To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

[sushiandarollie]

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

To be honest OP, I can't even get into this discussion, because it drives me to rage.

Mine is one of the decent ones, and even he is shit. They do it because they can, and they're all fucking useless. There.

Whilst you want a second child, this is a perfect time to take stock and ask yourself what will your life be life in 2 years time. Your DH has shown himself to you, believe him. Anything you do next needs to happen with intention.

So what are you going to do about it? Potentially have another kid with him and make life even harder for yourself?

You need to have a serious talk with him, he will either change or he won’t, you either leave or you don’t.

I ponder often whether it's a can't or whether it's a won't. I don't know the answer and wonder if we ever will.

I've been single for 10 years though so doesn't impact me too much.

I just couldn't cope with this and would probably end up in prison so it's safer for everyone I don't get myself another one of them.

Stop trying to have a second child.
He needs to step up. So many of us have been there, and sadly it gets worse.

If it can be fixed do it before considering having another child.

If you dislike him this much OP, why would you want to have another child with him?

When I married dh, I told him I was never doing his ironing and we would share all chores equally. And I've stuck to that. Dh had to learn to care for the kids and sort the cooking etc juts as much as me.

Men aren't incapable of doing chores, they just prefer not to.

What is dh in remission with?

This sounds like a one way road to resentment. You need to communicate with him and in an honest frank way! You do not have to put up with this nonsense, and he is perfectly capable of taking responsibility but right now, you overcompensate for his laziness. You’ll end up exhausted, full of resentment and when you eventually leave him, you’ll be a shell of the woman you once were!

I'm guessing that you're so desperate to have another child you don't care about the father. It's pretty obvious that you're going to be single handedly dealing with two children while he puts his feet up.

At least you're married which means you'll hopefully get a share of the assets when you divorce.

A friend of mine is a couple of years further down the road. She’s realised that he’s always been useless but she just parented him and picked up his slack. Now she’s got children to parent, and doesn’t have the time or energy to pick up his slack anymore, she’s deeply unhappy and making an exit plan.

He’s not going to change. Can you live with that until you’ve had all the children you want? And when he bundles them in the car to take them off for his weekends, can you trust him to anticipate danger and not let them run about in a busy car park? Will he remember to take them to the parties and activities that fall on his time? Will he remember to give them breakfast? Or bathe them?

Is having more children with him really a sensible thing to do if you’re feeling like this now? Because more kids means more work for you and more opportunities for him to let you down.

If your top priority is having more kids you probably should stick it out where you are unless you are young enough to still be ovulating after you; separate, set up a new home, date and find a new husband.

To make it work with your husband you probably have to swallow your pride and heartily congratulate him whenever he does the bare minimum. If you point out his inadequacies or scold him he will just disengage from even trying to 'help'. Try setting yourself targets like thank him at least twice a day and compliment him at least once. Make him your hero, then see what things he starts to voluntarily do to contribute to the family. I'm not saying it's easy or that it won't cause you resentment but it will likely make him more useful.

My DP was the one pushing for a second baby and eventually I said I'm happy to go for it but you are going to have to massively step up. And he did.

Treat him like you're his manager. That's kind of how we roll.
Parenting: I manage him but don't do his jobs.
Diy: he ma ages me.
Cooking: I'm a recalcitrant waitress.
Cleaning: we are both managers of our own areas. See also: gardening.

Praise should only used in conjunction with sarcasm.

Doesn't sound like the dream environment to bring a second child into 😬

And they are not all like this. My husband is a team mate who pulls his weight.

Strategic incompetence at its finest here.

Stop doing anything at all that will benefit him.

Wash only clothes that are put in the wash basket.

Don't change the loo roll. Wipe your own bits and put the loo roll back in the cupboard.

When he has no clean pants and can't wipe his arse, he will be sorry.

I would never ever have another one. I love this one, but if I had my time again, I would never live with one.

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

While I understand your emotional 'need' to be a mother again, you really are being extremely irresponsible to continue to try for another child when their father is basically a complete waste of space OP. Chances are, that in another couple of years you'll be back here, saying that he's an even bigger waste of space, and you can't stand it any longer, but how can't bear to break up the family.

Then you need to accept your DH's uselessness.

I understand. It is really difficult. You know what you want though, so you need to focus on your goal. Adjust your expectation in your head. You are on your own with parenting. Expect nothing from him, then he cannot let you down. Not relying on him will be good training for being on your own. That should hopefully reduce your resentment enough to keep you sane until splitting becomes more realistic.

He WILL NOT have a personality transplant when you have a second child. You therefore have to decide if this is what you want when you have 2 kids through all the challenges that brings from pregnancy right up to when they leave home and beyond. Before you type a post in 3 years time complaining about him, remember this moment when you knew exactly what he was but cracked on with trying for a second child anyway.

Oh.
So a sperm donor then.

Don't complain about how much more useless he will be with 2

Does he know why you still want him around, btw?

If he is so bad why on earth would you want more?

I don’t understand the first comment?
it is a donor actually as DH had cancer treatment after we got married.