My wife is very jealous of me

[Herpassions]

I am male, I hope it is okay to post here.

We have young children, leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now.

The jealousy is not about other women, she knows I’m faithful. It is that I have had a more privileged background, she thinks I have led a charmed life, that is not true, she just can’t see clearly I think.

My wife has been far worse since the birth of our second child, but the problem was there before, since about a year after we got together. Maybe it didn’t get worse, it might be the stresses of a baby have left her less able to keep it under wraps.

She is unhappy about anything nice that happens to me. She hates that I earn more than her, although I use my income to support our family. She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit when she has not been able before children to like the idea of working out. She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries, she believes I am outshining her, I am just taking care of myself to a reasonable standard, nothing too crazy, and she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. She especially hates me socialising, not that I have since the baby was born anyway.

She has had therapy, it does not seem to have made the blindest bit of difference, perhaps things were even worse, I’m not even sure she used that time to talk about this particular issue, she is not very obviously remorseful about it. Seems to think it’s not that big.

I know she loves me and is a good mother. What can we do to get over this? We have a lovely little family and I don’t want to give up on us.

Why is she jealous to the detriment of how our family works as a whole, I don’t know what all this is about. I haven’t heard of a woman jealous of her own husband in this way. I’m at a loss what to do next.

Wow. I don't normally entirely agree that MN has double standards when responding to posts by men and by women, but it's certainly in evidence on this thread. People are just inventing reasons the OP is unreasonable, out of thin air - it's wild!

The OP has already patiently explained what he does for his family. If you're not going to take his post at face value,why even bother responding?

OP - your wife sounds totally unreasonable. Did she come from a very difficult background, or just one that wasn't as nice as yours?

In what way? Are you just jumping to that conclusion because OP is a man?

You won't like to read this but anyone that resents you in this way is just a thoroughly nasty person.

Problem is, I think a lot of men would write this sort of post , from their perspective. Parenting is hard but motherhood is harder. I’m sure it feels like you’re doing loads and being pretty wonderful. But standards for men are much lower. They tend to get an inordinate amount of praise for doing not much. Mothers get judged and pilloried for everything and are societally expected to always end up holding the baby. I’m therefore loath to judge another mother on the say so of a man. Sorrynotsorry

I believe she is like this because she can't actually fault you and therefore is deeply resentful and hopes that by being a nasty piece of work you will retaliate and she will then pounce and accuse you of all sorts.

I also think you should evaluate whether she is emotionally abusing you.

I would also be very very worried that she will soon come to resent your children having a happy childhood. If she is emotionally unable to come to terms with her own childhood, the she is at risk of being doomed to repeat it.

How does her jealousy manifest itself?

OP you'll.get a lot of man bashing posts. It's the par.

Personally Imo your pandering is making her worse. Id be telling her a few home truths and that you're not going to accept her chipping away at your self esteem anymore. That if she's that unhappy then do something about it.

You can't change your upbringing so you don't want to hear it from her.

The stuff about the looks / gym / socialising leaps out. Is she very upset about how she looks post baby? Can you make her feel better about that maybe? Is she worried about you having an affair, perhaps based on previous experiences rather than you actually doing anything like that?

I think she’s just a horrible person. She didn’t ever like you socialising? That’s a red flag in itself.

Could she be very insecure and fear you doing anything nice it getting anything nice risks her losing you?

she is not very obviously remorseful about it - I do find the word remorseful a bit disturbing.

No-one should be expected to be remorseful about their feelings - we feel what we feel.

She is finding it hard to settle down as a mother of 2 and deal with all the changes this brings to her life. I think you need to be empathetic rather than resentful, which is what comes across to me.

leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now. - but you would not say "right now" if you did not see it as an option further down the line.

she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. - income is no use if she does not have the possibility of doing anything because of the logistics or if she had lost confidence.

You need to be pro-active - offer to have the chidlren while she goes out, ask her what she would like to do. You are assuming jealousy when in fact it might really be something else entirely. Maybe her unhappiness is because she sees you doing stuff and she is feeling too low in her mood to be able to do these things without support and help at this stage.

I honestly get the feeling from your posts that you are looking for a reason to bail. Maybe she picks that up too.

Why are so many men on here lately, complaining about their wives?????? Is there no such thing as dadsnet?

And that is not a man bashing post - it is just what is coming across.

Yes I'm waiting for "this is an arranged marriage" BS.

do you give her time to go shopping for herself, out to the gym and to socialise?

Presumably she frequently tells OP that she hates that he earns more than her, has a good relationship with his parents, keeps fit, buys nice clothes and has a social life. These are not reasonable things to say to a spouse; in fact, they’re downright nasty. Why shouldn’t she feel remorse for doing so?

How old is your baby?

Did you read his posts?

Try again and assume they're true

If you are that bothered, try reporting the thread.

Sorry but this screams like a narcassist. .
That's what I’d be saying if you were a women posting .

You have to make it clear she either changes or you leave . This will chip away at your self esteem.
Maybe you can have Counseling to understand why she does it. Not to be more sympathetic but to give you an outlet for yourself .
Maybe this will help you make a decision on your marriage .

This is shocking advice . If you were a women posting you would be getting tolD how awful your dh was .
Anyone who has been in a Relationship with someone who can’t be happy for their partner because they are in Constant competition with them knows how horrible it is .
This is a dw problem not a you problem @Herpassions

So her lack of confidence means she has to ruin another person.? Seriously .
No she sorts herself out or risks loosing her marriage .
No person should put up with this it’s horrible .

I think you might be replying to the wrong person.

I was jealous of my husband when my kids were young. Felt as though I was in prison and he was free. What helped was my DH telling me how much he valued what I was doing (noticing and being specific), both inside the home and outside. My self esteem took a huge hut and he helped build it back up.

OP my dh is very hands on in the house, he does childcare, he does most of the cooking and cleaning. he would say we are 50/50 and so would anyone looking in, I certainly get more support than any other mum I know.
But he gets a full 8 hours sleep a night, he exercises and I can’t, he eats his meals in peace whilst I feed our dc and try to shove mouthfuls in between. He goes the toilet when he wants, eats when he wants, leaves the house when he wants. I do all those things only around naps, and meal times and breastfeeding and getting two kids settled. When he cleans the house he just cleans the house, I do it whilst trying to entertain and keep safe 2 very young dc.
I am always fitting in and trying to do what’s best for our dc and he doesn’t really have to worry.
He also doesn’t have 2st to shift after having our dc or long lasting damage from pregnancy and childbirth, and his career hasn’t taken a massive hit.
He also gets admiring looks and tons of praise for everything he does, whilst any ‘problems’ are blamed on me, and I’m often criticised (by wider family).
He doesn’t really see most of this.

It’s hard not to occasionally be resentful. I am not rude to him and I’m not unhappy, but I imagine if I had some sort of ppa/ppd (im not saying this is what your wife has but worth a thought) and or family issues (no close family support??) or some deep insecurity (you said you’re not looking to leave her right now. But you’re open to it and what happens to her then? Or maybe her body and how she looks or something else) and if your scales are tipped more towards you in other ways too, that might not be as easy.

obviously she might just be being abusive as others have said, I suppose only you know