My wife is very jealous of me

[Herpassions]

I am male, I hope it is okay to post here.

We have young children, leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now.

The jealousy is not about other women, she knows I’m faithful. It is that I have had a more privileged background, she thinks I have led a charmed life, that is not true, she just can’t see clearly I think.

My wife has been far worse since the birth of our second child, but the problem was there before, since about a year after we got together. Maybe it didn’t get worse, it might be the stresses of a baby have left her less able to keep it under wraps.

She is unhappy about anything nice that happens to me. She hates that I earn more than her, although I use my income to support our family. She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit when she has not been able before children to like the idea of working out. She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries, she believes I am outshining her, I am just taking care of myself to a reasonable standard, nothing too crazy, and she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. She especially hates me socialising, not that I have since the baby was born anyway.

She has had therapy, it does not seem to have made the blindest bit of difference, perhaps things were even worse, I’m not even sure she used that time to talk about this particular issue, she is not very obviously remorseful about it. Seems to think it’s not that big.

I know she loves me and is a good mother. What can we do to get over this? We have a lovely little family and I don’t want to give up on us.

Why is she jealous to the detriment of how our family works as a whole, I don’t know what all this is about. I haven’t heard of a woman jealous of her own husband in this way. I’m at a loss what to do next.

She sounds very tiresome and not liking you socialising is borderline abusive.

Did she give up work when she had the kids?

Does she hate it when you look after your children so she can go to the gym/visit friends/have a spa day?

Does she hate it when you batch cook for the week?

Does she hate it when you clean the house regularly, without being asked?

You need to give us the full picture here.

She has always kept her job, because she wanted to, she is vey ambitious and I support her in this.

It’s not every man that absents himself from caring for his family. I take pride in this. We have always been 50/50 on that, and since the birth of our new baby, I do the majority of the housework since our baby was born. My wife has never had a complaint on this front, we have more than enough other problems.

Eyesopenwideawake · Today 17:29

Does she hate it when you look after your children so she can go to the gym/visit friends/have a spa day?
Does she hate it when you batch cook for the week?
Does she hate it when you clean the house regularly, without being asked?
You need to give us the full picture here.

Stereotypes, much.

I would guess she’s depressed and feels like you’ve got your life back more after having kids than she has. It takes a much heavier toll on women. Maybe she’s just realised how unfair things are to women generally and how disempowered mothers are, as a class. Men seem more free in terms of protecting their own ambitions / hobbies / ability to pop out somewhere . Women are tied to the hearth much more than men by social convention. Whenever in the media a woman climbs a mountain or goes yachting round the world there’s always a big fuss made and lots of handwringing ‘won’t someone think of the children’, whereas men see to be able to do these things. Men often take less of the mental load .

And I’m not saying this is your fault and that you’re not doing your best, but social convention and conditioning is hard to get away from. The families on both sides may have secret expectations about the female role that they don’t necessarily voice but are felt clearly nonetheless

I think you approach this with empathy, she is obviously feeling awful about herself to feel jealous of your self care. I would focus on maybe booking a personal trainer that comes to the house or holistic classes. Take her shopping. Make her feel special.

Organise a social life together. Get a babysitter and start having fun.

If her family are unkind to her, watching your lovely family really will be agony for her.

Be understanding, whilst also carrying on looking after yourself. Help her and talk it through. You said she loves you, can you list all the ways she does this?

I would also add childbirth, pregnancy and mother hood is extremely tough on all mothers. Your body, responsibilities and peace of mind alters forever. Maybe you seem carefree and she would love to be that way.

She sounds depressed but that doesn’t mean she’s not unreasonable.

Depression is awful but when suffering you need to seek help.

I personally couldn’t be in a relationship like you describe so I’d say that you need to explore some joint counselling or part ways.

If your post is a fair representation of facts (and nothing suggests it’s not) then you need things to change or she’ll erode your self esteem. The constant sniping and criticism is absolutely toxic to a relationship.

Would you consider trying couples' counselling? It sounds as though she is unable or unwilling to understand how often she criticizes you for what sound like perfectly normal choices you make. It might be good for you to be able to express this with a neutral person who can help to mediate, making sure that both of you have your voices properly heard. It isn't healthy for her to want you to stop taking care of your fitness and your appearance, just because she feels bad about her own. This dynamic isn't a good example for your children, either, and they may start to feel uncomfortable at home if mum is always having a go at dad about something. Don't be a martyr to her discontentment. She needs to engage with some kind of treatment, which should include recognising the problem. Otherwise, sadly, you will need to ask yourself whether staying in the relationship is the best thing for yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position, OP. I hope things improve for you.

I agree with joint therapy. Maybe pick up the threads of a social life for herself. If she's on maternity leave it can be a hard slog through the winter and very lonely.

It could be depression or lack of self esteem.

On here, women can do no wrong when it's a man posting, despite loads of threads from women complaining about their female friends.

Some people are born with a jealous bone, she might be that kind of person.

I am trying everything I can to relieve as many burdens from her as possible, I anticipate a lot and do not wait to be asked. I also ask her if there’s anything in particular she might like. I try to make nice dinners and keep a clean and pleasant home. Sitting down to dinner together if baby is asleep, this is the time some of these criticisms come up.

I get that being a breastfeeding mum with lost sleep is hard, I don’t get why she wants to direct hate at her only supporter. There is a lot of simmering bitterness and rage.

She does not want anymore therapy of any kind.

I wonder if she sees me as a bit of a doormat and feels it is safe to unleash on me things that are not my fault and that I am trying to care for her through.

You sound very self absorbed. Maybe that’s what she picking up on rather than being jealous

I will suggest this. Thank you.

How on earth do you get to that conclusion?! Giving your perspective is not the same as being self absorbed

You sound thoughtful to me, OP

lnks · Today 18:11

You sound very self absorbed. Maybe that’s what she picking up on rather than being jealous

Don’t get that at all. Sounds like a man wanting to help his wife as much as he can but not knowing how.

Not every man is an arsehole (though quite a few MNs seem to think that’s the case.)

My abusive XH also used to say that "I was lashing out at him because he was the one who was closer". No, I was lashing out because my life was shit and he kept his identity, his job, his adult life. The world may be a horrible place for mothers, and men get a much better deal. If you acknowledge that openly, it may be a good start.

What? No he doesn't.

does she have relationship OCD?

I think you should consider that she is emotionally abusing you.
It sounds like she is treating you as a scapegoat for all her unhappiness/issues.

OP if everything you’re saying is true then you sound great and I’m sorry you’re going through this