To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

My post was to @Fimofriend who was alleging the GPs could abuse the child.

Saying just because they’re GPs, doesn’t make them nice.

My point is that just because you pay for help doesn’t make a person nice

I can understand why you don’t like them, they sound like dicks and they have been very, very rude to you. But I do think they should have a bit of one on one time with your daughter. Not overnight, she doesn't know them well enough and she’s still very little. But let them take her to the playground or play with her at home while you and your husband go out.

@LovelyLeitrim Urm the child is hers, therefore she makes the rules! Not the MIL.

I’m normally always team mum, and advocate for mums not being pressured to leave their children. However in this case I think an hour or two here and there would be nice. Dd is used to being left with the nanny and is 3 so can communicate for herself. Just make the rules clear and make it clear that if then don’t abide by your boundaries (1 biscuit not 10 etc) you will revoke the arrangement

Urm the child has a father and he has an input as well! Even if he doesn’t pay for the hired help!

Although did notice the “my” child in OPs posts…… I’m sure she meant our though 🤔.

Children don't belong to one person. My opinion is that if children have strong attachments with their main care givers such as parents then there is plenty of love and time to share with wider family and friends who are kind enough to want to see them.

@LovelyLeitrim the husband does get input but he needs to facilitate the meetings not just dump it all onto his wife to do with no conversation with what his wife wants. Husband needs to deal with his mother, not wife.

I suspect he might not be allowed to.

It sounds like he's tried to and that he wants his parents to have 1-1 time with their DGC, but because OP calls the shots he's ignored.

You sound hard work op. Offended at anything that comes out of their mouths. Chill out and allow your child an hour or so with them

Trust your instincts op. I think it’s the selfishness that puts our heckles up as mums, it’s all about the MIL’s feelings and never what’s best for the child.

I had a similar ‘can’t quite put my finger on it’ feeling with my MIL (although her history of toxic behaviour definitely influenced this) My instincts have since been absolutely vindicated. She’s recently said some awful things to and about my son, having time completely alone with him would have allowed space for these things to really damage him.

@polinkhausive to be fair it does sound like he is stuck between two very strong women. But he created this situation so he needs to sort it.

How did you assume he dumped it all
on his wife? You’re making that up!

Because no where in the four posts that OP has made, do I get the impression he’s dumped it on her.

She sounds controlling and from the little I’ve read, she’s getting free time when she gets the hired help to perform her duties, under instruction to keep her income, or she’ll be out on her ear.

I’d’ assume that OP insists on attending these meetings, to ensure control.

I think you’re fine to say no to overnights. You don’t need to give your child to them for a whole weekend (I wouldn’t want to) but a few hours in the afternoon at the park shouldn’t be an issue?

How did he create this situation?

You child is already growing up in an environment of little variation with you and your hired nannies sticking to the same routines. How about your daughter learning to be adaptable, able to tolerate new food, love messy people, play on wet grass, cook grandma's scones etc.
I agree with this.The more people who love your child and who your child loves the better.

They can’t be that bad though can they, because they raised the man that the OP has chosen to marry and have a child with?

I have never got on with my MIL but I would never have prevented my children from spending time with her, although they always needed a debriefing afterwards as she’s a bit toxic! But that in itself teaches them about how to deal with different people who have different opinions, you can’t curate your children’s lives, it’s not healthy.

Yes you’re being ridiculous. Ok you don’t get on but it sounds like you’re trying to keep them away. Your child is 3, my just turned three year old is perfectly capable of telling me what he did at nursery that day so could tell you what they did for a couple of hours with Granny. This is why mothers of sons feel they’re kept away by daughters in law.

Why are these threads always the mother in law. When talking about the children let's give them the proper title. The grandmother. Not mother in law. You are restricting the relationship with the grandchildren and the grandmother.
I'm well into my 50s. I stayed with my grandmother. When we went out she always had a bag of sweets. When we stayed in i was allowed to stay up later. It's what built my fond memories of my long gone nana.
You married this woman's son so presumably he turned out OK so saying that only the paid childminder knows what she's doing is a bit insulting. She brought your husband up.

I don’t think this is always true. My DH is a wonderful person and brilliant husband and father, despite his upbringing not because of it. He has said himself that the only thing his childhood taught him was what not to do as a parent.

I actually can't see what they have done so wrong to deprive them of time with your DD. Nor can I understand why you want rather the paid help be closer to your DD than her grandparents (this is said by someone who was largely raised by the paid help). Paid helpers do move on grandparents will always love and support your DD.

I totally understand why you don't want your DD away overnight but other than you are just coming across controlling. I also agree with other posters who say to think long term not short term. You might not value the relationship your dd has with her grandparents but that doesn't mean she won't value it or resent you a bit of you deny her it. Nor does it mean just because you can afford to pay for help you may not need help from grandparents at some point.

Although I don't think the grandparents should have made reference to C-section being worse for babies lungs they are actually correct. My last child was born via C-section due to medical reasons and both the consultant and senior midwife explained that when babies are going through the birth canal it squeezes the mucus out of their lungs so its actually better for babies lungs.

If you want to spend time with someone else's kids, be cordial with their parents (even if you don't like them that much/think they're a bit bonkers) and don't do anything they've specifically asked you not to. Don't be rude to them and ask them personal questions!

It's that straightforward.

Trust your instincts OP. You do see them fairly frequently. Maybe reevaluate when DD is school age.

In my experience narcissistic grandmas lose interest once the child can express an opinion anyway.

This was me with my Grandmother I absolutely adored my time with her,she lived 15 minutes away & my dad worked her land (a little farm mostly trees,fruit & veg) & id go up with him & stay,she was so much fun & I loved my time there ,she had a little patch of garden for me to dig in,I could do as I wanted,taught me to make jam,made me special dinners(secret veggies),they are the best memories. My boys adore my dad too & my eldest has stayed with him for days while I had hospital appointments etc & loved it,same thing gardening, helping make dinner. Gosh for me it's just normal family relationships & I'd be sad if I'd never had that or my boys missed out on it.

You are not depriving your DD of a relationship with her DGPs, they see her with you once a month. Maybe consider increasing that time slightly if you’re not comfortable adding alone time but she’s still young and will be fine.

One on one time is not necessary for a relationship between grandparents and grandchildren (nor is a ‘special’ relationship necessary). It’s also not a necessary requirement for the grandchildren to have a fulfilled childhood. It is an extra. I never spent much time alone (or time at all) with my DGPs as a child as we lived away. We saw them as a family unit. I had a wonderful childhood and my grandparents were/are very important to me. I have always cared about them a lot. If OP doesn’t want one to ones that’s fine - that might change as her DD gets older and it might not - but as long as the GPs are involved in some way (as they are) they will have a relationship. The GPs should just focus on making the most of the time they do have together.