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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

263 replies

Starry4321 · 02/03/2025 18:19

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

OP posts:
DrunkOnYourAwe · 03/03/2025 14:20

Motheranddaughter · 03/03/2025 13:36

I sympathise,but it is your DH’s mother so you do need to take account of his feelings
I am sorry but buying cheap coffee rather than letting her have the good stuff just seems really tight

It was just an example of how you could reduce the overall costs of visits along with reducing trips out etc. If OP is on a budget looking at costs that add up and adjusting seems sensible. Coffee may not be a big expense but there might be other things like that OP could adjust to make things affordable. It's not being tight if it's adding stress to the budget and visits are becoming expensive. E.g. if you're not a big coffee drinker but someone regularly comes and drinks all of what you budgeted for a while you could get 'everyday' coffee.

WeaselsRising · 03/03/2025 15:00

My mum does this. It was particularly frustrating when I had a buy one get one free to an attraction, asked for tickets for me and Dd then got "and a pensioner" from her. Her ticket cost more than our combined one did and the only reason I had gone there was because the offer made it affordable.

She tends to just take a step back when we pay for admissions or coffee, yet usually we've also had to drive her as well. Last big trip we all went on we made a toilet stop and she asked if we were having another drink. I'd paid for Starbucks and cake at the previous stop so just told her that I couldn't afford it. She didn't offer to pay...

Sulu17 · 03/03/2025 15:07

Maybe these women somehow think they're owed something by their children?

Fibrous · 03/03/2025 15:15

If money is tight your DP needs to be open about expectations, if you’re both on the same page.

In my family we’re very up front about these things. It’s waxed and waned who’s paid for stuff over the years but now whenever I visit my dad I remind him he and he wife are minted compared to the rest of us due to inherited wealth so they can cough up for dinner.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/03/2025 15:20

My mum does this. It was particularly frustrating when I had a buy one get one free to an attraction, asked for tickets for me and Dd then got "and a pensioner" from her. Her ticket cost more than our combined one did and the only reason I had gone there was because the offer made it affordable.

And you paid for her ticket?! I would have just paid for me and my child if she had form of doing this.

Cakeandusername · 03/03/2025 15:24

It starts grating when it’s every time.
So on the face of it not buying the nice coffee seems petty but if it’s always Op buying it soon grates. That £8 jar of coffee MIL blasts through is potentially an outing for OP’s toddler so I can understand her pause buying it in the supermarket.
I had a relative who moaned they even had to take tea bags when visiting an adult child. Apparently they didn’t drink tea. On face of it you think why wouldn’t they just get a few tea bags. But another relative complained to me that relative always hung back and never got coffees/lunch etc so maybe it was a bit of a protest from the adult child.
Maybe run out of coffee next visit.

Mnetcurious · 03/03/2025 15:24

You need to start being less polite and more firm about it. Eg at the museum you could have said “you go first to buy your ticket MIL” when you got to the front of the queue. Or at the cafe “how shall we split the bill - 50/50 or just pay for what we had?” Or when the waiter comes over “can I just pay the £25 for the two sandwiches and coffees please”.

Really you need to talk to your husband and make him realise how much it annoys you because you both need the money for the children, so that he talks to his mum about it. Tell him that if he doesn’t then you’ll just start being more obvious about it when she’s with you, eg “sorry MIL we can’t afford 3 adult tickets so could you pay for your own”.

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 15:27

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/03/2025 15:30

Motheranddaughter · 03/03/2025 13:36

I sympathise,but it is your DH’s mother so you do need to take account of his feelings
I am sorry but buying cheap coffee rather than letting her have the good stuff just seems really tight

Not as tight as her MIL who doesn't pay for anything. OP and her DH are on a tight budget and OP can't afford to keep subsidising her freeloading MIL.

SouthernTip · 03/03/2025 15:30

My DM & DF are the same, no real excuses other than they are tight.

I think they think nobody notices.

Fibrous · 03/03/2025 15:32

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 15:27

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

Would you expect your kids to pay for you when they’re older, even if they are struggling financially and you’re well off?

Lentilweaver · 03/03/2025 15:33

I still want to know if there are any posters in intercultural marriages with Asian/Arab people and how they handle fights over the bill.😀 The fights being people fighting to pay the bill.

Mnetcurious · 03/03/2025 15:38

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 15:27

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

Because it’s their parental responsibility! They chose to have children, you didn’t ask to be born. My kids are still in secondary school and so far they’ve cost us many many thousands over the years, with more still to come. Do I think they owe me anything? No.

I’m grateful for everything my parents gave me over the years but I don’t think I owe them because they paid for everything when I was a kid, that’s just weird.

Normallynumb · 03/03/2025 15:43

YANBU I have 3 adult DS's and it's my pleasure to treat them when we meet up, same if they had DC
I do let them pay for me on my Birthday and Mother's Day

TorroFerney · 03/03/2025 15:50

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 15:27

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

Well obviously they did as they chose to go ahead with a pregnancy that resulted in a child. With that goes paying for the child.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/03/2025 15:53

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 15:27

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

What an odd way to look at things!

You have children so they can pay for you when you get a bit older?!

Lentilweaver · 03/03/2025 15:59

Shinyandnew1 · 03/03/2025 15:53

What an odd way to look at things!

You have children so they can pay for you when you get a bit older?!

Show quote history

May well be odd for the UK but literally billions of people across the world do this. And no, that's not why they had children. But it is the global majority view.

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 16:10

No, but our parents made big sacrifices for us as kids. We wouldn't have the successful careers we have now if it wasn't for the help they gave us. I can't imagine going to a museum and not buying my mum her ticket.

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 16:12

And as far as my own children go, I didn't have them to support me, but I do spend a lot of money on them and the idea that they'll one day begrudge me a cup of decent coffee would be very sad.

Lentilweaver · 03/03/2025 16:14

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 16:10

No, but our parents made big sacrifices for us as kids. We wouldn't have the successful careers we have now if it wasn't for the help they gave us. I can't imagine going to a museum and not buying my mum her ticket.

Me neither. It's hardly a diamond ring.
I also don't identify with the," Well I didn't ask to be born" warcry. It's an alien Western sentiment for me and many others.

Y2KCompliant · 03/03/2025 16:52

Lentilweaver · 03/03/2025 16:14

Me neither. It's hardly a diamond ring.
I also don't identify with the," Well I didn't ask to be born" warcry. It's an alien Western sentiment for me and many others.

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Lol I would actually buy my mum a diamond ring if I could afford it. She's given me so much support over the years that I'd do absolutely anything for her :)

Mnetcurious · 03/03/2025 17:00

Y2KCompliant · 03/03/2025 16:52

Lol I would actually buy my mum a diamond ring if I could afford it. She's given me so much support over the years that I'd do absolutely anything for her :)

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“If I could afford it” is the relevant part - op and husband can’t afford to pay for everything when they go out with MIL, but she expects them to.

Mnetcurious · 03/03/2025 17:07

caffelattetogo · 03/03/2025 16:12

And as far as my own children go, I didn't have them to support me, but I do spend a lot of money on them and the idea that they'll one day begrudge me a cup of decent coffee would be very sad.

Op has said/implied she wouldn’t begrudge buying all the coffee that her mil drinks if she made even the smallest gesture of appreciation or giving something back.

Would you go and stay with your adult children, who have young children of their own and are feeling that money is tight, and expect them to pay for everything while you’re there, including entrance fees for all activities and all eating out?
I would (and do) happily pay for things for my parents and in-laws, eg treating them to a meal out - the difference with the op is that it’s reciprocated and not an expectation.

Fibrous · 03/03/2025 17:08

I think the issue is subsequent generations have been wealthier than their forebears except for now. This is the first time in the UK we are poorer than the previous generation. That is certainly the case in my family, despite my good education and employment record. The boomer wealth is a lot to be reckoned with. My father and his wife were both retired by early fifties and haven’t got any education past school but are sitting on more money than me and my four siblings put together. They got lucky with property values and pensions. So I absolutely let them pay for things if I get the chance. But they’re tighter than a ducks arse and believe we fritter all our money away on holidays and avocados. Admittedly I do like avocados but last had a holiday, to wales and off season, two years ago.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/03/2025 17:10

Lentilweaver · 03/03/2025 16:14

Me neither. It's hardly a diamond ring.
I also don't identify with the," Well I didn't ask to be born" warcry. It's an alien Western sentiment for me and many others.

Show quote history

For a while in the UK, each subsequent generation was better off than the previous ones. That trend has now reversed and lots of older people have far more assets and much more disposable income than their adult children who cannot afford to constantly treat their parents.