Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

@Hmm1234

she has her own home.

You are right, he is not 14, if he doesn’t like the rules he can move out.

You've played this really well and I completely understand why you've been so accommodating. If you can hang in there til summer, do that for the sake of your relationship with your Son. We all know they're selfish little shites at that age and only experience changes that. Maybe do 2 nights instead of 3 and start vacuuming at 7am outside their door. I'd even suggest a smoke alarm mishap at 6am. Taste of their own medicine.

Don't put up with shit op. They have taken the absolute piss. So out of order

Do have a think about how to improve the soundproofing in the house - extra rugs / fabric wall hangings etc are probably easy (unless a trip hazard) and relationship cheap.

You're still going to have him and / or other guests staying and while people moving around in the night should be quiet, it's worth trying to help with that given how disturbed your sleep has been for a while.

Slightly different perpective here. I cant sleep until I know my kids are home and safe. my son works untill midniht sometimes.And when my daughters boyfriend moved in with us I felt no different when he was working late.
They are now gone a living together and I miss the noise, the happy sounds, being woken up or not sleeping waiting for them to come home. You are a long time alone after they are gone.
As you say in the summer there will be a move to the fathers, enjoy what time you have left as a family and dont let them leave on a sour note. Just keep a dialogue open with them and maybe ask when she is up and back in the early hours it may be better to go to her own home on those times.
In the end it about them having respect for you and your home.

@EveryonesMother

hmm… yeah I really don’t think Op is gonna being woken up at 3am and disrespected in her own home one iota!

Good result OP. I hope it continues.

I'm glad things are looking better OP. I was reading your thread feeling furious and actually very upset for you.

On my 19th birthday I got totally blitzed and stayed at my brother's. He phoned to get our dad to take me home as he had enough of my drunken babbling at 7am. My dad came for told me to get to bed and 9am he starts hoovering outside my bedroom door.. My hangover was horrible and he refused to let me sleep. I learned after that never to get in that state whilst living with parents lol

YANBU OP I would tell them that if they disturb you when get in again then your DS will be moving out. Also, for them calling a meeting tell them -this is my house and no cheeky fucker (or your choice of words) can treat you like a lodger.

"Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her"

They are really inconsiderate. And how is it up to them to "call you to meeting." It's your house, if they can't come in quietly they can go elsewhere.

Tell them op and mean it. You won't be doing ur son or his gf any favours anyway because it won't be put up with by anyone else who they share a room /house with.

Tell them it's not about liking or disliking it's about consideration and adult behaviour , that should they get a shared flat /house , housemates or landlords would turn them out on theor ear & until they pay the bills , "my house , my rules " and make it clear what will happen if they don't comply and stick to it. No meetings, no character assignation, no whining ...just you do "x y z ...x y z consequences will occur" end of, full stop , no negotiations.

I agree with the others, she goes straight to her own home after work. Son needs a curfew or risk getting his keys taken off him. Very selfish and inconsiderate behaviour from them both.

Hahahahahahahahaha

My earlier post still stands!!!

RTFT people!!

🤣🤣🤣

We have a loose ‘no overnight guests rule ‘ for our 3 kids which we will make the odd exception to for logistical reasons. All 3 are accepting of this. DS stays at his gfs flat share a few nights a week, DS 2 stays with his gf a lot at her parents & DD never stays with her BF. I suspect his parents are of the same mind as us ! He is here often in the evenings, they sort their own food & we barely know he’s here. I might hear him leaving at midnight if I happen to be awake.
I would not be having a situation where I feel like the awkward one in my own home! Too many people my age I know have let kids partners stay regularly/ move in by stealth & been treated badly by their DC in their own home. DC who are paying minimal or no board & expect to have regular overnight guests making a noise , mess & generally being disrespectful!
I have occasionally thought about loosening the rules a little but then I read shit like this thread or speak to my work colleague or brother who have sons gf living with them & my resolve is strengthened! If they want to live with a partner they get their own place!

Don't you just long for the distant past when no parent would allow an unmarried couple to sleep together in their house? I suppose it avoided the problems now.

Ask your son's girlfriend to move out, and if your son doesn't want to, then both of them should leave the house.

Glad to read your update op.

That’s less than helpful. These ‘adults’ are treating OP appallingly. She needs support with setting boundaries. She doesn’t need to be made to feel she’s doing everything wrong.

This is the present in my house, lol.

Yes, I did really want to try and keep some peace and not send him off mid-row, but so far he is being very good, and she hasn't stayed at all; they've pushed off to hers!

Yes, I agree... late shift = back to her own bed! It's one thing having your own child wake up (adult or not) but I didn't sign up for someone else's to do it!

Yes, that was the part of the conversation that got quite heated. My son tried to make it about my relationship with her again; and I said I recognised what he was doing; that he was deflecting his own bad behaviour on to another issue and making me responsible... gaslighting, kind of? Anyway, he knows that unless I ask for the sit-down chat about his GF, there won't be one!