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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Object to my Colleague Harping on About Me Being British?

143 replies

BaMamma · 02/03/2025 22:28

I spent most of my adult life in North London and moved to the Pacific Northwest nearly 7 years ago so naturally pretty much everyone I work with is American. Sometimes I say something that denotes me as British, calling elevators lifts, or saying, 'I can't be faffed' to do something and we all have a good laugh, fair enough. However, I have one colleague who keeps commenting on it and it's starting to get to me.

For example, as part of a work committee, I had to do an 'icebreaker' activity for our team, and he sent a Teams message commenting that he was surprised at this as I was British. Afterwards he sent a message saying I'd done well despite being British and referring to me as a 'limey', he then went on to explain the term and tell me about his interest in British Naval History!

I messaged back saying I knew the term as my brother had been bullied with it when we were kids, commenting that 'kids can be so xenophobic', thinking that would be a big enough hint. But, no, he came back saying 'he came by it honestly' as his great grandmother came from X place in Britain!

I'm starting to feel weirdly 'othered' by this, am I being oversensitive?

YABU: you're being oversensitive, just let it slide
YANBU: that's annoying, address it directly

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 02/03/2025 22:30

Maybe he's trying to make you feel included by making conversation. He's just being a bit heavy-handed. No doubt it'll wear off in time.

RedHelenB · 02/03/2025 22:32

It's good natured, wouldn't bother me in the slightest to be called a limey.

Original poster
BaMamma · 02/03/2025 22:37

Whatifitallgoesright · 02/03/2025 22:30

Maybe he's trying to make you feel included by making conversation. He's just being a bit heavy-handed. No doubt it'll wear off in time.

If he was trying to make me feel included, wouldn't he say things out loud in meetings rather than sending me Teams messages?

OP posts:
Timeandemotion · 02/03/2025 22:38

I totally get where you are coming from OP.
I was born and grew up in England but have spent the last 45 years in Scotland.i speak with an English accent and I still frequently get people asking me where I'm.from and treating as though I'm a visitor - talking to me about my birthplace place even though I've not even visited there for over 40 years. It makes me feel as though I'm the perpetual outsider and will never truly belong.
So I don't think you are bein oversensitive.

Original poster
BaMamma · 02/03/2025 22:38

RedHelenB · 02/03/2025 22:32

It's good natured, wouldn't bother me in the slightest to be called a limey.

Good for you. As I indicated, it bothers me because it was used to bully my older brother when we spent a year in North America when we were kids.

OP posts:
CowboyJoanna · 02/03/2025 22:39

YANBU

He sounds like a racist bully.

Original poster
BaMamma · 02/03/2025 22:39

Timeandemotion · 02/03/2025 22:38

I totally get where you are coming from OP.
I was born and grew up in England but have spent the last 45 years in Scotland.i speak with an English accent and I still frequently get people asking me where I'm.from and treating as though I'm a visitor - talking to me about my birthplace place even though I've not even visited there for over 40 years. It makes me feel as though I'm the perpetual outsider and will never truly belong.
So I don't think you are bein oversensitive.

Thanks, I know that I'll always be a newcomer here, but the constant references to it are wearing.

OP posts:
Yellowhammer09 · 02/03/2025 22:41

Just refer to him as a dirty yank and he'll soon stop.

echt · 02/03/2025 22:41

RedHelenB · 02/03/2025 22:32

It's good natured, wouldn't bother me in the slightest to be called a limey.

How can it be good-natured to refer to someone by their nationality by a derogatory word?

I step on every Pom reference that comes my way. Other Poms excepted of course.

Original poster
BaMamma · 02/03/2025 22:41

Yellowhammer09 · 02/03/2025 22:41

Just refer to him as a dirty yank and he'll soon stop.

I'm not sure tit for tat is particularly helpful here.

OP posts:
jocktamsonsbairn · 02/03/2025 22:44

As you can probably tell from my user name I'm from Scotland but lived in England for over 20 years. Most people were great but there were always some who made a huge big deal about me being Scottish, eating haggis, where were my trousers, making out I was right (I tend to be too generous at buying rounds after a few drinks and they were always the ones who didn't put their hands in their pockets), called me 'sweaty' (sweaty sock - jock) pretended they couldn't understand me etc etc - just 'banter' of course. Racist arseholes basically!

Wtafdidido · 02/03/2025 22:47

If he was making similar comments to other nationalities would that be acceptable to he? Being white and British does not make it acceptable. You need to clearly tell him that he needs to drop the references and comments as it is making you uncomfortable and you do not like it.

fashionqueen0123 · 02/03/2025 22:47

It sounds like he’s a bit obsessed with Britain? Like as he’s mentioned his family etc so means well.
Maybe it’s coming across badly though.

Haveanaiceday · 02/03/2025 22:48

Sounds like he is interested in Britian via his British family connections (which i believe Americans take a big interest in even if its quite a long way back) and a bit of an anglophile. Maybe he follows some British social media where it's quite common to say Brits are a bit more reserved and not keen on things like "icebreakers". I'd take it as friendly. He would probably love it if you had a chat about tea and biscuits and British history etc.

Original poster
BaMamma · 02/03/2025 22:53

Haveanaiceday · 02/03/2025 22:48

Sounds like he is interested in Britian via his British family connections (which i believe Americans take a big interest in even if its quite a long way back) and a bit of an anglophile. Maybe he follows some British social media where it's quite common to say Brits are a bit more reserved and not keen on things like "icebreakers". I'd take it as friendly. He would probably love it if you had a chat about tea and biscuits and British history etc.

This has a bit of a 'that boy's being mean to you because he really likes you' vibe to it.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 22:54

I had an American work colleague who laughed every time I spoke because he'd watched Monty Python and my accent was so funny!

He got short shrift.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 02/03/2025 22:55

@BaMamma This has a bit of a 'that boy's being mean to you because he really likes you' vibe to it.

People are trying to help you here and come up with suggestions for you that possibly may ring true and you're just giving really arsey responses. No need for it.

CowboyJoanna · 02/03/2025 22:58

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 02/03/2025 22:55

@BaMamma This has a bit of a 'that boy's being mean to you because he really likes you' vibe to it.

People are trying to help you here and come up with suggestions for you that possibly may ring true and you're just giving really arsey responses. No need for it.

The "arsey" response is justified because it's an arsey patronising response
This isnt a classroom where theres a new students, its an office of adults

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 02/03/2025 22:58

Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 22:54

I had an American work colleague who laughed every time I spoke because he'd watched Monty Python and my accent was so funny!

He got short shrift.

I have also experienced shit like that - I came down on it like a ton of bricks.

OP it’s not ok if he is repeatedly making reference to you in ways you find offensive. I’d probably ask him to stop, then mention it to his manager and/or HR. Where I work (also US) this would not be acceptable.

Shanananah · 02/03/2025 23:13

OP I think bluntness is needed here. Call him out for being offensive, explain what is not okay. Ffs, a icebreaker! He sounds like a proper dickhead! Whether he means to be or not, he needs to understand it's not okay and why.

Talipesmum · 02/03/2025 23:25

For example, as part of a work committee, I had to do an 'icebreaker' activity for our team, and he sent a Teams message commenting that he was surprised at this as I was British. Afterwards he sent a message saying I'd done well despite being British

This is the worst bit for me. Never mind the nickname stuff, some people see it as just fun casual terms for people from other countries and others like your brother have had it in nasty ways. I can see how someone might be jovially misapplying this sort of terminology even though it’s at best tired and at worst bullying / racist.

But the whole “assuming all British people have the exact same stereotypical personality” is far worse I think. It’s completely dense. He is clearly explaining that he is making total assumptions about what you like and what you are good at, entirely based on the country you were born in. It’s not even assuming you like tea and biscuits or something. It’s assuming your capability at work. This is what I’d directly address and focus on. Say to him “you do realise that British people have as wide a range of personalities as anyone else?” Unless you are personally widely known to hate icebreakers at work, and are known to be introverted and shy, he has no excuse. It’s not even like he said “I’ve heard British people don’t tend to like icebreakers, is that true?” He’s got no curiosity, only patronisingly showing off his assumptions.

BasicBeach · 02/03/2025 23:34

Sounds like he has a thing for that 'British accent' and is really bad at flirting. Yikes!! ;)

Original poster
BaMamma · 02/03/2025 23:56

Talipesmum · 02/03/2025 23:25

For example, as part of a work committee, I had to do an 'icebreaker' activity for our team, and he sent a Teams message commenting that he was surprised at this as I was British. Afterwards he sent a message saying I'd done well despite being British

This is the worst bit for me. Never mind the nickname stuff, some people see it as just fun casual terms for people from other countries and others like your brother have had it in nasty ways. I can see how someone might be jovially misapplying this sort of terminology even though it’s at best tired and at worst bullying / racist.

But the whole “assuming all British people have the exact same stereotypical personality” is far worse I think. It’s completely dense. He is clearly explaining that he is making total assumptions about what you like and what you are good at, entirely based on the country you were born in. It’s not even assuming you like tea and biscuits or something. It’s assuming your capability at work. This is what I’d directly address and focus on. Say to him “you do realise that British people have as wide a range of personalities as anyone else?” Unless you are personally widely known to hate icebreakers at work, and are known to be introverted and shy, he has no excuse. It’s not even like he said “I’ve heard British people don’t tend to like icebreakers, is that true?” He’s got no curiosity, only patronisingly showing off his assumptions.

Edited

Curiosity would be fine, but he's assuming that he knows about 'British culture' or some such on the basis of a great grandmother and a passion for British Naval History!!

OP posts:
SalfordQuays · 03/03/2025 00:00

I can’t believe people are defending this man and his offensive racial stereotyping. Would it be OK to tease an Irish person and ask if they had potatoes for every meal? Or joke with an Indian man that his parents must have been disappointed he wasn’t a doctor? Or refer to a German colleague as a Hun?

Apparently OP has to put up with this shit, because he’s only joking and he probably fancies her.

OP I’d tell him that he’s out of order.

Original poster
BaMamma · 03/03/2025 00:03

CowboyJoanna · 02/03/2025 22:58

The "arsey" response is justified because it's an arsey patronising response
This isnt a classroom where theres a new students, its an office of adults

Show quote history

Thank you!

OP posts: