To think that women are still doing the brunt of childcare even on holiday?

[Binman]

I've just returned from a half term holiday with grandchildren and I am genuinely sad at how much of the childcare still falls to the women. I can honestly say that my observations around the pool and the restaurants it is the mother who is changing, feeding, applying sun cream etc. The father may get in the pool for a while but is mainly chilling while the mother does the main care.

I know there are hands on dads out there but the more I noticed the more I observed and so many of the fathers only did the fun bits in the pool or the quiet time, which was mostly the child on a phone or iPad.

It was the mothers sitting with the child on the plane or carrying three hand luggage's while the father carried the child. While waiting for our flight a woman I was talking to said she was dreading the flight as she was exhausted, when I asked her why she didn't sit in the 4th seat and leave the 2 children to her DH on one row, she said he won't do that.

I suppose my AIBU is that should the fathers not be stepping up, where both parents need a relax and respite from their usual daily grind?

Only if you had children with a useless turd

But so many women seem to still want the traditional role of housewife and stay-at-home mother whilst their husband is the sole financial provider?

Haha I need to use this line!

and don’t get me started on the 2 hour toilet trips!

Exactly. My dsis tried this, but it ended up with my niece's hair being left for dsis to wash the next day as her dh couldn't be arsed and ''another day won't kill her/ you do it better''.

It definitely starts from day 1. My DH genuinely got annoyed with midwives when they asked me how I was doing and not him. He didn’t like having to sleep on the chair while I was in labour!
He was exhausted too you know! Grgghh!!

The bar is so low for men, that the bare minimum is celebrated. I don’t think it’s even a conscious awareness for a lot of them that their partner or ex-partner is doing the lions share.

Talking to my mum friends and they all feel like Dad does the fun stuff, so they then feel like they’ve done their share and can clock out if doing the rest. They choose when they want to parent, rather than parenting because they have to. Like mums do.

My DH rarely does baby care off his own back. He’ll happily do so if I ask him, but he then I feel like I’m project managing. And if I don’t ask and reach burn out, it’s the whole “well you should have asked” Women carry the bulk of the childcare in addition to the mental load.

I know I'm going to get some grief for sounding smug but this is just not the case in my family. I actually think my husband does more than me. And in my friends circle it's the same. My own dad was defo not hands on in that sense and did the usual driving, bin emptying, fixing stuff but non of the actual parenting until it was time for a bollocking. But all my partners friends and my friends partners do their fair share (from what I see).

‘They choose when they want to parent, rather than parenting because they have to. Like mums do.‘
100% agree here.

I find this so frustrating. My husband will just switch off and say I need a break for a bit now and will walk off. Meanwhile I will have done all the washing, cleaning, cooking, preparing lunches, tidying, making sure kids have adequate clothing/ shoes etc up to date etc.
After kids have gone to bed (who I have bathed, dressed, brushed teeth, read stories, tucked in) I have a million things to prepare for the next day. He just lies on the sofa petting his cat on his phone and toddles off to bed when he wants. He’s the first to complain when there’s something missing the next day!
Total rant here but it’s a man’s world!
who’s in this club?

I wonder what can be done to change the narrative (or whatever the correct expression is). Is this one of the reasons why less women are having children? Because they want different things from life now, now that we have more choices in life

@TheRossie123 Do you both work? I'm not saying for one second it is OK for your husband to do nothing under any circumstance, but does he almost assume the kids are your "job" as he's been at work all day? Again, not saying that's right but wondering if that is how their minds work?

I believe that those who wish to be a completely 50/50 couple should try and achieve this.
However I also believe it is equally important to recognise that not everyone wishes to do exactly 50% of partnered/ family life.
And just as some women will very much like to live a life where they have an extremely fulfilling and exciting career, with a partner who spends more time with the children, others really prefer to let their partners take on other aspects of family life while they spend more time with their children .

None of these types of women is "doing life" better or worse than the rest.
The important thing is the choice of partner and whether or not they are in agreement because you tend to feel resentment when you feel you have been forced into a life you didn't choose.

What has upset me after divorcing, is that I've realised it's not that they (men) sit back and lazily let us do it, it's that many (not all) of them simply don't look past the end of their noses. My ex doesn't remember to book anything like dentist appointments let alone remember a parent drop in or World Bood Day. It's actually sad and makes me worry more about ever not being here, as our kids would certainly be the poorer for it as I think many men think about themselves first. Its not an insult, just the way many are.

Truthfully, it's probably fear of the arguments and animosity a divorce would bring. Also, I have no idea how to unravel our lives. We've been together 15 years. Our kids are small and they love their dad. Well of course the do because he's the fun one and I'm always juggling too many plates.

I did try to end the relationship a few years ago. He promised he'd change and I took him back. He absolutely does more than he used to do.

Does it cause resentment .... Absolutely. I don't know how to get rid of that TBH.

My sons equal parent with their wives.

My god daughter's partner equal parents with her.

Mine were raised by me and me alone, and they learned nothing but respect as well as love for their relationship, their partner, and their child/ren.

These men that you speak of are just lazy.

You are so right - but lots of people (myself included) just didn't realise this then on mat leave then it becomes a habit that mum does it all.

I replied but forgot to quote/ reply to you.

Ugh it's exhausting. I can't mention what my exh is like - doesn't pay maintenance, won't do homework with the kids - because I just get told "that's what men are like". Sigh

It’s all true … but it’ll be the kids who suffer if mum drops the rope. So she doesn’t. And so it goes on. To protect the kids.

If my husband didn't equal parent I'd get rid! Did my first one! 😆

Not all men are as poor as your DH. My DH (and both brothers in law) are equal in the parenting.
I’ve always worked full time - as has DH. We’ve parented as a team. One dropped off at nursery/school and the other collected. DH would take them to buy new shoes and presents for their friends birthday party whilst I waited in for the gas man to arrive. Or I would take them to an after school activity whilst DH did the holiday packing.
Some days one of us would do more - if I was working overseas, DH would pick up the slack. If he was at the gym, I would do homework with the DT’s.

It’s laziness and a lack of respect for the mum if the dad doesn’t do his equal share, to the same standard and without prompting. If they’re capable, functioning adults in the rest of their lives, they can do it, they just don’t.

I definitely see dads mostly only doing the fun on hols. I insist on taking turns with all of the mundane but dh would get away with it if he could - I hate it.

And so what happens if you “get rid“ when the kids are at their Dad‘s? Who parents them then or are they just neglected when they’re at Daddy‘s house?

Seems to be “getting rid” isn’t that simple either.

You’re right, it down to how these men were raised. If their mother did a good job, you’ll benefit in how they regard their partner and family.

@ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly How their dad parents them in his time is his business. But no way would I stay with a lazy (and ultimately disrespectful man) for "the sake of the kids". I didn't want my sons growing up thinking that women are servants.

My DP is pretty equal not only on the day to day, but also on the mental load. It's very good and fits my feminism perfectly. There are drawbacks to the two cooks though. My family and friends don't understand why I can't just get DC's hair cut the way I want or have the "final say" on how we sleep train. Relenquishing sole responsibility means also relenquishing sole decision making.