My wife is very jealous of me

[Herpassions]

I am male, I hope it is okay to post here.

We have young children, leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now.

The jealousy is not about other women, she knows I’m faithful. It is that I have had a more privileged background, she thinks I have led a charmed life, that is not true, she just can’t see clearly I think.

My wife has been far worse since the birth of our second child, but the problem was there before, since about a year after we got together. Maybe it didn’t get worse, it might be the stresses of a baby have left her less able to keep it under wraps.

She is unhappy about anything nice that happens to me. She hates that I earn more than her, although I use my income to support our family. She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit when she has not been able before children to like the idea of working out. She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries, she believes I am outshining her, I am just taking care of myself to a reasonable standard, nothing too crazy, and she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. She especially hates me socialising, not that I have since the baby was born anyway.

She has had therapy, it does not seem to have made the blindest bit of difference, perhaps things were even worse, I’m not even sure she used that time to talk about this particular issue, she is not very obviously remorseful about it. Seems to think it’s not that big.

I know she loves me and is a good mother. What can we do to get over this? We have a lovely little family and I don’t want to give up on us.

Why is she jealous to the detriment of how our family works as a whole, I don’t know what all this is about. I haven’t heard of a woman jealous of her own husband in this way. I’m at a loss what to do next.

Absolutely this!!

This

I should add my DH was the same as @Hollyjollywafflecone
A " good man" but he was utterly clueless as to how resentful and overwhelmed I felt and if I expressed it I got " you didn't ask"

She sounds like my mum, who is generally resentful and envious of other people but doesn't do much to improve things for herself. This includes me - if I had something growing up (holidays, toys, experiences etc) that she never had, she would make a snide comment about it and call me a spoiled brat. I had a boyfriend as a teen that came from a well-off family and my mum would make snide comments to me about how he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. Keep an eye on this behaviour because it might extend to your children as well.

Have you ever called her out on this behavior?

I suggest couples therapy OP. Problems are usually not about what’s happening now, they’re about what has brought us to be the people we now are and to choose the partners we’ve chosen.

I'd bet good money you wouldn't have made this comment if OP was a woman talking about her husband.

Your wife seems depressed OP and just maybe she's hankering for the freedom she had before having children, but doesn't know how to tell you without causing upset?
Maybe you should discuss this with her and perhaps suggest that she has some child-free time to meet up with friends, go to the gym or whatever she wants to do for a few hours.
Reading between the lines, I'm sensing some resentment from her which doesn't necessarily relate to money, but is me-time related.

My friend used to be like this with her husband. She would say things in front of people to humiliate him/ put him down . It was so uncomfortable. I called her out on it lots of times. Despite being successful in her own right, I think it boiled down to the fact that she had very little confidence. Her husband on the other hand was very outgoing , made friends easily. I'm not excusing her behaviour by the way, but it could be something similar happening here.

Sounds like childhood trauma, poor love. She is resentful of your relationship with your family. This will be the source. I hope you are able to find a good therapist to help her and I wish you luck with your little family. x

If you had a better childhood than her, how did she not better herself? She ensured you had better than her. There is nothing wrong with appreciating what you have and gaining perspective.What parent doesn't say 'when I was a kid' or 'in my day...'

Your wife sounds like a narcissist and you would be getting totally different advice if you were a woman. There is no excuse, NONE for being abusive. Not depression, not the additional load of being a female or a mother. Nothing.

No one would be calling a man like this a "Poor Love".

Women and yes even mothers can be abusive narcissists. If you don't want to leave her then please look after your own children and make sure she does not behave like this with them.

OP for yourself I would do some reading up about covert narcissism which often occurs as a result of childhood trauma but doesn't justify the behaviours for one second.

Could she be depressed? Postpartum depression, even? Depression doesn’t necessarily mean staying in bed all day - being resentful, irritated about everything, etc can also be signs.

As a next step I would suggest couples counselling to try and sort it out. If that still doesn’t work… up to you if you want to stay.

My dad earned a lot more than her and paid for things for me (and her as well, before anyone tries to go there. She also has always refused to view their incomes as family income or pool finances and pretends to live off only her lower salary when that's not the case, it's odd) - if it had been up to her I wouldn't have anything more than she had. For example, my dad helped towards my first car and she was annoyed by this and I got a lot of "must be nice" type comments from her. Also, I don't think calling your child a spoiled brat for having opportunities is ok.

This doesn't make much sense to me.
It sounds similar to Meghan Markle describing herself as a family person.

I don't think hating anything nice that happens to you AND loving you are compatible. In fact they are exact opposites.

I don't think she loves you. I don't think she even likes you very much.

This.

I remember (not too long ago) that my husband was standing getting ready to go to work with a smart suit and nicely cut hair. I felt very resentful. I was absolutely exhausted not sleeping more than an hour or two with bf baby, not washed in a couple of days, sick on my shoulder, eating with a crying baby and using the toilet with a crying baby, and sitting for hours with a contact napper. The first three months were absolutely awful, and I felt trapped while my husband could go free and have fancy meals at work.

I know how resentment can build, and I know it was just a small moment in time during an awfully hard period.

It sounds like your wife is struggling with resentment, but like many have said - it isn’t fair on you. But she may be completely exhausted, and in need of support. You said you always do 50/50, but if she is a bad as I was, she may not even be able to get up without the baby crying and sometimes she may need more help than that.

The fact that resents your close family, just tells me that she feels unsupported with her own.

Maybe she is just exhausted. Been there. With a man that considered himself so helpful. While he swanned off with all his freedom and I was at breaking point. Sleep deprivation can make you crazy.

People are so quick to label everyone a narcissist.

I’m thinking the same to be honest. She sounds like my mother.

@Herpassions how does she react when something bad happens to you? Do you feel like she is secretly pleased?

How long did you know her before getting married and having children?

You say she is a breastfeeding mum and she has kept her job.
How old are your children and is your wife back at work?

Yes
Read thread after thread where the man just carries on as normal and the woman carries the entire family life.
Op describes this/as getting worse after the birth of the second child.
Narcissistic my arse!

Have you sat her down and asked her if she is OK and if you can help in anyway to make things better? Did she have a bad upbringing? Maybe there is some trauma there?
Having children is life changing and you lose your identity so maybe she is jealous that she can't go out to the gym, that she doesn't earn as much, doesn't get to socialise a lot, doesn't feel comfortable in her changing body.

What?? Where are picking that up?

I don't think she does love you if she genuinely feels anger and hatred towards you when you do something positive or something nice happens to you? If you are making an effort to share the burden of domestic life, and giving her a chance to socialise and have her own hobbies, then she should be at the very least, tolerant of you doing the same.

You keep saying she never seems to change. She needs to know that it's driving you away. Try and calmly ask her 'why does my privilege and positive experiences in life make you so angry with me?' and then listen rationally to her response.
You can also say 'it is unfair and hurtful to punish me in this way. We must try and work through this or we'll have nothing left to save'. That is if you don't already feel too much has happened already.

If things don't improve you'd be better off single frankly.

How does this jealousy present itself? I'm only asking because it could be that some things she could be genuinely upset about but because she's shown jealousy before it's now embedded in how you might perceive it all and therefore you might also need to work on how you receive her commentary / mood?

For example:
Let's say if your finances are separate and you earn considerably more but she only has SMP - could it be that she feel its uncomfortable to ask you for money? Etc etc