To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

Your MIL sounds a fucking nightmare @loulalole
Don’t doubt yourself. Just keep facilitating the relationship in a way that you are comfortable with and don’t get drawn into the drama. Deprive it of oxygen.

The OP has left and has said that she dislikes the GPs because they don't follow her rules about what's 'best for her child'.

We haven't validated her feelings; she's out of control; she's removed herself.

I never understand these obsessive beliefs that someone who's raised a perfectly nice person (your spouse) is wilfully harming the child if they do things differently to you. Unless your child has ASC or something, a bit of spontaneity / variation doesn't hurt. It teaches them to be adaptable and stands out as exciting in the passage of their life.

The MIL's comments sound clumsy rather than cutting, and I think the one about 'I don't understand why I'm not allowed a relationship' sounds fair enough! If an adult wants to play with a child, it doesn't make the child 'a toy' - she's doing it for the child as a way of bonding, not for herself! If anything, the child sounds at risk of affluent neglect.

This is a tricky situation. It sounds like it is really important to you that your daughter is looked after in the way you want, and that there is a lot of built up and maybe unaddressed hurt from comments MIL has made in the past. Other posters are right that having relationships with extended family members and even being a bit spoilt is usually a good thing.

Needing to feel in control of your children is sometimes linked with anxiety. It might be helpful for you to have a think about that, as you will lose a lot of that control anyway as she gets older and goes to school. Maybe you could build some confidence with DH taking your child to MILs without you, so you know someone you trust is there but they might feel more at ease?

Not really sure why you are asking for advice as you have already made your mind up not to let them have alone time with her even though they are of no danger to her.
I feel you are being controlling and perhaps trying to get back at her for the way you feel she has treated you. Whatever you might feel I don't think you should be ruining the potential special relationship that your DD and her grandparents might have.

100% this. I’d be very said if my daughter didn’t have a relationship with her grandparents.

OP (if you come back), maybe take this to the Stately Homes thread. People with relatively (ha!) normal/pleasant relatives never get it.

Most people have tricky relationships with some members of their extended family but manage to work through challenges for the best of the children.

So you are happy for your daughter to have a closer relationship with your servant than her grandmother? I stayed overnight with my grandparents from that age and they were 15 miles away, they didn't have a landline and neither did my parents (this was mud-1960s

...mid-1960s...

I think you are being a bit over the top with this. I imagine your husband would love to feel his parents and his child are forming a happy GP relationship.

It might be wise for your child to get used to staying with grandparents, in case of emergencies. I remember staying at my grandparents' when mum was in hospital.

And for nice things too; like when my parents went to France for an anniversary.

The issue is her behaviour. I can't be doing with manipulative women who use tears to control.

Good answer re the unbelievably nosy why aren't you pregnant yet enquiry. I might have been inclined to say exactly the same. Your sex life is none of their business, same as theirs is none of yours.

Time for a calm talk with your husband about what you both want for your daughter. How you want her brought up re diet, behaviour, clothes, activities and so on, and make sure you're on the same page.

Then together, have that talk with his parents. They want something so they're going to have to prove they are ready for it. (Like me trying to persuade my parents to let me go to my first disco ...)

Make sure they understand that's the conditions and that you're shoulder to shoulder on this, it's not just coming from you. It's 'we'.

I agree with what you say, but I'm also conscious that the quote may have been what the DIL 'heard' rather than what was 'said', verbatim.

Trust your gut instinct. I find it very odd how she pushes for this. Why do they want to be alone with her, especially overnight? Don't let them push you into this.

The OP is not preventing the child having a relationship with her grandma! And the child is 3.

My DD spent time with both sets of grandparents but none of them have ever said anything to me anything like the things the OP has quoted. Both my DM and my MIL can be quite challenging, but they're not mean and neither would deliberately do something we've asked them not to.

The DH may also be a bit spineless. Many men are...

Yeah it must be him that’s the problem….. couldn’t possibly be the OP or the hired help!

I'm sure the op heard what her mil said just fine.

This post nails it.

@loulalole I agree with everything you have said, there is no need for them to have one to one time with your child away from you.

You aren’t saying no to any contact but it has to be whilst you are there.

I am the same with my daughter, I don’t mind mil spending time with my daughter but it has to be whilst we are present and over night stays are a no until my daughter can decide for herself.

Just recently my daughter started being funny towards mil. I couldn’t understand why but when probed, daughter told me that mil said she was hers and mil is like her mummy! X

You seem to have a fixed dislike of your in laws, and sound as if you somehow think that you’re superior to them.
You are not giving them a chance to be proper grandparents who will love and cherish your daughter and bring something special into her life. I think you’re deliberately doing it because you want to be unkind to them for some reason and keep the upper hand.

As she refers to 'my baby' I doubt he's allowed any opinion, as seems to be the case in many families.

Two things stand out to me:

1. they are rude to you… this alone is reason enough for no alone time. There is no guarantee they won’t speak badly of you in front of your child and that is unacceptable. In essence there is no respect or trust in them and therefore it needs to be built up again. Sadly for women like your MiL this is impossible so the second point is relied upon…

1. “So his ideal would be to just hand over our daughter to minimise drama. But that would cause drama with me because to me she's not a toy to appease a tantrum with.” your DH sees you as an easier drama to cope with than his mother, mainly because he knows your reasonable and she isn’t. He has had her drama his whole life and has been taught to placate her to calm her down. It’s no so much a DH problem as his upbringing. In essence you will need to train him that short term discomfort with her will be better than long term discomfort with you! I’m also I. The camp that you are a grown adult who can communicate and express your boundaries as much as he can. The MiL doesn’t like you or respect you so there will be no loss of you communicate if your DH can’t.

for those who are saying you don’t understand normally family dynamics, are lucky enough to not have to live with these weird and wonderful people in their families. They forget that there is no normal. You’re not stuck up but probably exhausted by the whole thing.

i hear you OP.

That's probably the situation in most families, I know my children spent time with grandparents and we lived abroad when they were very small but when we were over they loved seeing grandparents, aunts, uncles etc..
I think it's no surprise that so many children have 'attachment issues' if they've been almost kept prisoner by their mother and can't cope with school.

The little girl will grow up one day and I'm sure she won't thank you OP for prioritising what she eats and when she sleeps over developing real, deep familial bonds. You talk about a nanny, housekeeper and a helper all whilst you're at home as well. Very strange dynamic. No wonder the grandparents want to have the little girl on their own away from all that staff!

Controlling with low self esteem regardless of wealth. Unhealthy view of family.