To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

[sushiandarollie]

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

Because i would love more, for me. I always dreamed of 3, have 1 and would love a sibling for my DC

Sounds like you'd be better off having a kid by yourself. What kind of parent forgets that their kid needs their teeth brushed at bedtime? Has he never put them to bed before? Does he just not care about their wellbeing or just knows you'll step in to pick up the slack?

It’s not all about you though is it? Seriously if this guy is a shit husband and father you would be mad to have another child with him.

Change your behaviour towards him. Do not accept it, do not let it slide. Get angry. Past cancer doesn’t mean he can’t get his child to brush their teeth. He either starts doing the responsible thing, or he gets out. When he sees you are serious about this, and being lazy is no longer the easier option (because you won’t take it), he has a chance to step up.

I empathise but by continuing on your IVF journey as a family rather than alone you are effectively communicating to him that you are quite ok to accept this level of incompetence and there will be no consequence for him to continue like this.

Then you should accept that you'll be doing it on your own.

Are you happy to do that?

He won't change

Do you need him financially?

Is that why you haven't given him an ultimatum?

Because what do you plan to do knowing he won't step up?

Just knows I’ll pick up the slack; I have to get into a habit of reminding him to brush but I forgot to remind him and he doesn’t use initiative without me reminding. I take on the whole mental load as well as working part time ; housework; food shop; any birthdays etc

I work part time, and live comfortably but we do need both incomes for the mortgage/ car/ bills etc

Cancer ; still on 3 monthly checks /scans

Sounds like he’s ALWAYS been a laid back and whenever type of person

no idea why you ever expected him to change

He was lazy then, and he's lazy now. I think it's pretty simple to expect that with an additional child he'll still be lazy, except it'll be worse as you'll be doing all the extra work while he gets lazier.

Please don't bring another child into this shitshow of a marriage.

I'd be very very careful OP

He isn't engaged with your current child - the one who he is biologically related to. Do you actually think he'll step up when another child comes along - one that - let's be honest here - isn't is and is only legally classed as the father because you are married?

I'm not trying to be harsh here - I had to have a lot of IVF for a second child - ex husband left when they were babies citing how they were conceived as the issue and his lack of engagement ...and they biologically are his

In my experience lazy uninvolved parents with 1 become even less so with 2

I get the desperate need to have another child here but be prepared to do it alone

But you have 2 dc already.. A toddler and a teenager...

I would like to day your DH may be having fatigue due to his cancer/ treatment but you said he was a lazy arse before.
If you choose to have more kids with him, be prepared to do everything yourself and be angry and resentful.

Your DH doesn't have to do anything because you do everything and he knows if he leaves it long enough you will do it. So maybe just yry and let go for enough time so he has no choice?

In his head, chores and childcare are womens work, you are nothing but staff. Have an exit fund and plan, even if it is for 3 years down the road. Save and hide every penny. Give yourself a year to leave by, if you have had a baby by then, good, if not you have to accept it is not going to happen. He will never change.

It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they really, really don’t care, and therefore they can’t be arsed.

I suggest you hand over all food related duties to your H.

Meal planning, shopping, cooking, clearing up.

You stand back and let it be a shit show for as long as takes for him to learn and do it properly.

What's even the point of this post if you're set on having another baby anyway? You just want to vent? Obviously everyone's going to tell you he won't change because they never do and inevitably you will end up getting divorced. But you're not going to listen and you're just proceeding anyway. So genuinely what's the point of this post, what do you want people to tell you?

I don't agree with what I'm about to say but to avoid it affecting your child, make a list and stick it on the bathroom door / mirror / wherever he'll see it.

*Bath
*Clean pyjamas
*Bottle of milk (lukewarm)
*Clean teeth
*Story
*Song
*Light out

It's pathetic. But he'll have no excuse about 'forgetting'.

The older I get the absolute draining of respect for men...

They're not all like that. Raise your standards. Having another baby with him is a terrible idea.

My DH has always pulled his weight (properly, mental load too, not just doing as he's told). Now I've got incurable cancer he's having to do the vast majority. I can't imagine going through this with a useless man child.

Yep.
They can, and they do, cos they know muggins will always be there to clean up after them, and sort things out. No matter how decent they are, there’s always something they just cannot be arsed to do, and lump it on top of the endless pile of shit that Mum has to deal with!

It’s like when they don’t put a new toilet roll on the holder, or replace empty bottles in the bathroom, and leave all the empty ones on the side of the bloody bath. How hard is it, really?! 😫

What?

It took me a long time to come round to having a second child, because my birth was very traumatic

But when I got there DS was sufficiently old enough for me to understand, kind of father he had

He was everything to every other child, the best, uncle dedicated, hard-working, man and loving partner

But a fucking diss interested father who never put him first, could never see him as a child and put the world was like from his view, did not get involved with any actual parenting. Thought out processes would not think went to brush your teeth, and even though we have a teenager, he hasn't got a fucking clue of the day to day, kind of parenting although he knows he shares interest with him he's more involved in his life it's not the same as understanding life from a Childs point of view we even had a psychologist say yes but two adults syndrome he just thinks a child should understand everything on the first go like an adult would and he has no interest in really understanding how a child grows loves, and experiences the world and needs you to brush their fucking teeth.

He showed me who he was as a father, and I decided to have no more children

It still hurts me know, decade later

Be very careful and make sure this is the father, your want for more children. The father you have now will not change with more children.

But be assured that if you don't have children because of him, you will hold it against him in your heart

It's a difficult thing to really think about, but he will not fucking change and it's beyond your ability to make him care when he doesn't