Flabbergasted - an indecent proposal!

[Arlanymor]

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

If I read correctly you haven’t met him in person in 17 years? I would not be considering it even if his wife said so - you might be thinking you’re getting George Clooney and then Gerard Depardieu shows up. There’s just no way in hell.

I would also be checking with his wife that she’s okay with this. I doubt so.

He is obviously lying. I would use this as a reason to now step away from the friendship. He has been inappropriate and disrespectful.

He's telling you what you want to hear..
He just wants to bed you and his wife knows nothing what's so ever.
I bet he still sleeping with his wife.
He wants the best of both..
I bet she's had never said go find another woman, friends with benefits. He's a joke.

This is it. OP is the cheap option.

What made me laugh was his wife said he can have sex with a prostitute ‘once a month.’
The principle, the morals etc don’t matter - just the frequency-lol.
Or has his wife worked out that once a month can be met by their family budget?
That’s if she said this at all…🙄

This. He just wants to have an affair.

I think you should tell his wife. I think he’s probably lying about having her permission. So many men tell the lie of not having a sexual relationship with their wife anymore because to get another woman into bed. I also think you should back away from the friendship. As a PP said, you thought you were friends, he seems to have a rather different view of the situation.

Sounds like a selfish and entitled man. Why were you in so much contact with a married man in the first place? You should have been messaging with him in the first place

So his wife suggested a prostitute and he thought of you? Lovely 🙄

I got all excited thinking this was like the film and you’d be offered 1 million for a night and a moral and ethical dilemma would follow of epic mumsnet proportions.

Hey it’s totally ok to feel flattered that a man you enjoyed having sex with is still interested.
If you are tempted then I would suggest speaking to them as a couple before you take anything further- if this never happens then odds are he is just after a “ bit on the side “ again still flattering but something I would personally stay well clear of.

@DivorcedMumOfAdults your bar for ‘flattering’ is pretty low

It doesn't sound like he's saying he is still interested though. Just that he's looking for a shag once a month. That's why it's so disrespectful imho!

I think ENM is becoming increasingly common, especially in younger generations. DP and I have an open relationship which works very well for both of us. Not because we have a sexless relationship, far from it, but because we enjoy shagging other people too!

I wouldn’t jump to an immediate assumption that your friend is lying or wants to cheat. If you were considering his proposal, my advice would be to insist that you hear it firsthand from his wife. But, as you’re not entertaining the idea, there’s no need.

Hi OP.
Yes plenty of people have arrangements like this. Whatever works for them. It’s not a big deal.

I was also thinking this. I’d be a bit insulted by the proposal tbh, but I guess all he did was ask 💁🏼‍♀️

You message ex lovers????

I'd imagine it happens quite a bit. My parents are part of a large sports club. All sorts of affairs happened and turned a blind eye to. Totally ordinary people, not 70s rock stars. People are pragmatic and realise that sexual connections can fade where love doesn't and this (have the odd fling alongside) is one solution I suppose. I think things may have changed but I think it's the secrecy of affairs and the deception that's the issue not the shagging in and of itself.

In your case, I think it's sailing too close to the wind in terms of having a lot in common, you're friends. Pillow talk about Kierkegaard and your boss. Wondering whether things could be different. Thinking more and more about each other between meetups. Increased messaged.

I would leave it alone in this case as what his wife has permitted is just sex and I think you and your friend have much more than that already. I have a couple of great and valued friendships with exes and would never complicate them with sex regardless of why. Whether his and his wife's expectation is realistic isn't your problem but a sex worker and a good friend/ ex are two very different people to shag.

If you did proceed. Confirm his story with the wife.

Lots of people stay good friends with their exes. Surely this isn’t the first time you’ve encountered this? It’s not unusual.

I call BS.

My ex partner I get on great but we have children and grandchildren, not spoken to my ex wife in 35 years.

You're trying to convince yourself.

Talking of indecent proposals, I recently heard that some years ago a male neighbour told a new resident - a single woman in probably then mid 40s - that his wife was menopausal and refusing to sleep with him, so any time she fancied a good seeing-to…

I was frankly 😱 - we have long been well aware that said male neighbour is exceedingly dodgy in some respects, but largely from a legal/tax POV - his social manner was usually very civilised.