will need resilience to be different and be happy.
She will find her tribe eventually.

Well, there you go then. Have you read up on her diagnosis?

My son is exactly the same (15) has autism and being referred for global development delay

I remember at 14 going to visit a school friend and she wanted to play imaginary hobby horse in the garden.

I thought it was weird but I am assuming she’s a fully functioning adult now. No sen as far as I was aware. Some people just like that and looking back it’s kind of sweet. I just wanted to play computer games.

I still played with toys well in to my teen years and still do now. I was recently diagnosed with autistic, so maybe it's worth getting her in for assessment?.

Please don't be pushy with her, she has the whole rest of her life to be an adult.

Abruptly? Never suggested anything abrupt. Your feelings … start your own thread. This is about OP.

I wouldn't take away her comfort items, Autistic people can have a very hard time with change so I think that would be cruel and unwise. You could try and introduce new interests, or she might get them on her own as she gets older. An autisitc relative of mine also didn't want to grow up as he saw that adulthood brought more responsibilites and challanges.

My dd is not quite teenage but she likes her fluffy stuffed animals and does not mix well with others. She has ADHD and autism so I feel there’s a slight developmental delay which will come with time. My dd however is articulate and will be independent given time! If your dd is the same it is best you go by their pace.

I'd be keeping her off the internet, OP. Go the feminism boards and you'll see what happens to vulnerable autistic teenage girls when they find their "new tribe" online.