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Original poster

Flabbergasted - an indecent proposal!

148 replies

Arlanymor · 28/02/2025 18:17

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

OP posts:
NestaArcheron · 28/02/2025 18:20

You are 💯 looking for permission to go for it - at least be honest so people can give you their advice/opinions.

greencrab · 28/02/2025 18:21

Isn't that the story men who have affairs yet the AP?

FairBrickBiscuit · 28/02/2025 18:21

I bet he’s lying about the « permission » etc.

CrescentMoonLanding · 28/02/2025 18:24

I mean I think those kinds of arrangements do exist but this guy is married so I don't think you should do it.

Dollydaydream100 · 28/02/2025 18:25

greencrab · 28/02/2025 18:21

Isn't that the story men who have affairs yet the AP?

This, it's utter bollocks OP.

Maybe say "ok, but il run it by your wife first" and watch him shit himself?

Grannywasafanny · 28/02/2025 18:26

Permission. Aye ok 😂

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 28/02/2025 18:29

Message his wife to ask if she knows her husband is offering his penis to women.
If genuine he should happily pass on her phone number.

NewtonsCradle · 28/02/2025 18:30

Find someone available who treats you with respect. Being blunt: The difference between you and the hypothetical prostitute, in his mind, is that he wouldn't be out of pocket.

Silvertulips · 28/02/2025 18:33

At least prostitutes charge for their services, not if you want to give it away - crack on. No good will come of it.

Teado · 28/02/2025 18:33

It’s possible he’s telling the truth. I have a few middle aged friends in sexless relationships who have discreet flings with the partner turning a blind eye - or agreeing.

But he could be playing you. The feminist comment about prostitution sounds iffy tbh as if he’s trying to impress you.

I would go for the latter if I had to guess. But as I say, it could be true and it does occur.

Quailpen · 28/02/2025 18:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Quailpen · 28/02/2025 18:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

offmynut · 28/02/2025 18:36

I call bulllshit on this sorry are you sure your not already been doing the deed behind the wifes back and feel a bit guilty and trying to make it sound like its ok.

However if i am wrong why do it you spilt up for a reason let that stick either way if she agrees its still cheating just cheating with consent if he`s that hard up let him find someone else.
Dont be a toy for him to use.

BoeufBourguig · 28/02/2025 18:37

"...we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp."

I'm not a fan of the term red flag but blimey!! I don't speak to most of my friends that often 😁

AlmostCutMyHairToday · 28/02/2025 18:37

Ask to speak with his wife. Who knows, they might actually have this set up.

Devianinc · 28/02/2025 18:38

Arlanymor · 28/02/2025 18:17

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

So he’s looking to exploit you instead and it’s free. Win win for him. He’s not your friend. Yuck

Quailpen · 28/02/2025 18:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GoldMoon · 28/02/2025 18:40

So his wife suggested prostitution and he didn't fancy that so thought of you ! OMG , block him immediately !

FOJN · 28/02/2025 18:40

He's looking for an affair partner and thought you'd be gullible enough to believe he had his wife's blessing.

Please get a grip and some self respect.

ItGhoul · 28/02/2025 18:41

If I were in your position, I would happily take him up on it, but only if I could be absolutely certain that he was telling the truth, and I would need to hear that trufh from his wife.

Original poster
Arlanymor · 28/02/2025 18:42

Honestly I am not going to do it, it’s just the way he’s said it made me wonder if actually this is something people do but is just not talked about. Genuinely I am not going to do it - I want a nice relationship with a nice guy, not meaningless sex with an ex. As I said, it just came out of the blue and is bizarre!

I don’t know his wife but she knows that we are friends and if she ever wanted to look through his WhatsApp there is nothing on there for her to be worried about in the slightest. And I actually do trust that he has had these conversations with her - as I say, I have known him for a long time, and he is very straightforward.

As I say, it’s more baffled me than anything!

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/02/2025 18:44

But of course he's going to make it sound normal and as though it's something 'everyone does'! If he made it sound 'out there' and strange then it would reduce his chances of you going along with it. As it is, if you laughed or turned him down, he could pretend that it's you that's the problem - after all, everyone's doing it, it's you that's the prude.

madamweb · 28/02/2025 18:45

I would go "interesting suggestion, let me just run it by your wife to check she's definitely ok"

Because men love to spin the yarn that their marriage is sexless to women they think are gullible enough to believe it

madamweb · 28/02/2025 18:46

I'd also back away from the messaging, because it's clear that what you saw as platonic, he saw as "keeping his options open"

Crayfishforyou · 28/02/2025 18:47

So he thinks of you as a prostitute?
Nice.