To Object to my Colleague Harping on About Me Being British?

[BaMamma]

I spent most of my adult life in North London and moved to the Pacific Northwest nearly 7 years ago so naturally pretty much everyone I work with is American. Sometimes I say something that denotes me as British, calling elevators lifts, or saying, 'I can't be faffed' to do something and we all have a good laugh, fair enough. However, I have one colleague who keeps commenting on it and it's starting to get to me.

For example, as part of a work committee, I had to do an 'icebreaker' activity for our team, and he sent a Teams message commenting that he was surprised at this as I was British. Afterwards he sent a message saying I'd done well despite being British and referring to me as a 'limey', he then went on to explain the term and tell me about his interest in British Naval History!

I messaged back saying I knew the term as my brother had been bullied with it when we were kids, commenting that 'kids can be so xenophobic', thinking that would be a big enough hint. But, no, he came back saying 'he came by it honestly' as his great grandmother came from X place in Britain!

I'm starting to feel weirdly 'othered' by this, am I being oversensitive?

YABU: you're being oversensitive, just let it slide
YANBU: that's annoying, address it directly

Would it be acceptable to say “you did really well despite being black/female/Jewish/native American”? No. Therefore this isn’t. He expected you to do badly because of your nationality.

This.

Come on, you’re British OP. Give him a hard stare and think of something very subtle but cutting.

It sounds to me like he's a bit of an Anglophile and loves the fact you're British. That explains why he's always mentioning it and has an interest in British naval history. I have an online American friend who can't stop mentioning the fact I'm British. She's fascinated by it.
Honestly, I wouldn't do anything.

Oh, it would be even worse.

I have come across Americans who genuinely seem to find it weird or hilarious that black or Asian British people have(wait for it) British accents.

Just say a lot of people think septic tanks talk too loud and too much but I personally don't like to stereotype as it's rude.

@BaMamma

"It's been a slow drip, but it's increased recently, which is why I'm bothered by it. An occasional remark is understandable, but it's getting a bit much."

Why don't you just say something along those lines to him? to me it sounds like he is clumsily worried that you may feel you don't fit in because you're not "the same" as the rest of them (not American) and he is clumsily trying to be friendly – so he needs to know you aren't finding his approach particularly helpful. I would spell it out I think as it's clearly getting to a point it's really pissing you off.

But if it was me, I would just have him pigeon holed in the "oh yes he's the bloke who always wants to talk about English stuff" box (like I have a "she's the one who can't help but moan every time she's in a meeting but never actually does or says anything constructive about it" box for another member of our staff) and then I just interact with them on their level, but let it wash over me.

I think I would email him and say “I’ve got to be honest… You haven’t picked up the less than subtle hint I dropped. I gave you the opportunity to stop with the British/Limey thing, but you’ve actually escalated it. I’ll spell it out. It’s not funny. It’s divisive and I don’t like it. Please stop.”

Personally, I'm fed up of this ongoing racism towards the English. It hurts even more when it comes from British institutions like the BBC.

I am not responsible for the history of this country, just as I don't blame other nationalities for the acts of their ancestors.

And, before someone tries to be clever and point out my privilege, I can tell you now you wouldn't want to swap your life for mine.

How is limey derogatory?

You could do that for any word. It is often not the word itself, but the fact it is used to mock another another race/culture/country.

'How is the p word derogatory, it's just shorthand for your country?' (I heard this too many times in the not too distant past at school).

Anyone attributing stereotypical characteristics to someone because of their race, ethnicity or culture is an ignorant and unpleasant person. Yes, even if it's towards the white British.

But we've not been colonised like Pakistan or even America. I'd equal it more to calling the French foggies. As I said , personally it wouldn't upset me.

Tell him here's a bit of trivia he may not know that cockney rhyming slang would call him a septic tank. Ask him if you started calling him a septic tank would it make him feel uncomfortable only him calling you a Limey does.

He sounds unpleasant I don't understand why he has to constantly refer to your background it sounds like bullying . and I don't understand why he thinks British people couldn't do an icebreaker activity There has been one in every away day, team planning day I have been to.
It sounds as though he has no idea about British life. I understand your frustration but I would try and ignore him.

I understand OP! I was called "the English girl" by everyone in my school, even though I was born in that country, purely because my parents were English and I had a slight accent. It's alienating, especially if you don't identifying strongly with that country.

Military historians are the most tiresome and tedious people ever. That’ll be the issue!

Seriously, I get how tiresome this is and I’m just a northerner living in the south east. It’s like in their mind you have a cookie cutter “British” personality.

'Tell me Randy, are all Americans so openly xenophobic, or are you the exception? I am surprised you would conduct yourself like this at your place of work'.

I lived in the southern states for a decade - there’s someone like this in every school / office - who’s obsessed with their own ‘European history’ and is weirdly unfiltered about sharing their ‘knowledge’.

I think you have to get a bit of a thick skin about it - but also recognise they’re the same weirdos that show up in British offices and will use any ‘in’ to try and monopolise your time. Don’t give them an inch.

I find disengaging with it entirely is the most effective. Responding ‘sure’ or with a thumbs up emoji to anything they say. If they try and talk about their family tree or British military history in person then ‘I’m not particularly interested in family / military history - I’m definitely not the right audience for this’ and change the subject immediately to something work related. If he persists then ‘let’s keep this professional shall we? I don’t think my heritage is relevant to my work’ - and then escalate to HR on the grounds he’s harassing you.

In general I prefer the enthusiasm + professionalism of the american offices I worked in - but this is a tedious factor I agree!

Because of this

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4568302-ice-breaker-games-that-you-dont-hate

Come on, we hate bloody ice breakers.

’Ultimate fantasy Gareth?’

🙄

Yes. I follow a podcast page on instagram - all British Asian guys (as in East Asian), with South London accents.

The Americans in the comments seem mind blown at the concept!

She said he keeps raising the fact she is British, not English

You’re not being unreasonable. Referencing someone’s race in that way shouldn’t happen. It’s definitely frowned upon in UK. Even with cultural differences, it would seem he knows he should not be saying things like that as he only does so privately.

Sorry, you don't think the British have ever been colonised? I'm assuming from your post that you are British, don't you know your own history?

That's embarrassing.

I'm sorry, would you rather people used racism to mean whatever they want it to mean?

In recent history? You have to stretch back to 1066….

(and ignores the history of racial oppression which is why P-ki is seen as so offensive in the UK.)