My wife is very jealous of me

[Herpassions]

I am male, I hope it is okay to post here.

We have young children, leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now.

The jealousy is not about other women, she knows I’m faithful. It is that I have had a more privileged background, she thinks I have led a charmed life, that is not true, she just can’t see clearly I think.

My wife has been far worse since the birth of our second child, but the problem was there before, since about a year after we got together. Maybe it didn’t get worse, it might be the stresses of a baby have left her less able to keep it under wraps.

She is unhappy about anything nice that happens to me. She hates that I earn more than her, although I use my income to support our family. She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit when she has not been able before children to like the idea of working out. She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries, she believes I am outshining her, I am just taking care of myself to a reasonable standard, nothing too crazy, and she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. She especially hates me socialising, not that I have since the baby was born anyway.

She has had therapy, it does not seem to have made the blindest bit of difference, perhaps things were even worse, I’m not even sure she used that time to talk about this particular issue, she is not very obviously remorseful about it. Seems to think it’s not that big.

I know she loves me and is a good mother. What can we do to get over this? We have a lovely little family and I don’t want to give up on us.

Why is she jealous to the detriment of how our family works as a whole, I don’t know what all this is about. I haven’t heard of a woman jealous of her own husband in this way. I’m at a loss what to do next.

I agree. The contempt has set in (on her part). The doormat assumption is right; she probably thinks he'll be a verbal punchbag so she can take out her frustrations on him.

Does she have many friends? Is she happy for them when things go well in their lives?

If it's a deep rooted issue then you'll see patterns in all of her relationships, personal and professional.

If it's purely aimed at you, then depending on the severity of what she says/does, I'd not be hesitant in seeing it as abusive behaviour.

Would you consider being the primary carer for your kids?

Is she tired OP? Tiredness can absolute destroy a persons perspective.

You mentioned bf. What are the sleeping arrangements? When i was bf my husband regularly took over to settle after a feed so i could go back to sleep. He'd also take both kids so i could nap during the day if we'd had a terrible night.

Is she on maternity leave? How are her days when you are at work? Could she be lonely, struggling with the 3 year old, not getting out much?

This is only addressing a small
part of the issues, but… I had a really hard childhood and don’t really have much family left/don’t have much contact with those who are left. DH has a really close relationship with his family. I’m jealous of him in that regard! He knows I am and I really hope I don’t act like your wife, it’s something we can talk about very openly without any criticism or ill feeling.

However these feelings really didn’t surface for me until we had children. I find it very tough that our kids have no grandparents on my side. The grief I feel for my parents now, with three young kids, is so much stronger than it was in the years after they died.

I’m rambling OP but, as awfully as she treats you, I do feel sorry for your wife. I’m not sure what the solution is if she’s not willing to engage with therapy and I hear that you don’t want to leave her but it seems like maybe she needs that ultimatum - therapy or you go? Or at least a trial separation? This is no way for either of you to live.

I am with you on this. I am surprised by the vast majority of the replies.
his wife is clearly unhappy. It has probably got something to do with him.

You are right to be concerned.
Based on our old next door neighbours. (The wife was born to hardship; she was bitter and forever ascetic and the husband was born bonnie, jolly and kind; he had a pony and went on holidays as a child.) They were each other's most fervent protector and friend.They connected over gardening, work, their children, pets and charity.
Brainstorming here...
Perhaps she will always have a bit of a chip on her shoulder.
It might be her personality. You are fortunate with your upbringing. Would your wife like to see you being generous to the community? Speak in earnest to her.
Try to see past it and spend lots of time with her in nature, giving her massages and cooking with her.
Could you both enjoy a hobby that focusses on something new together?
Swim more at the beach. Do charity work for the environment together.
Does your wife have any type of depression?
I guess you could love her just the way she is - given that she is not abusive, cheating, a criminal or a workaholic.

You sound quite full of yourself to be honest, that shit about the dog taking to you is cringeworthy.

I opted you were unreasonable for two reasons

1. staying in a marriage for your kids is not a valid reason. Your kids will never learn what a loving, healthy relationship is and this can impact their future relationships.

2. you start off presenting yourself as a loving, supportive husband with only your wife having issues and you being confused. Your last post worried me deeply. If any one told me they though their partner had 'sociopathic tendencies' due to family history (that they have no contril over) and used the word 'bully' to describe them... well as one person said the resentment seems to have set in for your wife, but actually your resentment rings loud and clear here.

You cannot change your wife, or her choices about not seeking therapy. I actually think you need therapy. Who chooses to stay in a relationship where they describe their partner in that way? I do not believe you love her. You say your wife likes the idea of a husband, wife, family unit... I think you do too.

Suggest couples counselling, get some therapy yourself. Follow the advice of others about having fun with your wife, and lastly- take the kids. Take them for a walk, to the park. Give yourself wife that lie in, let her have a nap or watch the tv for an hour in peace. It is extremely hard having a child and you lose yourself, and I do believe it is common for women to see the man and be jealous that their life has not altered anywhere near as much as their own.

And lastly, sit down and right down a list of things you love about your wife. Share it with her, have positive, confidence building conversations. When someone is feeling down their mind automatically goes to the darker places, it really is a fight or flight response that we can't always help.

I wish you luck, if you want thus marriage to survive you both need to put in the work. It sounds like your wife is struggling and needs you to take the lead with that change of mindset that you BOTH need.

What is it you really want here? Permission from all of us to leave your wife? Instead of trying to psychoanalyse her as having a personality disorder (are you a qualified psychiatrist?) when the boot might just be on the other foot, why don't you listen to her?

You say she's jealous of you and rage bubbling under the surface.

I'd say she's realised like many of us do once we have kids, life is not fair and it is especially unfair if you are female. That is enough to make anyone feel anger if you previously believed life was equitable. But also breastfeeding hormones and pregnancy hormones will miss with your emotions. Also why do you assume your wife is like her family members who have made unfortunate choices to land themselves in prison? She is an entirely separate person to them???!

If she wants to earn the money, had you considered going part time so she can go back to work? How fair is it, is she a SAHP with no time to herself whilst you swan off to work and get to sit down with coffees and fun dog petting days? I've been the SAHP and I work full time, I can tell you that given I work in an office the latter is easier and less stressful. And then on weekends what happens, do you do most of the childcare to give her a break truthfully? Who is doing the night wake ups? Because I am willing to bet this is all her. She sounds exhausted. It's pretty hard to hear your partner saying how wonderful their day sitting on their arse at an office is whilst you've been literally screamed at, cleaning poo and vomit of every surface and all on your clothes, haven't had time to have a shower or self care, endless pile of washing and cleaning, and all the other fun things that come with young children..

I actually think you should take a 6 months shared parental leave or sabbatical to look after your two kids whilst your wife gets a job and then you can come back to us on here about how things are then, how she feels and how you feel about it..

Oh fgs sake she’s 4m pp and breastfeeding and clearly struggling whilst you look down your nose at her and her family and talk about how much dogs love you at the office.
At first you had me thinking maybe you were struggling, now, if this is real you sound like a selfish self centred husband and I’m not surprised she’s down and insecure.

I'm with the posters who think there's something a bit off about how the DH is describing his not so apparently DW.

Someone else clocked the almost "rescuer" narrative, and the disparity between backgrounds seems telling.

I wonder if there is an undercurrent coming from extended family or friends that DH has "married down" and his own mindset is that he "deserves better" even if subconsciously. I'd be interested to know how they met and got together.

Perhaps for all she wants the seemingly perfect average family life described, she has a touch of imposter syndrome. People with dysfunctional family backgrounds (and I'm one) can be experts in self sabotage, and can find it hard to trust anyone, and fear that "they don't deserve nice things".

Issues can surface during major life changes, and I don't doubt she needs some support and therapy to work through it.

The hints that she might transfer these behaviours to the children is worrying, and I wonder if the OP is setting up a narrative for when he leaves and the custody battles ensue.

The language he uses is strangely detached except in terms of himself and all his positive qualities, and his dog anecdote is just a bit weird, hinting at his inherent wonderfulness that even animals can't resist.

I just get a bit of a hinky feeling with it all, to be honest. When relationships aren't working, it's often a 50 / 50 thing, but apparently we have a paragon of virtue versus Lilith in this case.

Obviously this needs sorting out, and I'm well aware that women and men can be equally toxic, but there's an oddly disingenuous tone to this narrative.

It may or may not have something to do with him. Regardless, repeatedly telling him that she hates him staying healthy or getting on well with his parents is bordering on abusive. If a woman posted about her DH telling her this, the replies would be wall-to-wall LTB.

It's bizarre to watch.

She's depressed, so it's OK she treats you this way....

She's traumatised.

She's breastfeeding.

She's had a worse childhood so to be expected to be jealous.

You need to buy her presents, let her go to the gym, go to the gym with her....

The infantalising is off the chain.

Woman = Justiefied.
Man = Abusive.

She’s 4m pp. she’s not behaving correctly, but if I was at my most vulnerable, trying to care for 2 dc, dealing with hormones, lack of sleep, breastfeeding and no family support and my dh was wondering if I was a sociopath, talking about how he’s upset he can’t tell me a dog loved him the most at work whilst clapping himself on the back for being amazing I suspect I’d be a bitch too.

its not infantilising to recognise that being 4m pp is hard and we’re not all at our best at that point.

Read the OP. She has been behaving this way since long before she had children.

If a woman posted about her DH telling her this, the replies would be wall-to-wall LTB.

Im always baffled by the ‘if it was the other way round’ arguments because they clearly don’t work. Unless we say the man’s acting like this whilst recovering from a recent major physical trauma and is unable to rest, recover or get any sleep, and he’s working round the clock. Whilst the woman was judging him, looking down on him and just upset for things like him not giving her praise for a dog loving him the most at work. In that case I suspect it may not be wall to wall ltb.

Or maybe it still would because it’s MN.
actually I suspect we’d get a lot more ‘why did you have another baby’ with him. And other ways it’s the woman’s fault.

I am sorry that this is happening.

Just wanted to post as I recently realised that much of my occasional meanness and frequent impatience with my DH and his family is jealousy. It’s interesting, but I do now know I am fundamentally jealous of the relationship he has with his family and his life as I am lacking that. I now have organised therapy for myself and keep myself (or try to) in check more, reminding myself that my response is about me not about him.

Probably not helpful, but just a message of support as it sounds like something similar. I hope that she gains some happiness and self-awareness for all your sakes.

Oh I am tired of people saying ‘if it was a man they would be saying something else…’

If a man gave birth, and if a man was 4 months postpartum with (what sound like) pnd and struggling with emotions, then yes.

I am not saying this husband should take angry shouting or other abuse, but if she is ‘feeling resentful/jealous’ and angry then I hope someone should be asking what is behind this? Has she been left with children all by herself during a hard time? Frustration with having a crying baby for months can look like anger but is actually frustration/sadness (that can lead to PND), and conversations would be coloured by these feelings.

I was saying 50/50 isn’t enough. If there is a tidy house, that is great. But she is surrounded by a crying child and a baby who wont let her do anything that goal has changed and she would need more help than before (especially if she has pnd). Do you help with the 3 year old? At four months all the baby does is sleep, eat, poop and cry, so hard to distract and do anything.

Everyone that says ‘leave her..’ what an awful thing to suggest. She needs help, not a person who will leave her the minute she struggles after giving birth to their child. That is BS.

They clearly do work. Women are often given the benefit of the doubt on here, much moreso than men. As I just replied to another poster, the wife engaged in this behaviour long before she had children.

If she isn't willing to put some work into getting past her jealousy of your childhood and career, then your marriage will be endlessly miserable.
I dated a few guys who couldn't get past how my childhood differed to theirs. Like my parents career and family choices were some sort of direct threat to them. It came from a place of deep insecurity, and it cannot be fixed by anyone other than themselves.

Agree!

Agreed, it could be about anything.

Alcoholic woman: Oh she's stressed and needs an outlet. Book AA sessions for her and make sure to drive her there on time.
You are the one stressing her, be more gentle.
Alcoholic man: LTB.

Having kids doesn't make you an unpleasant person, otherwise it would be a thing.
Many people are happily married to someone who had a more privileged life.

If a woman had witten in about these behaviours from a DFriend, DSis, DDIL, DM or DMIL, they'd be told to put her in her place and not tolerate it.
But as a man, the wife is justified in her bitterness.

Doesn't make sense.

Speak to your GP about this, he or she can have a word with her GP and when she is next in with her doctor, the doctor can ask if she is feeling OK. Put it in the GP s radar that her jealousy is bordering on abuse.

OP, could you give us a few more bits of info about the relationship you have together now?
I’m just trying to understand if there is ongoing financial disparity

Do you both work full time? Earn similar amounts?
is she on mat leave?
Do you have joint finances?
Jointly own a home?

This sounds really silly but maybe she wanted to clean or cook? I had this with my husband and he was amazing and supportive after our second child. Did everything and more so I could breastfeed the baby but the honest truth was I was getting resentful because I wanted to have some normality. I wanted to be more than a dairy cow and just wanted to do normal things to make me feel human. (like cleaning the floor or making my eldest sons packlunch) it really felt like he was encroaching on my territory and belittling what I did for the family!

After a chat he realised what he was doing and then just offered to hold the baby more in the evening so that I could do at least 1 normal job that just made me feel fulfilled and like an actual person!

Edited to add it wasn't that I wasn't greatful I just felt like I lost my identity in the family and needed to find it again