To think that women are still doing the brunt of childcare even on holiday?

[Binman]

I've just returned from a half term holiday with grandchildren and I am genuinely sad at how much of the childcare still falls to the women. I can honestly say that my observations around the pool and the restaurants it is the mother who is changing, feeding, applying sun cream etc. The father may get in the pool for a while but is mainly chilling while the mother does the main care.

I know there are hands on dads out there but the more I noticed the more I observed and so many of the fathers only did the fun bits in the pool or the quiet time, which was mostly the child on a phone or iPad.

It was the mothers sitting with the child on the plane or carrying three hand luggage's while the father carried the child. While waiting for our flight a woman I was talking to said she was dreading the flight as she was exhausted, when I asked her why she didn't sit in the 4th seat and leave the 2 children to her DH on one row, she said he won't do that.

I suppose my AIBU is that should the fathers not be stepping up, where both parents need a relax and respite from their usual daily grind?

I saw a report on it in my local newspaper, but wait that's probably produced and written by men so it must all be lies. There are no waiting lists on the nhs!

I'm genuinely certain there are many many men like this. I am equally certain that, in most cases, there were clear signs that this would be the case before they had children. Yet the women still chose to go ahead and have children with them.

Surely not possible by all these useless men. They only think of themselves remember.

I waited over 12 months from GP referral to ‘snip’ here in Leeds.

@JoyDreamer86 My husband's was on the NHS. Done at the GP surgery, took hardly any time and home within the hour.
The reality I imagine is that men are very reluctant (oooooh it might hurt!) and would rather their wives take full responsibility.
I'm fortunate in that my husband isn't selfish. and recognised both the short-term and long-term health implications of me remaining on hormonal contraceptives for years.
You say it's due to waiting times but I'm not buying it. Men can always get themselves in the list and wait in that case, no?

Maybe they need to do an advertising campaign to remind men they have this option 😊

@ScreamingFrog A year of waiting is nothing compared to 30-ish years of potentially taking the pill etc though?

Some years we have the standard February half term (the one that starts more or less on 14 Feb) and some years we have the week after that. It sounds as though the OP had the week after that.

If your partner has had to deal with this very early on then the kids won't be suffering as he will be quite used to dealing with hem. My DD and her DH have always shared care pretty equally . They've recently had a second child who is a couple of months old. Her DH is quite capable of dealing with both children and has often done so . She's not planning, preparing etc . He is perfectly able to do that. The other thing is she doesn't treat the kids as just hers and try and enforce " her" way of doing things on him. Therefore he's a fully competent, equal parent

It will never change.

Oh I agree - and having the snip was my idea for that reason - I was just pointing out that PP said that there is no such thing as a waiting list that in some parts of the country there very much is.

Absolutely don’t regret it.

Dont start complaining about contraception now 😆

@JoyDreamer86 It's yet aother thing so many men refuse to take any responsibility for!

When children are small, they often vote with their feet and simply want it to be their mums who comfort them, sit next to them, put them back to sleep etc. Not for everyone obviously, but for a lot of families. This may be because it's been the mum through all of maternity leave.
This furthers the patterns set during ML into toddlerhood.

My DH used to be a SAHD. I'm still viewed as the default parent somehow! He's perfectly fine at dealing with them alone, but if I'm around it's like that responsibility goes back to me.

Exactly.

Or not even full-on SAHM vs 100% provider - simply the mindset that the man is naturally the provider and the woman is the nurturer. Men who hold that view will end up thinking their Big Job is more important down the line.

"Traditional roles" start in the dating process which is why I always bang on about how they're red flags on dating threads. They will box you into being the default domestic person, not just the default parent.

And that's not inevitable in the slightest. When I look around at my parent friends the majority of them do so equally, and the dads are as happy to take on the childcare as the mums. Even the SAHMs - if anything the SAHM I'm closest to probably does the least domestic work of anyone I know (she happily identifies as lazy and is rich enough to throw money at it - she is very good company though).

The thing is we can vent about inequality as a social phenomenon but the only person who can create equality in your own relationship is you. No one else can step in and do it for you. Even on this thread it's notable that the OP has witnessed inequality in the relationships around her, but does not experience it in her own.

You know on an evening we sat with some of these families and it wasn't as if all of the men came across as arseholes and apart from the woman in the airport I didn't hear the mothers complain much.

What made me sad was that it was the default, even on an evening it was the mothers who took the children back early and the men who stayed up later.

i can only guess it’s a poor marriage and they don’t want to spend time together. Neither both go back and sort out bedtime together or, as we did when DT’s were little, put them in the buggy, go for a walk on the beach and then out for dinner whilst they slept next to us.

Many men are just completely oblivious to their privilege.

I think a lot is down to anti-kid culture in the west. It's not "cool" to care for kids, or others really compared to other cultures where men are in general more caring and have caring responsibilities. I see childcare as a privilege, rather than a burden (I suppose really it's both).

Ultimately, though I think it's who gets the more down-time? It doesn't matter what role each are doing, as long as they get equal down-time.

Yup!

ExDP used to refuse to take our baby DDs for a nappy change on days out (whether at home or abroad) because "girls are not allowed in the gents". He did his best to get out of the job at home too but obviously had to use a range of different and equally ridiculous excuses.

And too many women are doormats.

Not sure what you mean?

We have 3 dc and generally on planes I’d sit with 2 and dh with one (dc choice) but we would switch around. On holiday though, dh has always taken dc off to play table tennis etc while I read a book. We used to tag team. Always fairly. My parents are more traditional in that dm worked pt but my dad always took db and I off to give mum a break. This has always been my normal but I do agree that’s not what we see from others. Lazy lazy men. It’s very unattractive.

I refuse to go on self catering holidays. It's all inclusive only or I make my DH pay for every meal we go out for.