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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

263 replies

Starry4321 · 02/03/2025 18:19

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

OP posts:
bellocchild · 03/03/2025 17:14

You could say that X museum or restaurant looks as if it's expensive, and decide to take a packed lunch instead. Eating a sandwich in the car wouldn't be much fun.

mitogoshigg · 03/03/2025 17:21

If money is tight just go to free places. Kids don't need to be taken out to paid activities and lunches - picnics, parks, free museums, take a flask of coffee

mitogoshigg · 03/03/2025 17:23

That said in my house we all fight to pay the bill!

CousinBob · 03/03/2025 17:36

I see you say that MIL hoards her possessions. I would say that the money thing is similar. She probably feels very anxious about spending it.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/03/2025 17:38

CousinBob · 03/03/2025 17:36

I see you say that MIL hoards her possessions. I would say that the money thing is similar. She probably feels very anxious about spending it.

Yet she is happy to suggest expensive days out for other people to pay for.

I would sympathise if she was worried about money and reluctant to suggest things that were expensive but she's not, she still wants to go out and do stuff but doesn't want to have to put her hand in her pocket herself.

“If I could afford it” is the relevant part - op and husband can’t afford to pay for everything when they go out with MIL, but she expects them to.

Exactly-this is the crux of it.

Gtbb · 03/03/2025 17:45

Tell your husband that unfortunately money is too tight to host his mother and he needs to tell her that.

She sounds awful.

OnGoldenPond · 03/03/2025 17:46

I find her attitude very weird. We always pay for everyone when we go out to eat with DC in their twenties and their partners. We are comfortable and they are still making their way in first jobs and trying to save so I'm happy with that. Will probably let them pay their share when they are more established and have more spare cash. Would never expect them to pay for me, but would accept gratefully if they offered to treat me for a special occasion.

Judecb · 03/03/2025 18:13

Suggest a kitty for upcoming trips that you both pay into ahead.

Fenouillard · 03/03/2025 18:33

I think you have two choices. Either never go anywhere where you have to pay, e.g. parks for a walk but no coffees or lunch; or explain that you are tight to cash and could she pay her share “ children are so expensive aren’t they?” Also introduce a discussion about what to buy a friend when you visit them. “ we haven’t got much money but it’s important to bring something when you visit isn’t it? Should we just get flowers ?” It’s important that you reset the relationship as otherwise you are not going to enjoy her coming.

Dogsbreath7 · 03/03/2025 19:39

Easy. Don’t go out with her or only to free things. Even coffee/tea suggest a picnic/ flask. Repeat money is tight and you can’t afford it - till it sinks in. She might offer sometime and if she does hold her to it. Otherwise be as boring as you can when she comes over.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 03/03/2025 19:45

Unfortunately she's not going to change so you have to handle this.

Free activities only, packed lunches and thermos of coffee and when she says anything you say sorry mil, money is tight and we can't afford to pay for all these activities for you any more.

Ilovecleaning · 03/03/2025 19:46

There’s no excuse. She’s just a tight arse. Take matters into your own hands if DH won’t tackle her. When her next visit is imminent text her and say you will have to skip the next visit as things are tight. End your text with “ I’ll phone you shortly.”
Then phone and take it from there. Be pleasant at all times! 😊

2catsandhappy · 03/03/2025 19:47

Always set out your expectations well in advance, at the point of arranging the visit.

'Hmm if you transfer me the money mil, I'll order your ticket with ours.'

'Oh I'll do a packed lunch, really pricey at that xyz place.'

'Bring your gardening gloves mil, we are picking up mulch leaves in the park. Then at home I have a lovely soup in the slow cooker.''

'I'm not sure mil, I'll check the prices online and get back to you.'

'We've already done our shopping. We won't be going again while you are here.'

'That is way out of our budget.'

You must speak up @Starry4321 or all your memories of dc early years with mil, will be photos of places you resented going to, all the while fake smiling worrying about affording the council tax.. Then after, you will have zero budget to go to the places you really do want to go to.

suburburban · 03/03/2025 19:58

@Starry4321

The fact that you have to pay for everything when you visit her makes it even worse imo

She is being tight

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 20:03

bellocchild · 03/03/2025 17:14

You could say that X museum or restaurant looks as if it's expensive, and decide to take a packed lunch instead. Eating a sandwich in the car wouldn't be much fun.

I love a car picnic!

CKN · 03/03/2025 20:15

if I invite a family member for lunch I will always pay the bill. Likewise with an activity. Especially if it was my DM or MIL. Also if my DH wanted to pay for his DM I most certainly would not object as we all like to treat our parents occasionally. In fact I’d give anything to be able to enjoy going for lunch with my now late mother and cherish the moments we had days out. On saying that my DM treated my kids to days out lots of times so I suppose it was always give and take.

I’m wondering if OP makes these arrangements and her MIL just tags along as it’s been suggested or is there a joint discussion on it.

Ejulesd · 03/03/2025 20:36

We always pay for our in laws - just a generational thing I think.
I would probably choose free parks, museums etc instead to avoid an awkward confrontation

Sennelier1 · 03/03/2025 22:01

I would never feel comfortable if my children had to pay for me! After all, they have more expenses like raising their children, paying of their house - costs we also had when we were younger but not any more. We nearly always pay the bill whenever we go out with our adult children and their families, like restaurant, trip to the zoo, museum etc. unless they explicitely say that this one is on them - and then we accept that ánd say thank you. Our children also thank us every time we pay for a treet.

CharlotteCChapel · 03/03/2025 22:07

My kids are like this. OK when they were young, now they're working it would be nice if they'd at least offer to buy a drink. We took my DD ,DSiL and DGS for a meal on Saturday and we wouldn't ask them to pay for that.

When we go out with my dad we'll pay for drinks and he'll pay for the food.

Flossflower · 04/03/2025 00:40

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 15:27

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

We try to pay for our adult children and grandchildren. They are the ones with mortgages and children who cost money.

Fraaances · 04/03/2025 01:50

I’d tell her that if she wants to meet up then she will need to pay for herself. Otherwise she can come to yours, have a cup of tea and a boring sandwich like everyone else.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 04/03/2025 02:14

My mil does offer to pay for herself and my fil, but my husband 'babies' her, and likes to play Mr Flush; and tells her to put her purse away.

I don't mind treating people, but not as a rule.

She can drive, but my husband and his siblings have all decided that she's 'too tired to drive'.
So, my husband drives up and down the poxy motorway to pick them up whenever we go anywhere.
Wasting time and petrol.

I now refuse to give up my seat in the front, cos i get really travel sick, when i sit in the back of the car; which is brilliant when we're always going somewhere to eat.🙄
I won't do it anymore.

I've told him that he's not doing his mum any favours by treating her like she's made of glass.

So, he has acquiesced and realised i'm right.
Which is a bloody miracle!

MixedBananas · 04/03/2025 02:18

Go to free places. Library, park and playground, pkaygroups. Simple. Your making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Food you said you prep for her visit so why eat out? If she suggests something tell her point blsbk if it is free we are up for it.

Your 1 year old doesn't need to or care to go to paid restaurants and expensive outings.
As a child ky beat cherished menories were all the free stuff we did. Park, woodlands, playground etc etc etc.

middler · 04/03/2025 03:36

amele · 02/03/2025 20:16

This is why the western way is bizarre. If my mum or mil come out with us anywhere, best believe we are covering them. There's no way I would feel comfortable for them paying their share of the bill. My parents and parents in-laws, do offer to pay, but there's just no way we'll let them. They'll be times when they arrange something in advance and pay for it. I think it's a horrible mindset to have, to think ur parents should pay their way with their own children.

Yeah I am with you amele. I always paid everything when my mum came to stay for 3-5 weeks at a time. It would seem so odd to ask her to contribute, we were working she was on a pension and had less. I just have this sense you pay for the person in the family who has less than you and often parents are on a pension right so we insist on paying so my mum got used to that and knew we picked up the tab for her happily. I mean the in laws raised your husband right? I just think it's the norm that the working younger people pay for the older non working people in the family but it does not seem to be the norm on here. I would feel so weird expecting my mum to pay for herself once I got beyond 25 and i had a well paid job.

Flossflower · 04/03/2025 05:09

@amele @middler
Yes it is the western way that most people adhere to in the UK. Money tends to
be given downwards not the other way round.
You should always provide for your own children, not on the expectation that they will provide for you later. As I said earlier we always try to pay for our adult children and grandchildren. I expect they will try and pay for their own adult children and grandchildren when the time comes.