To think that women are still doing the brunt of childcare even on holiday?

[Binman]

I've just returned from a half term holiday with grandchildren and I am genuinely sad at how much of the childcare still falls to the women. I can honestly say that my observations around the pool and the restaurants it is the mother who is changing, feeding, applying sun cream etc. The father may get in the pool for a while but is mainly chilling while the mother does the main care.

I know there are hands on dads out there but the more I noticed the more I observed and so many of the fathers only did the fun bits in the pool or the quiet time, which was mostly the child on a phone or iPad.

It was the mothers sitting with the child on the plane or carrying three hand luggage's while the father carried the child. While waiting for our flight a woman I was talking to said she was dreading the flight as she was exhausted, when I asked her why she didn't sit in the 4th seat and leave the 2 children to her DH on one row, she said he won't do that.

I suppose my AIBU is that should the fathers not be stepping up, where both parents need a relax and respite from their usual daily grind?

I'm a SAHM to toddler twins. Since birth - during paternity leave, after working hours, and at the weekend - ALL times when as their father he's definitely much on the hook for parenting as I am - older women (and it's always women) tell me how lucky I am, and how great he is to be "helping" and "how unusual" he is. He sometimes politely explains that they're wrong, but mostly doesn't as he just ends up sounding rude for not taking a compliment, and either way we both end up pissed off. He's their father, it's his job when he's not at work.

Why it’s so important to have a high earning husband! If you slog it out all year and then a slog it out on holiday what’s the point. If you have a nice time working PT or less in normal life, when it comes to holiday you can give your husband a bit more of a break… also kids clubs in many hotels for a few quieter hours.

Ok

so…. You presumably got back at least 9 days ago!

my question was simply… why now?

And what was it that caused things to change and things like rape in marriage to become illegal? Genuine question.

You know how something caught your eye and then you didn't think of until later? That.

Not sure why @Binman's reasons are any of your concern or affect any of the points she makes.

Do stop badgering her.

I was just asking as curious whether something triggered it
and then confused with by responses about only just having come back when they’ve been back at school over a week so responded enquiring

On holidays last year there was a dad that could have been on a solo holiday. He was constantly on the phone. His poor wife had one sad cocktail that she didn't even sit back on the lounger and drink. He took one child into the pool, then arrived back two seconds later as she was getting the second child ready, handed her the wet child to bring to the toilet and sat on the lounger with his phone and the second kid until she came back to get the second kid ready for the pool. The first time we saw him with both kids dh and I wanted to give him a standing ovation. (Can you tell we mostly do self catering- the people watching was insane) I will say she completely wasted the 10 mins peace she had. Didn't even lie back. He annoyed us so much.

@Misaster I won't reply again as you can't read or count, as I've already said our half term was last week and back to school today not 9 days ago 🙄

Why does it matter so much to you?

Apart from that obviously for the OP, and us (NE England) and presumably thousands of other people our kids went back to school after half term TODAY.

I’m beginning to come around to the view that women really need to empower themselves. They can learn a lot from a man who simply does whatever the fuck he likes. They should start doing whatever the fuck they like too and simply announce it, as does their male counterpart.

Get up on a Saturday morning and announce your going out now. Don’t tell him where the lunch good is.

Announce you’ve drinks and you’ll be leaving at 7. Don’t ready dinner, don’t give bedtime instructions.

Drop the sun cream in his lap and announce you’re going for a nap. Tell him the bottle contains all the info he needs.

Repeat repeat repeat.

OP, that's not the case for us just because I honestly wouldn't parent with someone like that - I also do think there's a lot of women martyr themselves. But I do agree it's probably more common than not.
I do however always sit with the DC on the plane but that's because I prefer that to sitting with a stranger (as does DH but I always win!)
I'd happily go on holiday every single spare day I had, the best times of my life.

Usually a large percentage of this problem is the woman’s fault - why do everything when you’ve the other parent to share the work with. Fathers can book holidays, do the packing and organise the day’s activities. Unfortunately too many women think they know the best way to do things and then moan they are not getting a break.

Choose your partner more carefully!

Thats just the stuff that you are seeing. I do all the laundry before we go. I pack the bags for me and the kids. I pack the snacks and lunch for the journey. I plan meals for holiday I do the shopping list. I clean the house before we go. I clean the kitchen when we arrive at the our self catering. I unpack the bags. H packs his own bag and does the food shop.

Any activity we do I pack/ unpack the bag.
Swimming.... you guessed it I dress the kids, pack the swimming bag, change of clothes, armbands, toiletries, goggles, swimming toys, towels, a drink and snack for after. I change them, shower them, dress them. H does himself whilevi do the kids and he will take them out while visiting get dressed. Not because he's being helpful but because he feels hot. Day trips out are the same.

Once, we were doing a day trip. I packed everything for an overnight stay. I did a packed lunch for the day and snacks and drinks for the journey. I also packed an extra set of spare clothes and shoes in a separate bag in case anyone got wet. I asked H to pu the kids in the car. It was a freezing day. Anyway, we arrived at our first comfort break and fuck me he hadn't put there coats on them. So OBVIOUSLY that was my fault.

H is a Saint amongst men because he does SO, SO MUCH with the kids. All organised, planned and facilitated by me. Credit where credit it's due he drives but everything else is on me. I am JUST doing what mums do.

Oh and I often get reminded that I'm less fun than I used to be 😆

@Redfred00 and @Berry07, why are you still with your DHs? Does their behaviour not take away some of the love, respect and desire you have for them? Genuinely asking, is it that you think you couldn’t do better or that love really does conquer all? I’m asking because I would struggle to contain the resentment if my DH behaved like that.

My husband and I both work but he does more of the childcare for our 4 daughter than I do at the weekends and on holidays.
His first and only child whereas I have two much older sons from my first marriage so I'm allowing him to enjoy the experience! 😀
He also does all of the cooking but I do the majority of the housework.
Works for us perfectly. I would never tolerate a man that didn't pull his weight/take on his fair share.

DH is far far better at playing with dc than I am, and I am far better at organising bags and making sure everyone is in the right place. I didn't fully appreciate that this would create a narrative that he is the fun one ... on balance I don't think I mind, we play to our strengths and I have had many hours chilling out while he plays endless board games! But dc definitely don't notice all the stuff I do.

I refuse to blame women for the crapness of men.

Generally speaking, legislation has become more pro-women (and children) as more women have got into parliament.

I understand why a lot of women don't like the phrasing of women "allowing" discrimination to happen, but it doesn't go away just because men suddenly become fairer.

You cannot be "given" freedom. You have to take it.

Well woman have a voice so if they dont want to do it then do something about it, the martyrdom really is getting tiring if people have a partner problem then sort it out with that partner

It's ok doing this if it's only your partner who suffers. It's not ok if it's your children, which is why we jump into the trap - to put them first.

Yeah, I think 95% of the time that’s a cop out though and way too often used.

I haven’t read it like that. Women aren’t to blame, men aren’t to blame, some people are just shits. I’m pretty lucky I don’t know many crap men or women. I know one, crap man not my friend but an in-law. He does nothing. His wife knew that, he was like that when they got married, after their son was born, and even worse after their daughter was born. She complained about him from before the children came. Why would you get married to that person, let alone have one, and then a second child?

At some point you have to take some personal responsibility for your choices, especially if you are bringing children into the world and you’re their main role models.

Absolutely. Until we overhaul maternity/paternity leave in a use it of lose it arrangement like the scandi countries to encourage parents to share the leave, this will continue to happen. Not a cure-all, but a step in the right direction.

@JoyDreamer86 well imo when men and women stopped making excuses and holding the right people accountable and that was done in a legal sense as well as a society thing as more women got into power government, started be able to control when and if they wanted babies etc

Sadly it's not just men keeping other women down and in their place by placing the blame on the wrong people .

A lazy man by proxy is allowed to get away with it because people make up excuses (usually blaming the nearest female for the actions of a man)

You can see it play out on this thread.