To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

I think posters are really missing this point.
mil treats dc like this
asks for them all the time but gets bored as soon as her toy isn’t exciting or playing how she wants. I don’t want dc to be treated like that.
obviously if your ILs are great
or your in laws are irritating to you but ultimately nice caring people with your DCs best interests at heart it’s different

He literally gets no say because his wife won’t agree to any decision he might bring up regarding the child and his mother .

Paid help won't give a shit once you stop paying them, a lot of the time. Take it from me.

Imagine your own daughter when she's grown up not letting you have time with your GC and choosing paid staff instead. I can imagine that would hurt.

They're imperfect and yes they've been a bit rude but they're human, not perfect, they are your partner's parents, and they love their child and grandchild. Why not let them spoil her a bit occasionally.

I have a really difficult and toxic mother. Very Stately Homes. I do get it.

But, to me - it's actually the OP not the MIL who gives off Stately Homes vibes.

The MIL sounds a bit clumsy at times with how she expresses herself but none of the things the OP says sound horribly toxic at all. I think if you put absolutely everything anyone says under a microscope, you can pull out comments like this and it really doesn't make them horrible people overall.

But the OP sounds, as another poster put it, "emotionally frozen" and very cold, transactional and possessive of her daughter to me. I do wonder about the impact of the early bereavement/inheritance on her

She had her day of raising dcs, it's your turn now so stand firm

I'm going to save this and insert it on the many threads where grandparents are being disparaged for refusing to do regular childcare. We've had our day.
Until it suits.

I think you are being very unreasonable. None of the small irritations mentioned are reason enough to block your daughter developing an independent relationship with her grandparents, who clearly love her and want to spend time with her.
you sounds controlling and hard work. I wonder what their side of the story would be about you…
Put this pettiness aside and, let them see and bond with her, it’s beneficial for all in the long run.

I’m wondering how the clumsiness without accountability is better than horribly toxic behaviour? Surely we have to judge the effect and the attempt to resolve, not the intent?

Genuine questions, as I’m navigating something with similarities myself.

100% agree!

Call me crazy, but I think the mil is reaping what she sowed. She can’t expect her dil to merrily hand over her child for her benefit after being a pain previously.

Just recently my daughter started being funny towards mil. I couldn’t understand why but when probed, daughter told me that mil said she was hers and mil is like her mummy!

Maybe grandma just said something along the lines of "When Mummy's not here
I have to look after you like Mummy does" It's possible. Children don't always hear exactly what's said.

@loulalole you sound pretty self centred.
You made decisions . What about your dh it is his child too and his family .
what about your dd having a relationship with her grandparents. Nothing can compare .
You don’t need and you don’t what so that’s all that matters

It's complicated isn't it?

I am not trying to say that I think you have to ignore things that upset you but more that it's worth trying to see things from someone else's point of view, be generous with your interpretation.

So for example the comment about the C section - the way I would take it is, the MIL was desperately worried about the safe delivery of her grandchild and that anxiety spilled out into an unhelpful comment. If it was my MIL who had said that, I would have tried to focus on what we have in common - we both love my child and we both had anxieties about their safe delivery. I would have said something like "hey, I know you are worried about the baby but it would have been nice if you had opened with asking about me as well" and she would have said "I'm so sorry, that came out wrong, I just got so anxious"

What I wouldn't do is stew on it for years.

Be themselves! Without being watched and scrutinised . Bond with your child .

Maybe I'm missing something but what exactly is the benefit of that alone time? What can't they do whilst I'm present?

Not be judged and scrutinised.

You’re crazy.

Thank you but the predominant theme is MIL.
And all the 'problems' are typically related to husband's/ partner's mum!

How strange to think this. I have recently become a GP and I am so keen to have baby overnight to give my DD and son in law a break. She's too young at the moment, but they're keen and I'm keen and it will happen when they and baby are ready, I can't wait!

OP's PILs do have the option of stopping their passive-aggressive behaviour towards OP and building the relationship by stopping their criticism of OP and respecting her rules.

Normally in these scenarios, posters will tell the OP that she will change her tune when she needs a babysitter but in this case OP is independently wealthy so can afford paid help and she doesn't rely on her DH, so the leverage isn't there.

My comment so yes, please feel free to use. Context: many parents turn to gps for free childcare nowadays so are obliged to give in demands from gps when they want to call the shots. However, some of us raise our dcs independently without pulling on gps for childcare so the time is spent with them is wholesome, fun and special, but not owed.

And it's true, gps had their day. They chose the best for the children at the time, doesn't mean that 20-50 years later they would make the best decisions for their gps when there is new knowledge and ways of doing things.

It's not always. My mother isn't allowed the DC alone as she has a lack of awareness about appropriate topics (graphic descriptions of risks told to me and Dsis as young children to teach "stranger danger" amongst many other issues)
The reason you hear it more about paternal grandmothers is that its likely rare for a DH to have issue with her wife putting boundaries with her own mother.

However in this situation its not relevant as it doesn't sound like a safeguarding issue but a control issue.

It really is complicated.

I think in that example, it’s nice to think that MIL would react that way. However, would it be the reaction? And does anxiety excuse it enough? (As a one off, yes. But repeatedly?)

In my situation, there is always an excuse and a dismissal of this ‘accidentally’ toxic behaviour rather than accountability and attempts to change - ‘I just love him so much’ ‘I feel….’ ‘I’m worried that…’ then she brings out the tears (lots of them) and if that fails she’ll suddenly inform us of a new, dreadfully worrying health problem/symptom that she ‘didn’t want to worry us with’. So everything is swept under the carpet again.
I did have a thread on here about a specific incident with my MIL’s behaviour and the advice was a resounding ‘protect your child, go NC’ so I think mine is quite bad. Saying that, she was probably no worse than op’s MIL when my son was 3 (a long history of bullying from her when DH and I were teens though - so I’m naturally wary) but I trusted my instincts and was called controlling, hard work, (only mumsnet, not real life 😂) etc. I’m so glad I dug my heals in now that’s she’s really shown her true colours recently. Again, none of it intentional and all out of ‘love’ albeit a very selfish, self- centred version of it.

I think all DIL’s want to hear is ‘I’m so sorry, I love you all very much, how can I make this better?’ That simple thing would do so much for the whole relationship.

This comes over as too strong, albeit I agree with the position that the child should not be deprived of a proper relationship with her grandparents.

In terms of petty objections to MiL, I agree that comments like a woman being 'lucky' that her precious son has condescended to marry her are just old-fashioned nonsense. This is unworthy of anything more than an eye-roll. The questioning about their family planning I would absolutely have shut down, as OP rightly did. The tears and accusations of rudeness were manipulative in the face of a very reasonable rebuke. You do not ask other people questions about their sex lives, particularly if there's a possibility they are battling infertility which is a very painful position to be in.

I understand the 'death by a thousand cuts' scenario. My FiL was okay but I deflected the constant passive aggressive snubs, sabotaging of Christmas etc from MiL and SiL for years before I decided enough was enough and stepped away. Only OP can decide where that boundary lies for her.

None of this has to have anything to do with the child's relationship with her grandparents, however. Overnights are not necessary but the occasional day out would be good for the child: I treasured these times with my own grandparents and would never want to deprive my child of the same privilege. Like yours, OP, my MiL isn't a terrible person: merely quite neurotic and at best an erratic mother and grandmother. She certainly isn't a danger to my child and in any case she's DH's mother and I'm willing to trust him on that.

Dh and DC have a right to that relationship - it's a right which incidentally would likely be upheld by the courts - and I can only make decisions relating to me personally. DH therefore fully facilitates all contact between himself, DC and MiL with no involvement from me: it took a lot of years and one 'final straw' to come to this point.

This isn't about what your MiL wants. You don't have to care in the slightest about her. But in most circumstances, even if your in-laws are not your cup of tea or you even have valid reasons for disliking them, a relationship with their grandparents is normally in the best interests of the child.

It absolutely is complicated and case by case.

My mother is very toxic and I totally understand how with some people - like my mother - it won't work to try and see things from her perspective or be reasonable.

But my mother in law is more in the sometimes says the wrong thing but means well sort of category. I could look back and pull out similar things to what the OP has said - actually a few that are worse (being told to get out of a family photo because she wanted just her family!) - but at the end of the day she doesn't really mean it and she is open to my perspective too.

This OP to me comes across as more the toxic person in this relationship than the MIL to be honest but of course that's subjective and I am not trying to say it's the only way to view the situation

With respect OP, I think you need to talk to a professional about your need to control this whole situation, and the fact you think it’s healthier for your child to have a ‘relationship’ with somebody you pay to do as you say.

What’s going to happen as your daughter gets older and goes to school and you don’t like the teacher, and makes friends, wants to go to their houses and you don’t particularly gel with the parents? Will you sacrifice your daughter’s happiness and friendships because you can’t control the narrative?

Yes, MIL does sound a bit like hard work, but why should your daughter lose out on one of the most precious relationships she will ever have and all those memories that she will carry through her life; just because you don’t like them very much and you need to be in constant control?

I say this not only for your child’s sake, but also for yours. Because you can end up making yourself very ill as you keep trying to hold onto that grip and it starts slipping away as she gets older.
and also, you do not want a daughter that’s going to end up resenting you.

Do we assume that she will use her 'independent wealth' to blackmail her husband and family to let her have her own way forever?
I feel very sorry for 'her' child, eventually the paid help will leave, the child will lose this paid-for care and will be very sad, having no-one else or maybe another paid-for person.