To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

[sushiandarollie]

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

I’m not sure how you have come to the conclusion I don’t love him from me talking about the lack of chores …. extreme reaction …
I have said he’s a good father.
It’s a two way street, there’s no point me having all the conversations in the world/ all the counselling when at the end of the day the change is coming from him….
Im not using him for a child then leaving. Im worried about the load onto me if we have another, is it fair for me to be forced to do all the chores, daily life admin because it’s too much for him to try to help?
I have my faults but I don’t see how trying to work/maintain a clean stable life , doing everything chores wise/admin/ all the cleaning so we live in a nice house is me being an awful person

If you are worried about the load on you then having another child won't help, and that is what people are trying to help you understand.
Reading a lot of posts on here generally it seems if a man isn't helping now that isn't going to suddenly change.
You need to accept that you do everything and get the child you want, or you need to be content with what you already have and know that is your limit of what you can cope with.

Have you had couples counselling about this? Is it definitely want DH wants too? Have you talked to adult children of sperm donors about their experience of this?
What will you do if it doesn't work out?

The cancer will likely have had psychological and physical affects on DH the way it sounds like in your posts minimised that makes me feel quite uncomfortable.

It all sounds like a tough situation...to bring a second child into that..could increase the difficulty.

Either way emotion support for you both might help work out how you can work things better together.

Do not underestimate the effects radiotherapy has on the body. Chronic fatigue is extremely common. The guy is less than a year out and working full time. I’d be surprised if he has the capacity for anything else. Yet here he is playing with his child. Doing some house work. Under normal circumstances I’d be calling him a useless waste of space too. But I know first hand what radiotherapy does to you. So I’d cut him some slack. Even working full time a year after that is an achievement

I agree people suffer from the effects of cancer treatment , I’ve seen it in family members. But in DH case, he hasn’t felt any side effects - he’s certainly not got any fatigue . He happily gets up and about with work/ hobbies/ meeting friends. It’s not that he’s tired or fatigued, he just rather sits watching football or sport than say tidying up the kitchen. Which is fine but then nothing is done ever, as in every week I find myself being the only one to sort food, clean house, do washing, tidy up etc.
He would say he’s no effect at all. I would say he’s a little different psychologically- as in not as positive a person as he used to be as and is maybe less trusting of Doctors in general

its not the donor that’s an issue, situation would be same whether it was genetically ours or not. Difference being we are going through tough process of ivf rather than the usual way

Yes I agree exactly I think , am I at my limit of coping or can I learn to let things go I suppose is what I’m trying to figure out .
I feel lonely and do find it difficult trying to do it all.

What is it you want from this thread?

Obviously it's a terrible idea to bring another child into this unhappy relationship but you're going to plough on regardless because you having another child is obviously more important than that child's quality of life in an unhappy home. Plus it's two children to be neglected by your husband instead of just one.

See you in a years time when you're juggling a toddler and a newborn on your own.

I’d love to know which of you have perfect marriages based on your answers….

Not perfect by any means, but we also don't have children so we're not bringing any innocent lives into the world either.

🙋🏼‍♀️

Me? I have a perfect marriage. I am recovering from cancer right now and my dh has tirelessly taken care of me. Also he was an excellent husband and father to our two children.

But this is besides the point. Your dh is going through something horrendous (the cancer and recovery—scans every three months is very frightening)—and you are too. The IVF is exhausting snd, to a certain extent, demeaning and demoralizing as neither if you get to have an uncomplicated and natural relationship with procreation. This is actually a really traumatic year or two or three for your little family.

Stop focusing on the small stuff. You are just distracting and sublimating the anxiety you feel about everything snd placing it on your dh eho may be dissociated and avoiding existential dread by watching football instead of pulling his weight with chores.

Go ahead snd have the second baby you want so badly. But don’t be surprised that your little family drifts apart. You are treating him as surplus to requirement rather than the love of your life. you don’t even need him for the baby production! How lonely is that for him?

Of you do love him try to remember that fact and try to find ways to reattach to him rather than resent him for not being perfect. He is just a very young man who has had two significant knocks to his self esteem—the can er snd infertility are hugely existential crises for anyone—man or woman. Try to have a little empathy.

Go ahead snd have the second baby you want so badly. But don’t be surprised that your little family drifts apart. You are treating him as surplus to requirement rather than the love of your life. you don’t even need him for the baby production! How lonely is that for him?

I agree with this, it's so fucked up. I don't agree with surrogacy to begin with, but this situation is extra levels of nope.

I think you need therapy for your desire for a second child OP as it's completely overriding everything else, and all sensible and logical thought processes. You should be working on your marriage, not creating a baby that isn't biologically either of yours and taking it from its mother.

If you don’t have children you won’t understand my question in any way

OP I found it really hard when I went from one child to two. I was left dealing with them both alot due to my husbands job and struggled. It is a massive jump in terms of how much physical and mental load it adds. You will not want to be absorbing all that yourself so please think carefully about what conversations you are going to have with your husband prior to trying for the next baby, to ensure he will pick up more of the slack.

I don't think many people will claim to have a perfect marriage but I would say our roles are shared in our household:
I work part time, DH full time.
I do the school admin and keep on track of things like that. I also do the school run every day. I do the supermarket shop, meal planning and most of the cooking. In terms of organising bills, I sort the water bill, internet, home insurance, travel insurance and my own car.
DH deals with gas/electricity and his car. He does the gardening and will do any DIY and maintenance/car related stuff.
I take the children to one club each week, he takes them to the other club they attend.
He probably does more cleaning than me because he is better at it, though I will nip round with the hoover.
Overall I would say things in the home are generally shared, so if that's what you mean by perfect then maybe we do have that.

Taking a child from its mother? Explain that one….
it’s not about whether we share the same DNA….
Unsure why that has anything to do with the point of the question. Whether a child is biologically ours or not doesn’t change whether DH does more chores!! You either have no children or are a bit naive to the reality of infertility that unfortunately a lot of us go through…

Exactly and I read that and think that’s fair. But DH doesn’t do gardening or DIY either! If it needs to get done, either it’s down to me or I end up asking whether DH will or it doesn’t get done…

Your dh is, apparently, not much good at stuff. So decide whether you can tolerate that or not. You picked him but you aren’t stuck with him. If you made a mistake then toss him overboard and go it alone.

@sushiandarollie

I have misread and thought you were using a surrogate. I disagree with surrogacy on moral grounds. I disagree with what you are doing morally as well, but this is beside the point as you won't be interested in hearing about that anyway. All you want is another baby.

I have a 3 year old, as do you. You are insisting on a second child which requires donor sperm and egg and the immensely stressful process of IVF despite an unhappy marriage.

I cannot comprehend why you would want to have another child with a man you say "irritates me so much", "winds you up", and makes you "so angry", let alone needing to go to extreme measures to get said child.

I think your husband comes second to your need for another child, even to the point of having one without either of your biological make-up. That strikes me as a couple who should be in therapy, not trying to bring a new life into this mess.

Totally agree

You can have your opinion on the question asked, I want to read people’s views but I definitely don’t want to hear some up-ones-arse opinion on infertility choices from someone who hasn’t been through it and doesn’t have a say. I have a great job, live in an affluent area and can bring up a child whose DNA doesn’t match mine much better than the k-head who’s got 5 ‘biological’ kids on a council estate 👍

Oh and do you have that opinion on adoption? They won’t be biologically related….oh to be so narrow minded

You can have your opinion on the question asked, I want to read people’s views but I definitely don’t want to hear some up-ones-arse opinion on infertility choices from someone who hasn’t been through it and doesn’t have a say. I have a great job, live in an affluent area and can bring up a child whose DNA doesn’t match mine much better than the k-head who’s got 5 ‘biological’ kids on a council estate

Of course I have a say. I have a say on anything I like.

Your job and where you stay have no bearing on the morality of bringing a child into the world to satisfy your own desire to have another baby in your circumstances. You can shout about how much better you are than someone on a council estate, but you're not really selling yourself as an advert for the picture perfect family.

You have a child already. Maybe you should work on your relationship with your husband for that child's sake instead of being utterly determined to bring another life into this family dynamic.

Oh and do you have that opinion on adoption? They won’t be biologically related….oh to be so narrow minded

An adopted child already exists in the world and needs a family to raise them. You are creating a child from the DNA of two other people because you want to satisfy your need to have another baby. I imagine it's because you're not happy in your marriage, but that's no reason to bring a child into your misery. Therapy is a better option. Perhaps when you've worked through your issues as a couple you could look into adoption since you're keen to argue that it's so similar to donor eggs and sperm.