To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

[sushiandarollie]

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

Your say means nothing.
‘To satisfy your own desire to have another child’ . I think you’ll find most people have more to satisfy their own needs , instinctually or natural longing / desire to carry another baby and bring another life into the world. Lot of people wouldn’t be in half the situation they are in (relying on benefits/food banks etc) if they only had one.
Maybe not, but I know I am better than a lot of people in how I bring up a child. I don’t see why someone who isnt particularly suitable to be a mother can breed like a rabbit. Whereas because I have to have IVF that I shouldn’t be allowed to have another more and not it’s ’morally wrong’.
it’s morally wrong a bad mother has more when they don’t look after what they have already.

my point about adoption was you seem to think people shouldn’t have children who aren’t biologically theirs.

would love to see your reaction if you had a child who’s friend in school happened to be from a donor due to cancer in their family. Wonder what they’d make of your mindset.

Just ignore people whose opinions are not worth discussing. The mode of conception is not an issue. It is the disaster of the marriage which is at issue.

Back to your original question then OP. From what I can gather based on my own experience (married with an 11yo) and ready on MN, the majority of fathers do a fair-ish amount of parenting and housework.

Are you going to tell your DH he needs to step up, then accept what his response is regardless?

@sushiandarollie

I don't have a problem with anyone adopting a child if they have a stable home life and the means to raise the child to be healthy and happy.

I do have a problem with someone bringing a new life into the world when they know fine well the family dynamic isn't right. You want a child no matter what, you've said you're "desperate." Even though you are seething with resentment about your husband and posting about how angry he makes you and that you don't trust him to look after your children's basic needs, you still want another child in that situation.

I feel sorry for your husband. You need therapy to work out why you so badly want a child with someone who makes you so angry.

Your bar for what constitutes a good reason to have a child is also very low. It's got nothing to do with IVF. If you could conceive naturally it would still be morally wrong. Sort your life out with your husband before you have another child.

I'll quote my previous post

I disagree with what you are doing morally as well, but this is beside the point

The method of creating this child aside, yes it is the shitshow of a marriage that is the problem. A child shouldn't be brought into this whether naturally conceived or adopted is irrelevant. OP doesn't want to hear that. She wants a child no matter what.

I don't need to have children to know that they shouldn't be deliberately born into toxic relationships 🙄

I don't need to have children to know that they shouldn't be deliberately born into toxic relationships 🙄

@sushiandarollie "But DH doesn’t do gardening or DIY either! If it needs to get done, either it’s down to me or I end up asking whether DH will or it doesn’t get done…"

Please don't come back in a year or so saying you have a newborn and looking for advice on what to do about the fact your husband does nothing. He's shown you he does nothing. You can decide to have another or not in that knowledge.

Hopefully she made him prove it before she got pregnant. One of my friends took this approach. Told her useless DH exactly what he needed to do for at least a year before she was willing to try to conceive. None of this’ I will step up when the baby is here.’

OP, tell him what you expect him to do and what will happen if he doesn’t. Ideally the consequences will fall on him. I made it clear that clothes dropped on the floor do not find their way to the washing machine. They will be chucked into the bottom of his wardrobe. You only need to implement this for a short period to drive the message home. Start with his laundry and all his side of the family’s birthdays and Christmas.

🤣👏 Love the prison part