To think that women are still doing the brunt of childcare even on holiday?

[Binman]

I've just returned from a half term holiday with grandchildren and I am genuinely sad at how much of the childcare still falls to the women. I can honestly say that my observations around the pool and the restaurants it is the mother who is changing, feeding, applying sun cream etc. The father may get in the pool for a while but is mainly chilling while the mother does the main care.

I know there are hands on dads out there but the more I noticed the more I observed and so many of the fathers only did the fun bits in the pool or the quiet time, which was mostly the child on a phone or iPad.

It was the mothers sitting with the child on the plane or carrying three hand luggage's while the father carried the child. While waiting for our flight a woman I was talking to said she was dreading the flight as she was exhausted, when I asked her why she didn't sit in the 4th seat and leave the 2 children to her DH on one row, she said he won't do that.

I suppose my AIBU is that should the fathers not be stepping up, where both parents need a relax and respite from their usual daily grind?

Now your talking about the latter phase of a relationship when both parties have decided they are done having kids. That's not 50/50 throughout the relationship is it. Like I said I'm sure a lot of men would love the opportunity to take a pill etc like women do, that would put the control firmly with them and take it away from women. Is that what you want?

@JoyDreamer86 I never once said it had to be 50/50. What I said is men should take more responsibility for contraception than they often do.
Can you not see the sexism in what you say - absolutely why shouldn't men take a pill if it was available? Why should it be left solely to the woman? Would it be that...shock horror...they couldn't actually be trusted to take it correctly?! Or would they be less bothered as it wouldn't be them left holding the baby or dealing with an unplanned pregnancy?

Yes of course they should do at least an equal amount.
Those men are useless, what is the point of one of those. Get rid. Less of a liability.
Women need financial independence achieved through work. So they dont have to rely on those useless specimen.

You are the mum, you gave birth so of course you have the final say but he still needs to do at least an equal amount.

Men used to pretty much own women and exploit them fully for literally no reason with no second thought.

Why do some women feel guilty when they are within their right to call the shots while their men can continue sharing all the parenting, childcare and chores equally. No need to feel guilty.

Wasn’t there someone on MN who said “I’ll relax a lot more when you relax a lot less” to their husband while on holiday?

^
Yup on an old thread

Absolutely hits the nail on the head

So your answer to shared responsibility on contraception is the man getting the snip? I'm trying to point out to you that your moaning about how unfair it is that men dont have the same control with contraception that women do but I'm saying im sure many men would love to have the same contraception options as women. So in other words stop moaning.

@JoyDreamer86 I'll stop "moaning" when you stop defending men for their lack of responsibility and expecting women to do it all.
Are you one of those wives who does literally everything for her Man-Child husband?

You need to stop generalising men into one pen. Many men are not useless fathers. Im sorry you've only encountered the useless types.

Yes similar here, I had mat leave and then was a SAHM while my DC were preschool age. I first went back to work pt and have been back at work ft for 4 or 5 years. The balance in childcare/arranging childcare, household chores and mental load has barely changed since I was a SAHM despite multiple regular rants conversations about how unbalanced the load is!

I once asked DH whether he even knew how to find out about term dates, dress up days, dentist or medical appointments for the DC and he (100% seriously) said of course, he would look at the calendar! He occassionally mentions we have an email from school as they are sent to both our email addresses but it wouldn't occur to him to respond/take an action to it.

This.

So don't do it. Let the ball drop. Let things fail. Stop martyring yourself. Go to bed when he does, wake when he does. If it results in the holiday being a washout then so be it.

My mum did something similar to what I am suggesting when my dad was dropping the ball once and that single act of her refusal to diminish herself or be treated like a maid has stayed with me my entire life. Your children are not stupid. They will model their idea of relationships based upon what they see from you and your husband. If you have daughters: show them that they have a right to demand their worth. If you have sons: show them what it means to be a man, a husband and a father (or in this case-how not to do it).

Why do you do it? Sit down once a week with your DH and go through the schedule, meal plans, appointments and divide between you who is doing what.

@JoyDreamer86 My first husband turned out to be a misogynist so I divorced him. He genuinely told me (and I quote) that "my role was to serve him and his (our) sons."
My second husband is an incredible husband and dad who does so much. I had learned from my mistakes for sure.
Are you married? Be interested to find out which type your husband is?

My exH lives abroad and genuinely gets a bit annoyed that he has to do “all the running around” to come and see DD every 6 weeks or so - my current DH does drive her to the airport when needed but we don’t fly to where he lives for him - he honestly can’t seem to see the amount of every day running around we do for her. Meanwhile my mother thinks he’s a saint for still seeing her at all as “a lot of men wouldn’t”. If I’d have upped and moved country I’d be demonised.

The bar for dads from society is so incredibly low.

I'm not married and have never had any interest in being married.

YANBU but it certainly wasn't my experience- dh saw holidays as a chance to really spend time with the kids as he saw little of them during the working week.

No and never had a strong desire to have my own children either. That's why I'm very thankful for my contraceptive options. Wouldn't occur to me to moan about selfish men not taking control of the contraception.

Jeez🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

And what's that got to do with not wanting kids?

I was on contraception!!