MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

@Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou - wow this hit a nerve!

I have written of this phenomenon here extensively in the past -

my MiL appeared one Christmas morning empty handed
with 3 young grandchildren !!! who had made her presents which she rubbished.

My own daughter now with a child has a MiL who arrives empty handed, it’s baffling thoughtless and ill mannered to us, something the empty handers think nothing of.

I appreciated the perplexed tone of your post though ha ha

You clearly have a DH that wasn't going to take any shite from his mother.

The OP doesn't appear to have that....yet....there is time for that situation to improve however.

Your MIL is tight and entitled. If she can't afford to go on outings, she should stop suggesting them. I am a MIL a few times over and there's no way I could bring myself to stand back and watch my adult children pay for me when I know they have mortgages/rent and young families to provide for. It's shameless and undignified.

I think for two or three visits you need to knuckle down and not do anything out of the home or free activities to make a point. Maybe in the holidays do your museum visits and things during the week and save up the period of nothingness for her visit. Still do fun stuff- but make it all free and just be really apologetic so she notices. Go to the park, but if you drive park a few streets away, "sorry about this but it saves the parking fees" , "we're not going to the cafe today for a cappuccino, I've bought a flask."

When you're all older I'm sure you'll let your sons pay for you!

I'm 'older' and still have more disposable income than my young working son who has crippling rent costs so no, I won't assume he will just pay for me!

Unfortunately we can’t visit MIL as the house has a lot of stuff that needs thrown away (hoarding issue) so it’s actually not safe for the kids to go there incase things fall on them etc. Shame as ifs a nice area etc. So when we visit we need to pay for a hotel and pay all our own food.

Do you think that your DH was a victim of parentification, i.e. he basically took on the role of parenting his mum from a young age? It sounds as though he sees her as his responsibility, to the extent of paying for everything. You mentioned that your DH and his siblings started paying for things as teenagers which isn't the norm.

I think you need to be blunt with DH and say the family entertainment budget is for you, him, kids and not mil. If he doesn’t want to ask mil to pay then he pays from his personal spends.
He’s basically stopping your children having days out by paying for mil out of that pot.
eg you have £50 a month. Just paying for your family and not buying food/coffee it may stretch to two trips out. If he’s subbing mil from that pot then it only covers 1 trip.
Why should you not be able to take them to soft play with a friend later in month etc because he’s spent the money on MIL.
Maybe switch to cash for fun money pot then it’s really obvious to him and MIL. So museum family ticket is £20 plus £8 adult, you put £20 cash out and leave him to pay £8 for mil if he wants to.

Weather is getting better. Stop having her to stay, offer to meet her somewhere half way, preferably a free park and say you are bringing X food and drink for a picnic, could she bring Y? or you go to her and lead by example - bring some daffs.

If your husband isn't prepared to have an uncomfortable discussion then if she ever brings it up, simply say that "you're sorry, you can't afford to host guests right now"

That only advantaged him though.

Him spending money now on his mother (unless it is only coming from his portion of the family money) is actually disadvantageous to you all. It's taking money away from you, the family funds and his kid(s).

He needs to wake up and see that.

So you pay either way? You're on a losing streak whichever way you spin it! She is taking massive liberties here.

Feck that for a game of soldiers!

Tell her that you're planning on visiting her on X date (give her time to get her house cleaned and decluttered) and you want to stay with her so she has to sort her house out. You can't afford to pay for hotels and meals every time you visit her. You now need to stay in her place for any visits.
If she cleans up so that you can stay, you stay with her.
If she doesn't, you get back in your car and drive home again.

You also don't extend a return invite to her until you are on an equal footing.

Time to play hardball with a woman like that.

This I feel..she has no shame..its a different world now unless you live under a rock you must know how difficult it is for young families. I would stop suggesting trips out and would wait till she suggests then say sorry we can't afford that and see what she says..its awkward though isn't it ? It is rude to turn up to someone's house empty handed ...it just is. I would scale back the effort you are making on arrival.

My DH has said he can use his own money to cover MILs part.
This is the problem. He doesn’t use his personal money to top up your joint account for what is spent on her when she visits.

So he’s basically doing exactly what she does when she offers to repay what has been spent on her later, but doesn’t.

As your finances with DH are split I would take him up on all of MILs expenses coming out of his pot only.

Then only raise again if DH being left out of pocket directly affects you, the home or DC ie. He says you can't afford something and then ask if you could if it were not for his mother's visits, and then if he really thinks it right you go without because of them.

I get this doesn't quite solve it but you must overwise just grin and bear it or it will be your relationship, home and peace that suffers, not hers.

I think there is another issue as well that you need to look at if your family finances are so tight but your DH has additional money that you want him to pay for his mother from. If your family finances are so tight you are constantly scrimping and saving he needs to put more in the pot.

Just read up to see she’s hoarding to extent house unsafe. That is very close to home as my mil is same. She also would expect to be treated eg bought coffee and driven around. It’s a princess like mentality. My dh finds it very hard to deal with and just really limits contact. It’s really hard to describe but she just expects it and places great store on being paid for eg she’d gush my son is taking me out, or say to me I hope he’s taking you somewhere nice. Dh married me total opposite if I want something or to go somewhere I’ll just do it. It’s very hard to wrap your head around total opposite to yourself. My mum and late grandma would never turn up empty handed, small things like daffodils you mentioned are them to a tee. So that’s what I was used to. Whereas mil total opposite view, she’s a guest coming to be treated and wouldn’t dream of bringing something. I think you need to be firm with dh as she won’t change.

I think if she's not going to contribute and keeps visiting I'd think ahead for weekends she comes and plan and budget accordingly.

Plan free activities for that weekend e.g. parks or free museums. If she suggests something that costs money just say you've got the weekend planned.

If she drinks loads of coffee get a cheaper one to make it affordable.

Take toddler snacks on outings, eat at home and save meals out for weekends when she's not there or special occasions only.

If she's visiting regularly to see the family she can't expect to be treated every time she visits.

Weirdly my mum is also a hoarder and thinks she is very poor (she isn't). She always expects people to buy and do things for her. I didn't realise there could be a link. But my mum also has other complex mental health issues alongside hoarding.

if she drinks loads of coffee get a cheaper one to make it more affordable

I like this idea! You could do the same with food: fig rolls all the way! Years ago, my friend's partner used to have an alcoholic aunt who used to visit and drink the place dry, so my friend bought in a job lot of really cheap wine and hid all the good stuff.

It's the same idea as having teenagers with very hungry friends and buying loads of bread for endless toast to keep costs down when they visit.

We were really careful on days out when the kids were younger-free museums, country parks/woods with a picnic or we used Tesco Clubcard vouchers for a few nicer bits and the odd Pizza Express!

If she is wanting to do things that cost, how is that being brought up? You need to nip it in the bud at that point when discussing plans. Make it clear that the budget is tight now so it's got to be cheaper things.

I sympathise,but it is your DH’s mother so you do need to take account of his feelings
I am sorry but buying cheap coffee rather than letting her have the good stuff just seems really tight

My PIL are just the same, I just tend to avoid those outings to make it cheaper for my other half and not sure I agree with it, as they have money and manage to drive around in a brand new bmw! Fortunately these outings seem to happen less and less.

'Sorry not in the budget this weekend' became my stock response when MIL visited and expected to be treated to a holiday like experience every time. She flew to us (1hr flight) back when flights were £20 return and always at inconvenient times for us to be available to collect her from the airport, ensuring annual leave was needed for the Friday and Monday as opposed to just one day. We always had in her favourite foods, alcohol of choice etc. She would suggest afternoon teas at £45 a head (us, a teen, a child and a baby at that point), tickets to the theatre, special exhibitions at local museums that are otherwise free but ticketed for the event, days out involved train and taxi to local city etc as our car only had five seats or car hire. She would suggest day trips to 'local' tourist destinations such as St Ives (2.5hrs away!) and never put her hand in her pocket. This was vaguely tolerable pre DC3 but with reduced income and increased nursery fees looming we had to tighten our belts and that's when 'Sorry not in the budget this weekend' came in to play. Not once did she say that's ok, I will pay.