Flabbergasted - an indecent proposal!

[Arlanymor]

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

it’s just the way he’s said it made me wonder if actually this is something people do but is just not talked about.

You have literally never heard of or ever read anything like this happening in your whole life?

🙄

Delete all contact details and block.
His wife never uttered those words.
Don't be so stupid.

That’s another weird part of it - he doesn’t flirt with me, isn’t inappropriate. This is completely out of left field. I’ve not messaged him since he suggested it, other than to say: “Er no, that sounds weird.” He hasn’t responded since - neither to cajole me or to explain further. It’s got me a bit concerned that we can’t have a friendship going forward which would be a shame. I am honestly baffled - hence my posting on here to see if anyone had ever heard of anything like this before. Maybe I am a bit innocent and it’s happening all over the place!

This was probably in the mid 90's but someone I knew was responding to some of the ads in the Free Ads paper.

It was married women whose husbands either could or did not have sex with them any more. He said having them waiting outside in their car could be a bit off putting.

Ditto a former colleague who had a girl in every port and both the 'girls' and often their husbands as well were fully aware of what was happening but as far as the husbands were concerned it gave them a quiet life.

I’ve heard of affairs, I’ve heard of friends with benefits - I haven’t heard of these type of arrangements within marriages, no I genuinely haven’t. Hence my asking the question!

I actually told DH to go and find someone else to satisfy his needs.
Menopause, along with a couple of chronic illnesses meant, at the time, for several years he was living in an almost sexless marriage.
He didn’t, but I did tell him to instead of trying to entice me to have sex as I just had zero sex drive, so it does happen. 🤷🏼‍♀️

oh bollocks !

and for me that would be the end of the ' friendship '

you don't need him to discuss politics etc. find more / other friends.

He could very well be telling the truth, but, this is the type of bullshit men say to try and make the woman he's interested in, more likely to say yes! Have you met up in person within the last 17 years, you've been split or is this a purely a text/phone call type relationship? Does his wife know he's in contact with you, and the fact you were once an item? She may or may not be aware you exist? Even if you were to consider this proposal, you would need to know 100%, that his wife is aware of the arrangement and it's genuine. However, to me, it's opening Pandora's box of messy, that's likely to ultimately end your friendship.

No, not once.

Not sure how many couples have these arrangements behind closed doors. But I'd bet my house it's a fraction of the number of couples which contain men lying through their teeth that they're in a sexless marriage, can't leave for.. reasons...and their wife wouldn't mind them having sex with you.

If you were considering it I’d want to know what his wife really thinks of him asking YOU specifically. Maybe she did suggest he uses a prostitute but she might feel differently if she knows he’s asking to do it with an ex girlfriend who he has a good friendship with.

His poor wife probably has no idea she has suggested or agreed to any such thing. He's a sleazebag looking for an affair. He'll be hitting up every other woman he knows with the same ridiculous story. Even if it was true I would stay well away from any involvement with a married man.

@Arlanymor: "Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…"

I was wondering why you weren't totally appalled by his suggestion... until I got to the above paragraph.

This is an ego boost for you... He's probably lying about what his wife said - and thinks you're a good replacement for a prostitute.

Grim, all of it.

Send him box of tissues and then block him; do have some pride and self-respect OP

I think most married couples, by far, are monogamous.

(Well, aside from one or both partners having cheated at least once in half of all marriages, or whatever the current statistics are).

However, I've known of a few couples through the years who had a different arrangement, an "open marriage," to one extent or another.

I feel like it's frequently an attempt at a solution that's in between staying together (with one or both of them being miserable due to some type of sexual incompatibility) and breaking up. And why not have other options, if both partners are aware of it and agree to it.

So just to clarify rather responding directly to multiple messages.

• I have never met him since we split - we don’t even have phone calls, we just message a few times a week - like I do with plenty of other friends
• His wife does know about me, but I don’t know her - in fact a couple of years ago she asked him to ask me about a job she was thinking of going for as we work in similar industries - she didn’t contact me directly, she just wanted to ask about a company that I once worked for
• I have NOT slept with him since we broke up - neither have we flirted, sent photos, or done anything remotely inappropriate - neither do I intend to - to the person who told me to get some self-respect, I have plenty thanks
• I am not stupid, this is genuinely something I had never heard of before, hence my posting here to get other people’s - it doesn’t make me dumb that this hasn’t been part of my life experience to date - and the way you find out stuff is by asking questions - some people have been needlessly rude here… I have done absolutely nothing wrong in case you missed it?

Putting the pearl clutching to one side, do you want him?
Post this on the sex forum, you'll get more open minded replies

No he didn’t cheat on me. Where did you get that from? I explained why we broke up, it was nothing to do with cheating - you just made that up.

Yes he has been my friend for 17 years - like other friends!

She knows we are friends and that we message - I don’t know anything details beyond that.

WTF? We weren’t married! What are you blithering on about?!

I know several people, including myself, who practise ENM.

It isn't as uncommon as some wound think... But the E stands for ETHICAL.

So, in order for that to be the case there would need to be rules and boundaries on both sides. A big discussion re emotional vs sexual intimacy and I would also want either a phone call or a voice note from his wife confirming she knows and has okayed it.

If all those things happen and it's above board then there isn't anything wrong with it.

Only you can know whether either you or he would be the type to cross emotional boundaries.

The reason his wife suggested a sex worker, was to keep the chances of an emotional affair low.

He needs to discuss with her whether she would even be willing for him to see a non professional.
He can't just take the suggestion of a sex worker as free reign to find a FWB.
That isn't okay at all.