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AIBU?

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Original poster

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
ThePartingOfTheWays · 03/03/2025 09:26

Naunet · 03/03/2025 08:46

Where does OP say they're married?

Show quote history

I was about to post the same. The consistent use of DP suggests they're not.

Although it would still be a foolish post for @PassingStranger to make even if they were, because being married to someone doesn't mean you had that in your vows.

ABananaADay · 03/03/2025 09:27

Very best wishes for baby’s arrival today ❤️

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:28

Ok so if his old boss is offering him work and you have your DPs staying with you he can start work with him tomorrow, he needs to phone his old boss today to sort it out.

He also needs to work out how he's going to finish the job he started and talk to his client before he ends up in the Small Claims Court.

Redfred00 · 03/03/2025 09:36

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:22

Morning everyone. Thank you for the responses and advice. I've been up since 4am with my mind whirling, mainly about the op and also about this. I really wish I could just put this aside for today but I can't since this will have a massive financial impact on how we will survive this month.

I've suggested to dp that he looks at some sort of start up support for his business and that in the meantime if another lull in work happens he needs to go back to his old employer. What I don't understand is his ex boss literally said if he needed some work to let him know and he can do some days here or there. He was given the perfect set up but stubbornly kept refusing it for no good reason. I tried to insist, when he had no work coming in, to go back to him but every time he would have an excuse that really meant nothing.

I do not accept the situation he has put us in but unfortunately I do not control him so once he made the final call and I had battled him with my concerns and worries, what more could I do? I felt like the only choice I was given was to play along and hope that it all worked out like he convinced himself it would.

I made dp go through monthly expenses as I refuse to have the first month with our newborn overshadowed by money stresses and wanted him to be fully transparent so we could know what to expect. He very naively was trying to reassure me that this month wouldn't be a problem ( he likes to do this ) and that he can pick up small jobs throughout the month. After going through our money and all our expenditures he very quickly realised it wasn't realistic to think we can manage and I shut down his blasé attitude.

His parents have already lent him money that he now owes back, so now I'm, begrudgingly, having to borrow of my family even though this really shouldn't be made to be their problem. I'm just grateful this is even an option, however I've stressed to dp that this is the LAST time we are relying on everyone else to save us. It's time to get his act together and that if this happens again he is to seek established work to bide us over rather than turning to others for help.

Edited

Why are you bailing him out? He's done this! Let him beg and borrow money. I wouldn't borrow money of your family because his pride stopped him getting work of his ex box. What idiot decides to start a business with a baby on the way anyways? He unilaterally made these decisions so let him fix it. Fuck me. You'll have 3 whinging babies soon. He's a dad. He needs to act like a dad. He's meant to priorities his kids and family above his ego. Honest, if I was you I'd take the kids to my parents do as bot to deal with his nonsense. And, if he wants to involve mummy in his business maybe he needs to move in with them. I'd honestly prefer to be a single parent.

Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:40

To answer the many posts asking where the money has gone to, I really don't know. Dp has this talent at answering my questions without really being direct or giving straight answers. So every time I have confronted him about this, it's been oh this or that has happened. The general consensus is that some more work cropped up during the job that now requires more materials. Obviously dp has just underpriced though, which he likes to do to keep his quotes down. Whether he intentionally did this or it was a genuine mistake I don't know but either way it's come back to bite him.

I think when dp took on this job he was way over his head with it but the lack of work coming in left him no choice. If there is one thing we have agreed on, it's that dp will never touch a job of this magnitude again. He is now running significantly over time and is no longer getting paid labour for these days. So effectively he is losing money at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:42

@TinyMouseTheatre that offer was on the table when he initially left. I don't know if it's something that he could pick up on again but I've told dp he definitely needs to message his old boss and suss it out. I doubt it will be an immediate thing, his boss may not even need the help depending if he himself has work on/not hired anyone else ect. But dp needs to open that line of communication again and guage the situation so we can have that as a back up plan.

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:43

And I do agree with @Redfred00. This is for him to sort out.

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:44

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:42

@TinyMouseTheatre that offer was on the table when he initially left. I don't know if it's something that he could pick up on again but I've told dp he definitely needs to message his old boss and suss it out. I doubt it will be an immediate thing, his boss may not even need the help depending if he himself has work on/not hired anyone else ect. But dp needs to open that line of communication again and guage the situation so we can have that as a back up plan.

Ok so he needs to do that and register at some agencies to find work as soon as.

I'm just so, so sorry that you're going through this Flowers

Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:44

@Redfred00 I really don't know what else to do! Trust me I am as frustrated about it coming to this as you are. But I feel like we have no other options. If we don't borrow this money I don't see a way out and at the end of the day, although this is dp's mistake, it is now MY problem as well as it affects us as a family financially.

We need to get this sorted asap. I will not have the first month of our child being born ruined by the stresses of this situation, I don't want to be, ontop of everything else, worrying about how we are going to afford food/nappies ect. I need him to sort this out, learn from it and do better. This is the best I can do whilst I'm in no position to make radical changes myself and just up and leave!

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:50

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:44

@Redfred00 I really don't know what else to do! Trust me I am as frustrated about it coming to this as you are. But I feel like we have no other options. If we don't borrow this money I don't see a way out and at the end of the day, although this is dp's mistake, it is now MY problem as well as it affects us as a family financially.

We need to get this sorted asap. I will not have the first month of our child being born ruined by the stresses of this situation, I don't want to be, ontop of everything else, worrying about how we are going to afford food/nappies ect. I need him to sort this out, learn from it and do better. This is the best I can do whilst I'm in no position to make radical changes myself and just up and leave!

Edited

Can he get himself off to the foodbank too?

Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:53

@TinyMouseTheatre hopefully it won't come to that if we had the help of my family. But worst case I don't see why not.

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 03/03/2025 09:54

DP should be charging a deposit on jobs, that covers the cost of materials, and then he gets paid the labour once he is finished. He should also ensure that he is costing jobs out properly as if he is working for free, then something has gone terribly wrong.

if he can't manage those basic things, then there is no way that he should be running his own business. Not everyone is cut out for it.

ThreeMagicNumber · 03/03/2025 09:57

Are you claiming universal credits? When you are a new start up the first amount of income is discounted for a certain amount of years. I'm not sure exactly what as it's my sister and her dh that claimed it as he's a new start up. Go on the entitledto website and input your income etc and see if you can get financial help.

Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:57

@skyeisthelimit he does this. He gets an initial deposit, and then installments throughout until the final payment.

From what I gather dp had to use the money to buy tools specifically needed for this job that has set him back financially. Either way it is his fault and not the clients. I told him he to always overcharge then if anything give the difference back at the end, rather than under and put yourself in this predicament.

OP posts:
Redfred00 · 03/03/2025 10:00

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:44

@Redfred00 I really don't know what else to do! Trust me I am as frustrated about it coming to this as you are. But I feel like we have no other options. If we don't borrow this money I don't see a way out and at the end of the day, although this is dp's mistake, it is now MY problem as well as it affects us as a family financially.

We need to get this sorted asap. I will not have the first month of our child being born ruined by the stresses of this situation, I don't want to be, ontop of everything else, worrying about how we are going to afford food/nappies ect. I need him to sort this out, learn from it and do better. This is the best I can do whilst I'm in no position to make radical changes myself and just up and leave!

Edited

As a couple you discuss things. He quite his job without a care for your opinon on it. He unilaterally made this decision despite your misgivings. If as a family you need the money then he should be sorting it. Has he tried to get a buisness loan? If your family is the only option then the loan should be to him. With a proper written loan agreement making him solely responsible for paying it back. He's done this and now he needs to fix it. He needs to put his ego aside and ask for his old job back then take of self employed stuff on the side. Unfortunately, if it goes wrong, which to be fair is highly probable with his lack of communication, big ego and a newborn in the mix, you don't want to end up a single parent with a loan to pay back. I'm not trying to be unkind. I just don't want you to get shafted down the line because of his poor decision making.

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 10:01

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:57

@skyeisthelimit he does this. He gets an initial deposit, and then installments throughout until the final payment.

From what I gather dp had to use the money to buy tools specifically needed for this job that has set him back financially. Either way it is his fault and not the clients. I told him he to always overcharge then if anything give the difference back at the end, rather than under and put yourself in this predicament.

Can he sell the tools and hire them when needed instead?

My DH occasionally has to buy a tool for his business. It's always costed out and he almost always buys good condition secondhand.

That's pretty irrelevant now for you though. It doesn't sound as though he's cut out for being self employed on the slightest and he needs paid work and fast.

Naunet · 03/03/2025 10:03

At a minimum, you need to look at going back to work full time after your maternity leave. You cannot sacrifice your career when you're an unmarried mum with a financially incompetent, lying partner. You need to look out for yourself, because this man is incapable, I'm genuinely sorry to say.

Good luck for today, take a break from thinking about this idiots mistakes for at least 48 hours, and focus on you. Tell him he needs to get it sorted - he needs to be left to deal with the consequences of his actions.

skyeisthelimit · 03/03/2025 10:05

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 09:57

@skyeisthelimit he does this. He gets an initial deposit, and then installments throughout until the final payment.

From what I gather dp had to use the money to buy tools specifically needed for this job that has set him back financially. Either way it is his fault and not the clients. I told him he to always overcharge then if anything give the difference back at the end, rather than under and put yourself in this predicament.

ok, so he does have an idea then, but it sounds like he did not set himself up properly, as he should have had all the necessary equipment before starting, or enough funds to buy what he needed as he went along. He should have saved money, or taken a small business loan etc, to ensure that he had a buffer fund when he started up.

Ongoing, it sounds like he needs to get the work that he can, using the tools that he has, work for his old boss in quiet periods, and save as much as he can, after family costs, to get new tools etc to take on bigger jobs.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 03/03/2025 10:26

Stay with him and this is your life forever OP.

That is all.

Shetlands · 03/03/2025 10:34

When you receive the money from your parents, please don't put it in a joint account. The only security you'll have this month for food & nappies is that money so please guard it ferociously! Thinking of you today and wishing you didn't have all this worry on your mind. xx

Nonrienderien · 03/03/2025 10:35

Although I feel your pain OP in the days not that long ago when there was no such thing as paternity leave we just struggled on. It was exhausting but we coped. My DH eventually became self employed & the majority of child care was my role while he built his business. It felt like a sacrifice worth taking when he grew the business enough to employ help which allowed him more time at home with the children allowing me to go back to work part time. I agree with your DH. If you want the privilege of extra money gained in a successful business it involves sacrifices, especially at the beginning.

Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 10:39

@Nonrienderien it's not even necessarily the lack of paternity leave that I'm mad about it.

It's the fact that it's left us no money for the month to get by.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 10:41

And this is why, when researching about starting up any business, they always say you need at least y months minimum of savings. So if these things do happen it's not the difference between being able to afford food or not.

I'm well aware this could pay off for the future, I don't dispute it. My problem lies in the timing of him going down this road. I don't think it's selfish for him to start his own business, I think it's selfish of him to start his own business when we were expecting knowing we had no money to cushion a fall.

OP posts:
Lostinawood · 03/03/2025 10:49

CanOfMangoTango · 02/03/2025 19:52

I would honestly consider this the end of the relationship.

He has let you down big time. Sorry OP.

I agree with this.

The man is a feckless idiot.

More than that, you are married. Big life decisions are made together. Instead he emotionally guilted you and then rail roaded you into going down a high risk path at a very vulnerable time in your life (young children).

He has now destroyed his reputation before his business gets off the ground by fucking his clients over by taking on work he cannot finish.

What a fool.

If he can't meet his bills I presume he will have to declare bankruptcy?

You need to see what you can claim in benefits and try to increase your own working hours as soon as you can, and try to develop your own career to increase your own earning potential.

On a plus note, please don't worry about the ELC. I have had two C-sections and they are such an nice, easy civilised way to have a baby.

Nonrienderien · 03/03/2025 10:54

Onedayaway · 03/03/2025 10:39

@Nonrienderien it's not even necessarily the lack of paternity leave that I'm mad about it.

It's the fact that it's left us no money for the month to get by.

Apologies for not mentioning the financial side. I assumed given you mentioned you were able to borrow money from family this initial gap was sorted. I remember the days we had to borrow money, sell bikes etc anything to get us through the tough days. If people asked me how I coped with such a determined DH who would even dream of putting us through this I could have cried. This went on for about a year. Now I get accused of being so 'lucky'🙄
Self employment is not for the faint hearted. If it's successful & there's no guarantee, you will look back & think it was really worth it. I wouldn't change a thing & would definitely do it all again.

I should add my DH became redundant when I was in the hospital having had a c/s which led him to creating his own business & it grew & grew. The initial worry was indescribable but we got there. I wish you all the best going forward.