To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

[sushiandarollie]

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

I'm old so jaded but in my experience lazy men never change. They give no fucks. On my partners grave stone I'm going to have the words "I did the hoovering for you" because that will be the reason I clubbed him to death.

Advice what to do or solidarity that it’s not just me or that maybe it’s me that needs to change /do something. My friends husbands seem not as lazy so I can’t ask them advice .
it’s more a donor has been chosen, it’s all paid for and we have a 4 month timeframe to use the donor and do treatment (from the clinic) so the wheels are already in motion

Thank you. You’ve articulated exactly how I feel about my DH. Great dad and provider but a bit hopeless at house work really.

It’s driving me mad, but I think I’ve brought it upon myself to some extent and now it’s too difficult to change as any comment is seen as nagging.

Sorry OP, they really take a mile if you give them an inch.

He’s great with our DC , loving and kind, plays, but maybe not a great husband to me with the daily grind of bringing up our DC….its not that he’s an arsehole in general to everyone

Also I feel like I am being mean….who leaves a loving man a year after them going through cancer treatment in their early thirties ….

😂😂

Yes.

OP, there's no point in having another child with him.
😐

I totally get what you are saying OP.

My DH is the same. It’s like he’s only got so much bandwidth to do things and if he spends time with the kids, he won’t help around the house as much. Which is rubbish because these things need doing anyway, it just means that I’m the one having to do it 🙄

Still haven’t found a solution, but I feel your pain.

Edited to add that, while I occasionally feel that my life would be easier without him, it wouldn’t really. If he’s a good dad and provider, reliable, loving and respectful in every other way, maybe it’s not as bad as leaving. There are a lot of bad men out there. I need to vent occasionally, but I wouldn’t leave my husband over who’s done the hoovering.

But who expects their wife to do all of the donkey work? While they just do the fun stuff

Exactly this. Please stop with the IVF, because you need to sort out your life before even thinking about another baby.

okay,.... so he's luckily in remission from cancer. That's great. But yes, he will have to step up.
Draw up a chart with all the days of the week on it.
Under each day put all the tasks he has to do.
At the end of each row - put an empty box where you tick off whether he has done it or not.
Do that for about three months, he should be trained by then.

What kind of loving man leaves their wife to do everything, even if they have had cancer?

I don’t understand how some men live alone, working, cooking and cleaning, as well as going to the gym, having a social life and dating etc.

Yet these married men act like they’re incompetent.

Honestly, I just don’t believe it.

I don’t believe men are this incapable.

I think they know that the more they do, the more they’ll have to do.

If they act stupid or do a bad job, they know it will just get done for them.

Then you need to accept that you are essentially using a man you appear to actively dislike and resent as a sperm donor. This is what you have chosen.

I think you can ask the women whose husbands step up for advice. If there is anyone who has good advice it could be them

Up to you, but there's a very little point of him.

I'm afraid it sounds like he needs to change, not you... Also afraid it sounds like many of us can't help because our husbands do more and we wouldn't accept them if they acted the same way.

Did the type of cancer he had have anything to do with his brain? or could affect his memory? That's the only possible excuse I can think of.

Tale as old as time, I’m afraid OP.

Assuming you have already spoken to him about this many times, he is unlikely to change. As a last ditch attempt, you could try couples counselling.
Maybe after such a huge life hurdle he is feeling ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ and is still rather more focused on himself and his own wellbeing than on you.

You could set a time-frame to try and improve things. Maybe a year? The couples counselling might help?

But if all else fails, if you want to stay with him, you will have to make peace with the way he is. “You can’t change people” is a well worn cliche for a reason.

Is it fair? No. Is it reality for many couples? Yes.

Sorry OP. Generally I am very sympathetic to women carrying most of the load and it gives me the rage. However, there's something about your post that makes me feel sorry for your DH.

First the facts. He works full time and is an active father, a pleasant, caring guy, and sounds like he does atleast some stuff on top, if passively. So not totally uncontributing or useless. And he's been through cancer. That's a huge, traumatic deal. And if it's just a year later, and he's lost his fertility... probably both physical and psychological damage he's still dealing with.

Then there is your tone. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you like or respect him or care what he wants at all. You are basically keeping him around because you are obsessively committed to getting another child for yourself. And you are going to a sperm donor for it. I wonder how much voice he has had in any of this and how he truly feels? His job is basically to provide shelter and income for you to pursue your dream for more children, which won't even be his biologically? I may be totally wrong, but if he already feels dragged along on this ivf/ sperm donor journey, which is for you not him, while trying to recover from cancer, while working full time and being a good, loving dad. Well, frankly, I can understand why he might lack the energy or will to also do housework the way you want.

You don't sound like you have much interest or caring about his needs or emotional situation at all? You certainly haven't mentioned his desire for a further child or how he is, etc.... ?

Came on to say exactly the same thing.

These sorts of posts and the wave of LTB responses always leave me feeling ill at ease.

From his perspective, you married him knowing this was how it would be. You accepted him as he was. Why would he change now?

@Wishyouwerehere50 "I ponder often whether it's a can't or whether it's a won't. I don't know the answer and wonder if we ever will."

Of course it's a won't. How can it possibly be can't??

Ok, so you need to put a strategy into operation. Tell him first, and crack on with it.

From now on, you’re doing all your family birthdays and Christmas gifts. (You have to be strong on this one if you get on well with MIL. My DH gets one reminder and that’s it. So far, so good here.)

From now on, any clothes left on the floor will be chucked in the bottom of your wardrobe. They will not be washed by me. (Again, you need a plan in case it gets to the point that the wardrobe door won’t close. This would involve bin liners and his car boot- but it’s never got to that here.)

Childcare - I would deal with that, because my DC would not be allowed to suffer. I think I did most bedtimes in any case, but I can’t believe DH would ever have forgotten tooth brushing, baths and clean clothes, and he’s a better cook than I am.

You have to be willing to drop the rope on anything that does not inconvenience you or ideally not the DC either. But anything that inconveniences him - go for it.

I have a friend who ‘drove’ the message home. Her DH regularly ‘forgot’ to pick the DC up from activities or afterschool and she was always called and had to go.

She delivered the punishment when she ‘forgot’ to pick her husband up from where he’d dropped his car off for servicing. She ignored every single call and he spent the day there having to sit on a chair in the showroom trying to deal with emails on his phone. She made it clear that she would find ways to repeat this if he ever ‘forgot’ to pick the DC up again.