Page 4 | To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

sushiandarollie · 2025-02-28T21:06:31+00:00

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

CannotBelieveImAskingThis · 01/03/2025 15:47

SweetBabyCheesus · 28/02/2025 21:09

To be honest OP, I can't even get into this discussion, because it drives me to rage.

Mine is one of the decent ones, and even he is shit. They do it because they can, and they're all fucking useless. There.

I'd argue that he isn't one of the decent ones then.

OP I am currently in the baths having some 'me' time. My husband insisted that I should. I can hear them playing together downstairs with lots of laughter.

Day-to-day DH vacuums far more than I do, and picks up around the house more than me too. He sees when the washing basket is full, and puts a wash and dry on.

If I died tomorrow, my DC would still have an incredible, hands on parent. He knows when nap time is, and why. He brushes their teeth. He bathes them. Currently, he has a day off with them in the week and it's his favourite day. They go to the park together, go for coffee shop dates, and other fun things.

The only thing that would change would be their dress. He absolutely no sense of colours and would probably buy garish, bright, mismatched outfits thinking that he's done well 😂

OP. Think carefully about having another child with this man. Men can be equal fathers and husbands with women.

ButIDontLikePeas · 01/03/2025 16:08

You've had a bit of a hard time on this thread, OP, but i can tell you right now that having a second child can test even a good marriage to its limits. Dont believe the "oh they just slot in to family life" - they dont. It is hard managing two kids and really hard on the eldest child who obviously has a lot of emotions to work through. And if you are harbouring resentment before a second child comes along, it will be so so hard. Your update says you already have a 4month window for the IVF but if you are successful then you still have another 9months before baby is born. You need to talk to your DH - would he be open to some couples therapy? Or sit down and list together every single household job that needs doing and then divide them up. My DD2 (11mo) is a nightmare sleeper and to allow me to get her off to sleep, my DH cooks dinner every night, washes up, cleans the kitchen, sorts out the bins so I don't have to do any of that. On a weekend, we try to split evenly between kids, housework and time alone. Don't get me wrong - he has his faults (including amount of time he spends in the bathroom) but to give him his dues, he absolutely stepped up when DD2 came along.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2025 16:17

sushiandarollie · 01/03/2025 13:33

Advice what to do or solidarity that it’s not just me or that maybe it’s me that needs to change /do something. My friends husbands seem not as lazy so I can’t ask them advice .
it’s more a donor has been chosen, it’s all paid for and we have a 4 month timeframe to use the donor and do treatment (from the clinic) so the wheels are already in motion

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And you need him to afford to live afterwards...

There is no reason for him to step up

Cynic17 · 01/03/2025 16:24

financialcareerstuff · 01/03/2025 14:28

Sorry OP. Generally I am very sympathetic to women carrying most of the load and it gives me the rage. However, there's something about your post that makes me feel sorry for your DH.

First the facts. He works full time and is an active father, a pleasant, caring guy, and sounds like he does atleast some stuff on top, if passively. So not totally uncontributing or useless. And he's been through cancer. That's a huge, traumatic deal. And if it's just a year later, and he's lost his fertility... probably both physical and psychological damage he's still dealing with.

Then there is your tone. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you like or respect him or care what he wants at all. You are basically keeping him around because you are obsessively committed to getting another child for yourself. And you are going to a sperm donor for it. I wonder how much voice he has had in any of this and how he truly feels? His job is basically to provide shelter and income for you to pursue your dream for more children, which won't even be his biologically? I may be totally wrong, but if he already feels dragged along on this ivf/ sperm donor journey, which is for you not him, while trying to recover from cancer, while working full time and being a good, loving dad. Well, frankly, I can understand why he might lack the energy or will to also do housework the way you want.

You don't sound like you have much interest or caring about his needs or emotional situation at all? You certainly haven't mentioned his desire for a further child or how he is, etc.... ?

Absolutely this. I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for the husband, tbh. The poor guy has been through a tough time, and seems to be valued only for his salary.
Just because the wife desperately wants another baby, doesn't mean it's a good idea to have one.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/03/2025 16:25

In remission. Does that mean he had cancer? Was it relatively recent?

Original poster

sushiandarollie · 01/03/2025 16:29

ForeverPombear · 01/03/2025 14:04

Did the type of cancer he had have anything to do with his brain? or could affect his memory? That's the only possible excuse I can think of.

No not in the slightest, he had surgery and radiotherapy, no lasting effects

OP posts:

IButtleSir · 01/03/2025 16:29

sushiandarollie · 01/03/2025 10:08

I don’t understand the first comment?
it is a donor actually as DH had cancer treatment after we got married.

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She meant that you're treating your husband as a sperm donor.

SapphOhNo · 01/03/2025 16:35

You're a fool to have another child in this situation.

Original poster

sushiandarollie · 01/03/2025 16:36

financialcareerstuff · 01/03/2025 14:28

Sorry OP. Generally I am very sympathetic to women carrying most of the load and it gives me the rage. However, there's something about your post that makes me feel sorry for your DH.

First the facts. He works full time and is an active father, a pleasant, caring guy, and sounds like he does atleast some stuff on top, if passively. So not totally uncontributing or useless. And he's been through cancer. That's a huge, traumatic deal. And if it's just a year later, and he's lost his fertility... probably both physical and psychological damage he's still dealing with.

Then there is your tone. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you like or respect him or care what he wants at all. You are basically keeping him around because you are obsessively committed to getting another child for yourself. And you are going to a sperm donor for it. I wonder how much voice he has had in any of this and how he truly feels? His job is basically to provide shelter and income for you to pursue your dream for more children, which won't even be his biologically? I may be totally wrong, but if he already feels dragged along on this ivf/ sperm donor journey, which is for you not him, while trying to recover from cancer, while working full time and being a good, loving dad. Well, frankly, I can understand why he might lack the energy or will to also do housework the way you want.

You don't sound like you have much interest or caring about his needs or emotional situation at all? You certainly haven't mentioned his desire for a further child or how he is, etc.... ?

Believe me I have been there with him through all the cancer treatment, he was very practical about it and I took the emotion of it. It was extremely difficult, stressful for us all and we pulled together as a unit of 3 and I’m proud that he got through it.
i didn’t say he didn’t want another. He definitely wants more children (we both wanted 3 originally due to us both having small unsupportive families growing up) and has sadness that we have to go through ivf for it (issues with both of us) . Any potential child will not share either of our DNA.

OP posts:

WeekendFreedom · 01/03/2025 16:40

ItGhoul · 01/03/2025 13:52

Then you need to accept that you are essentially using a man you appear to actively dislike and resent as a sperm donor. This is what you have chosen.

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He isn’t being used as a sperm donor, they are using a sperm donor

Moonnstars · 01/03/2025 16:48

It's hard to know what you want from this post.
It sounds like he is set in his ways, and you say overall he is a good parent and you desperately need him to be there (for the income I presume) of having another child.
If he isn't willing to step up now, having another child is going to just add to your workload. If you are that desperate for another child and happy to do that then you just have to grin and bear it. If that is too much, then like others, I don't think having another child is a good idea.

SweetBabyCheesus · 01/03/2025 17:52

CannotBelieveImAskingThis · 01/03/2025 15:47

I'd argue that he isn't one of the decent ones then.

OP I am currently in the baths having some 'me' time. My husband insisted that I should. I can hear them playing together downstairs with lots of laughter.

Day-to-day DH vacuums far more than I do, and picks up around the house more than me too. He sees when the washing basket is full, and puts a wash and dry on.

If I died tomorrow, my DC would still have an incredible, hands on parent. He knows when nap time is, and why. He brushes their teeth. He bathes them. Currently, he has a day off with them in the week and it's his favourite day. They go to the park together, go for coffee shop dates, and other fun things.

The only thing that would change would be their dress. He absolutely no sense of colours and would probably buy garish, bright, mismatched outfits thinking that he's done well 😂

OP. Think carefully about having another child with this man. Men can be equal fathers and husbands with women.

Edited

Show quote history

Oh, he really is. I get loads of me time, he runs me baths, runs my feet, cooks sometimes. I love him. But he forces me into a place where I find myself giving direction. As I have said to him, many MANY times - I'm not a fucking project manager. The bloke is 50 years old. We both have grown up children. It's pure laziness and entitlement, and I know the odd one pulls their weight - but they are very few and far between, ime.

SweetBabyCheesus · 01/03/2025 17:53

In fact, if I ever leave him, that will be the reason. Imagine pure laziness losing you the love of your life.

justanothercrapbedtime · 01/03/2025 20:31

Any potential child will not share either of our DNA.

That's even worse

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:37

I don’t understand these marriages.

Why do I keep hearing women say their partner is useless and lazy…and they marry them and have multiple children with them.

Like….why?!

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:42

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

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Ok I get why you are sticking around for the second but you have to accept you have chosen a useless man and he won’t be changing from
who he was before you had kids.

Just plan on how you intend to manage it by yourself.

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:54

sushiandarollie · 01/03/2025 10:08

I don’t understand the first comment?
it is a donor actually as DH had cancer treatment after we got married.

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So if you used an actual sperm donor what is the point of your useless husband?

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:59

GreyCarpet · 01/03/2025 15:08

From his perspective, you married him knowing this was how it would be. You accepted him as he was. Why would he change now?

This!!

JHound · 01/03/2025 21:01

justanothercrapbedtime · 01/03/2025 20:31

Any potential child will not share either of our DNA.

That's even worse

Why?

It’s just like adopting a child.

CantHoldMeDown · 01/03/2025 21:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Tourmalines · 01/03/2025 21:17

financialcareerstuff · 01/03/2025 14:28

Sorry OP. Generally I am very sympathetic to women carrying most of the load and it gives me the rage. However, there's something about your post that makes me feel sorry for your DH.

First the facts. He works full time and is an active father, a pleasant, caring guy, and sounds like he does atleast some stuff on top, if passively. So not totally uncontributing or useless. And he's been through cancer. That's a huge, traumatic deal. And if it's just a year later, and he's lost his fertility... probably both physical and psychological damage he's still dealing with.

Then there is your tone. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you like or respect him or care what he wants at all. You are basically keeping him around because you are obsessively committed to getting another child for yourself. And you are going to a sperm donor for it. I wonder how much voice he has had in any of this and how he truly feels? His job is basically to provide shelter and income for you to pursue your dream for more children, which won't even be his biologically? I may be totally wrong, but if he already feels dragged along on this ivf/ sperm donor journey, which is for you not him, while trying to recover from cancer, while working full time and being a good, loving dad. Well, frankly, I can understand why he might lack the energy or will to also do housework the way you want.

You don't sound like you have much interest or caring about his needs or emotional situation at all? You certainly haven't mentioned his desire for a further child or how he is, etc.... ?

Agree . Poor bloke .

Whatthefuck3456 · 01/03/2025 21:36

Many classic sighs of inattentive adhd

jacks11 · 01/03/2025 22:11

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

Show quote history

Then you are every bit as bad as he is! You are being just as selfish as he is, but in a different way. And more calculated.

He is lazy/thoughtless and you don’t appear to like him, far less love him. You view him with utter contempt. You do not think he is a good father. You don’t think he is a good husband. You don’t seem to want a relationship with him. All quite possibly totally fair. And certainly, it seems like he has his failings.

However, you have chosen not to have a serious discussion (or another one, possibly) with your husband about the fact you aren’t happy and this relationship is not working for you, perhaps looking at ways you could work on it (if you want to). If you don’t want to address your problems, or work on your relationship- or, if you have tried and he won’t make changes/work on the relationship and you’ve had enough- then you should end your relationship. It really is that simple- work on it together, or if you both/one of you can’t or won’t do that, end it and move on.

Don’t bring a child into this mess, it’s not fair to them or the child you have. They will pick up on your resentment and contempt for their father. They will see his lack of effort. None of you will be happy. Or you are bringing them into a family which you already know will be split because you intend to leave him the minute you get what you want.

Altogether, it’s a pretty despicable way to treat your husband- even if he isn’t perfect/- you are simply using him to have a child when you don’t want to be in a relationship with him/actively dislike him (but presumably haven’t told him the extent of your negative feelings?). You are using him to get what you what you want- another child- without him having full knowledge of your feelings towards him (or possible intent- ? To leave as soon as you have a baby). That’s not the kind of thing you use another person to achieve if you have any integrity. It’s just wrong- use a sperm donor if you must- at least they are aware of what they are signing up for. I’m sorry if this seems harsh- but I think using another person (especially someone you must have at least cared for at some point if you chose to marry him) to have a child is wrong.

I’m not saying he is without fault- it certainly sounds like he has the fair share of blame in this failing relationship, and is clearly not always treating you well and supporting you as you need. But I think what you are doing is worse.

Yeoldlondoncheese · 01/03/2025 22:25

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

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Yet another innocent child will be brought into a shitshow of a relationship because a woman was so ‘desperate” for another.

tothelefttotheleft · 01/03/2025 23:00

PangolinPan · 28/02/2025 21:38

My DP was the one pushing for a second baby and eventually I said I'm happy to go for it but you are going to have to massively step up. And he did.

But what if he hadn't?