My wife is very jealous of me

[Herpassions]

I am male, I hope it is okay to post here.

We have young children, leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now.

The jealousy is not about other women, she knows I’m faithful. It is that I have had a more privileged background, she thinks I have led a charmed life, that is not true, she just can’t see clearly I think.

My wife has been far worse since the birth of our second child, but the problem was there before, since about a year after we got together. Maybe it didn’t get worse, it might be the stresses of a baby have left her less able to keep it under wraps.

She is unhappy about anything nice that happens to me. She hates that I earn more than her, although I use my income to support our family. She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit when she has not been able before children to like the idea of working out. She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries, she believes I am outshining her, I am just taking care of myself to a reasonable standard, nothing too crazy, and she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. She especially hates me socialising, not that I have since the baby was born anyway.

She has had therapy, it does not seem to have made the blindest bit of difference, perhaps things were even worse, I’m not even sure she used that time to talk about this particular issue, she is not very obviously remorseful about it. Seems to think it’s not that big.

I know she loves me and is a good mother. What can we do to get over this? We have a lovely little family and I don’t want to give up on us.

Why is she jealous to the detriment of how our family works as a whole, I don’t know what all this is about. I haven’t heard of a woman jealous of her own husband in this way. I’m at a loss what to do next.

It sounds like she is some piece of work. I would begin to line up the ducks and dump her as soon as possible. I know that it is easier said and done, especially when children are involved. However, life is too short and there are millions of wonderful women that would respect you and love you like you deserve.

Don’t be ridiculous. This is a baseless attack on an OP and it makes you look very foolish.

OP, can you be more specific about her actual behaviour. Right now, you are kind of declaring what she feels and thinks (jealous...hates that...). You may be right but it's hard to tell.

What does she actually say and do? What are some examples? That would make it easier to understand what's actually happening, versus your interpretation of her feelings.

It is quite common for hidden jealousies and resentment to bubble up, especially if you’ve had a more privileged upbringing and more cohesive family than hers. But that doesn’t give her the right to beat you down with it. Some people just have a more privileged life than others, it’s not their fault. I would make clear to your wife that it’s not okay to punish you for things that are outside of your control. You treat her well, you have a lovely family together and she should value and cherish that. If she doesn’t and continues to cut you down due to things about your family, success etc then your relationship won’t work and your children will suffer. She needs to understand this and evolve

My wife and I have talked this through several times. She openly says she is upset by the nice experiences I’ve had in my life, she has admitted she is jealous. She has said to me that she believes my life should have been hers.
She believes I have won some sort of natures lottery in too many ways and that she has been deprived of that sort of luck.

I think my mood of trying to get through this time with a smile and energy seriously gets on her nerves, because she does not have that disposition even before the kids.

She has boldly said to me what I have detailed in my posts. She is not backward in coming forward. I believe there might be something wrong mentally but I don’t know what it is. A number of her family are in prison. She has no contact with any of them because it was too toxic for her.

It has got so bad that I try not to tell her the good things that have happened, like having a great day at the office like when someone brought in their beautiful dog and everyone fell in love with him, and that the dog took to me out of everyone and didn’t leave my side the whole day.

What makes her happy. A meal out, the cinema, theatre. A spa day, shopping with a friend or something else?

It's hard OP, because with your update it sounds like she is undervaluing all the work you've put in to get to where you are and that must feel pretty shitty. Saying someone just had luck with their achievements shows that they don't really think much of their capabilities.

It sounds like there is some deep trauma there. I know you mentioned she's been having some counselling - maybe not with the right therapist? You say you have kids - how is she with them generally? You'll need to help her nip this in the bud before those comments start impacting them otherwise it can turn a little toxic. Would you say this has reached another level since she gave birth? There could be some PPD there too.

Ultimately, you must love her loads despite all this as you've made the decision to have children with her. If you feel that love is strong enough then you will need to steer her in the direction of getting support for her MH. Maybe counselling isn't enough - maybe a combination of things. Maybe she needs psychiatric help and or medication.

Don't bottle it up, you will end up resenting her and that's not great for you and the kids.

Happiness comes from within, but to be jealous of her own husband and admit it is something else.

If counselling doesn't help, you'll have to rethink. She'll be jealous of the kids next.

Hahaha the responses here. Wife is hateful, spiteful and blames op for things way outside their control, but because it's Mumsnet suggestions involve spa days and cinema trips 😂

Op leave this awful woman. Nasty embittered people don't suddenly snap out of it. They get worse and worse, slowly dragging everybody else down with them. You cannot continue to stay with her, you can't even tell her about your day unless you say something negative. It's awful. She wants you to be as unhappy as she is.

It's not your job to fix this. I grew up poor and my family that I was closest too have passed, I don't talk much to my siblings and my mother etc. anyway my partner's family he is very close with and I love that he has them, I love that I now have them by extension, I love that he grew up with all the privileges I didn't. I'm glad he was never afraid or hungry as a child.

I think you need to leave. She can't be mended. You owe it to your children to offer a home that is emotionally stable, she isn't capable of that, clearly.

Bloody hell.

She's breastfeeding with young children. She's down. Her life has changed. You're in the trenches, a bit of patience wouldn't go amiss. She has it harder than you, and is struggling.

She has a crappy family background and you think she's jealous? Instead of down that she doesn't have that when she needs it most?

Get over yourself and support her now she needs you.

I'm gutted a primarily female forum is answering this way...

A number of her family are in prison. She has no contact with any of them because it was too toxic for her.

Wow, that's tough! Did she see you as her rescuer? It seems fair to say you have rescued her in the sense of helping to realise a stable, comfortable and uncomplicated family life. But the wounds of a toxic childhood go very deep, bleeding over everything.

She has every reason to be envious of your background, hasn't she? Envy's a tricky thing: play your cards right and it can lead you to embrace what you desire, but it more readily turns to jealousy, which, as you know, can poison all the good that comes into your life.

Most crime is underpinned by a sense of thwarted entitlement. When a child grows up amongst people who feel (broadly) short-changed by the world and resentful, she could naturally internalise angry feelings of 'not having'. She may learn that she must take whatever she needs, however she can get it. If she's lucky, she might also see that this is not the only way to do things: other people colour within the lines and they're okay; they're safe and not always looking over their shoulder.

Children of toxic families inescapably learn toxic values. When we succeed in enacting a saner future for ourselves, we find we're in conflict with ourselves. No-one gets a second chance at childhood: we are the creations of our families; that can't be helped. It takes courage to choose a different pathway. As we move along our new path, we learn healthier skills and attitudes but we are also fighting our internal values.

It might be interesting to start some low-key conversations along these lines. Your wife's done amazingly well to forge her successful career (honestly, I presume!), to build a lovely relationship with you and to bring into the world two children who will benefit from security, love and stability. Really, really well.

The kid she once was may still be snarling in the deeper recesses of her mind - perhaps even feeling thwarted entitlement to the life she now has, in reality, as an adult! (Our unconscious minds are not known for their rationality.)

Realistically, this isn't something people can do by themselves or that can be gifted by a partner. There is a lot you can each do, though. Whether or not I've got this somewhat right so far, you are describing a young woman at war with herself in some way. I hope you can explore this safely together.

As you move towards a more harmonious family life, a better therapist might be a good idea (you don't have therapy, by the way, you do it if it's going to be any good). Additionally or alternatively, there will be sensible books to help understand and address the issues you discover.

I actually call bs from the op now.

That crap about the dog falling in love with you and wanting to be with you all day?

I think you're disturbing af.

often people struggle with naming their emotions. Often when people get upset at people doing things, such as

She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit, She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries

It's because they don't feel they can do the same themselves but want to and feel that's unfair

Whether that's a job of explaining and helping the wife put her own oxygen mask on first as she never learnt it from her family only op will know.

Cross-posted with a couple of others, reminding me that I missed out my paragraph saying you can't actually be a partner's therapist and shouldn't even try! Some people can't or won't resolve their issues. But you can certainly support them as strongly as possible while they figure it out.

If they can't or won't, then you have to reconsider your commitment. Unwise to make any big moves while still coping with fractured sleep, non-stop demands for attention and assorted goo all over the place, though. The baby/toddler phase strains even the best of relationships.

I’m with her because I want to be close to my children, 50/50 is not satisfactory. Now also the concern of how it would affect the children if she had them alone.

My life wasn’t like this in our early days, she was loving and seemed to very happy for me. It seems the real person is the one that came out later.

I believe she would be a bully given the chance, because of her rage bubbling just under the surface. She wants to be a good mother and she is. But I don’t know how genuine that is or how long it will last, our son is 3 and our baby is 4 months. She likes the lifestyle picture of married-kids-husband with a good job.
It may be that considering the criminality in her family, she might have slight sociopathic tendencies that present differently in women,

I try to dismiss these thoughts and get on with looking after my children, but her mindset is troubling to me.

I know you can't change her past and I'm sure you have told her so (in a very nice loving way, I'm not suggesting you snapped). How does she react when you say you can't change her past but want nothing more than to give her the best present and future you possibly can?

You've mentioned that your wife has had therapy, but it didn't help... Perhaps it wasn't the right sort? Perhaps she didn't gel with her therapist? Might she have PND? I find your latest update quite disturbing - what is the family link that makes you consider she has sociopathic tendencies? That's quite a leap.

As always, the most important people in this situation are your children. They need to feel loved, supported, well looked after and safe. Whatever lies ahead for you and your wife, they have to be your priority. If you staying together and working things out is best, that's what you collectively need to work on. If you're suggesting that there is any possibility of them not being looked after properly, that's a whole other thing. But absolutely all avenues need to be explored with your relationship first (while ensuring the children's safety). I think we've all borne witness to parents (male and female) being grossly unfairly accused as being incapable parents in real life or in the media, when sometimes it's completely unfounded.

Best of luck OP - it's a tricky situation in which I can see multiple 'sides', including yours. It sounds like you're doing what you can in terms of household load.

It sounds hard. Is it possible she has some past trauma ingrained in her and she may not have come to terms with it. Maybe if you sought guidance from a therapist, it may help and they can advise of ways to persuade your wife to get additional support.

I think if my H was feeling miserable and jealous all the time, it would wear me down and I would likely think about ending things if all these avenues didn’t work - talking, support, therapy, getting checked out medically (does your wife have a MH issue?).

There is only one life we lead, I wouldn’t allow myself to be on eggshells as an adult and be a punching bag - a relationship is a two-way street. (I grew up with abusive parents but it made me independent and ambitious to get out and make my own life).

I feel like I’m reading a completely different post to everyone else! There seams to be something really off about the way this man is talking about his wife. It’s like he’s this really special gifted, blessed and attractive person who even the visiting dog couldn’t resist and wanted to stay with all day and is wife is so jealous of him. It just doesn’t ring true. I really think he is being disingenuous.

You say you do your share of the house work - do you do your share of the child care? Do you wake at night to feed the baby? Do you mind the children alone and give her a break?

Honestly I have felt like I was on the edge of sanity on a number of occasions when I had a small baby due to the sleep deprivation and the feeling that you no longer have any moments alone without another person climbing on you or being attached and when my partner did take over he would keep coming to me and bombard me with questions “where are her clothes, how much should I feed her, has she had a nap…” (he still does) and you do just feel like you are no longer allowed to just be in your own skin, in your own head without anyone else needing you or asking you things. I would make sure time off is equal - if you go to the gym on a Saturday morning she should get Sunday morning to herself, uninterrupted by child or partner - we all need it for our mental health. If she does the night feeds and bedtimes on a Monday you should do them on the Tuesday!

You've gone very quickly from she's jealous to she's a sociopath there.
Is she on mat leave with the 4 month old? I'd struggle not to be jealous of my other half if I was someone who really enjoyed my career but was off work looking after a tiny baby all day, breastfeeding so not feeling like my body was my own.

Maybe her father ensured that she had a good childhood.

How about getting a babysitter so you and your wife can go to the gym together and maybe build up her confidence. Do you buy her things while you make your self look spiffy, a nice bracelet, roses. Oh honey, I was thinking about you today and you got her something while you were making yourself look presentable. Think about that. You guys get to walk away with the same body. Stop thinking of yourself. Buy her a gym membership paid by you with childcare. How about that

I honestly can’t believe the posters suggesting he showers his wife with adoration and gifts. There are still such double standards across our society. If a woman had written this post about a man she’d be told to leave, regardless of the OP saying that isn’t what he wants at the moment. This is abusive behaviour from his wife.

That was a very unkind post, completely unnecessary. What a negative person you must be.