Flabbergasted - an indecent proposal!

[Arlanymor]

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

I would have been more impressed with the guy if he said, he is surprising his wife with a holiday to somewhere from their past that was special to them, or somewhere they wanted to visit and explore together, to rekindle their marriage. Instead, this guy is willing to see a sex worker and chase you for his good time. And you haven’t told him where to go?🤔

Goodness, how flattering that he thought of you to save spending money on prostitutes.

He must assume you've aged well in the 17 years since you saw him.

Yes, I thought the same.

wonder if his wife knows you communicate this much?

As most people have already said, the fact that he tells you he’d rather have you than a prostitute is so grim. Please come to your senses and stop thinking this is charming.

OP you have not laid eyes on this man in 17 years…

His wife does not know about you. You know nothing about him or his life other than what he has text you via WhatsApp. He’s told you his wife knows about you but you have zero proof of that. He’s told you he has her blessing to use sex workers. You have zero proof of that. It is so soooo easy for people to lie via WhatsApp. After 17 years he is a stranger to you, not a friend. A few WhatsApp messages about politics and literature are not the same as a real life friendship. You haven’t even spoken to him on the phone this whole time!

I'm completely confused by these replies. OP I too have an ex from that amount of time ago who is my friend, who I message regularly but who I haven't seen in 15 years. We didn't work as a couple because our values and lifestyles are incompatible. If we were both single I'd happily have a FWB arrangement with him, but I wouldn't if he were married. I'd be neither flattered nor offended to be propositioned by him, I think I'd feel exactly like you do!

I don't get all these "he prefers you to a prostitute, grim" comments. What's wrong with a casual sexual relationship with someone who you like as a person and fancy? In this case he's married, which is the problem.

I think that’s the story most married men tell women when they want to have affairs.

I know a lot of couples exactly like this - some want to know everything, others are more of a blind eye arrangement. I told my other half years ago that if my libido tanked when I hit menopause, he’d be welcome to fwbs if it meant I didn’t have to put out as much anymore 😂

I adore sleeping with him so I hope it doesn’t happen but if it does, that would work for both of us and take strain off the marriage. Some of us are just uber-pragmatic!

if she ever wanted to look through his WhatsApp there is nothing on there for her to be worried about

Well, there is now 😂

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

yaaaawn.

The Script.

end of.

Nothing wrong with an open relationship as long as everything is honest. She's totally asexual but he shouldn't have to live like that.

I would, assuming you know what he looks like now. He might have aged horribly in 17 years.

Not sure why everyone is jumping on you OP. I would be shocked too.

It does happen, OP. In fact, anything you could imagine happens in other people's sex lives - and many you couldn't. Humanity is astonishingly varied!

I should think the situation you've outlined is reasonably common in the general scheme of things. It often goes wrong when the 'sexless' partner finds they're not as detached as they thought and/or the venturing spouse gets emotionally involved with an extramarital partner. When you think about it, that's very likely to happen: sex creates bonds.

Other obvious difficulties arise when an extramarital partner turns out to be cheating, when an unattached partner gets into an exclusive relationship, and when a partner gets jealous of the spouse.

If your friend's story's true, I'd imagine his wife has considered all this and that's why she suggested a sex worker. I agree with your friend's objections to that but it's the surest way to avoid all of the above. Another solution would be to set up an arrangement with a friend whose husband has gone off sex and offered the same - that could still go wrong, though.

If he does stop contacting you, that will be quite a blow ... but you'd be able to comfort yourself with the thought that 17 years is a very lengthy grooming period, so he must've thought you worth the effort 😁

I don’t think his wife said go shag your ex girlfriend did she?! And with emotions and connections it would probably go very wrong.

I used to be an escort, had some good sex, and a couple of guys who treated me nicely. There were a few guys I enjoyed seeing. But I still shagged for money.
he wants you to act as a prostitution as he would feel better getting it for free? I don’t know who should be more insulted you or the prostitute.

Dump him.

Your discussions about literature? Is it always Madam Bovary?

Tell him where to go, I don't believe his wife said that.

This

Even if I wasn't interested, I'd be asking to run the idea past his wife.

His wife suggested a sex worker and he’s come to you to try and get it for free? Yeah that friendship is over.
In answer to your question, I don’t know if women say this to men. But I bet it’s even less likely they want to condone an affair with someone she’s asked for career advice from. Sounds like he’s realised the marriage won’t be physical anymore and he might have taken a flippant comment as a green light to go creep you out. Or he may have some weird kinks she’s tired with and that’s why she suggested it?
Run far and fast.

So you were his free counsellor before and now he wants you to be his free prostitute?

(I would also doubt his story without direct confirmation by his wife).

I actually feel, for me, the oddest thing is that you have not met each other in person for 17 years, yet message each other several times a week. I assume distance keeps you apart? The older I get, the more I come to think that face-to-face contact is an essential part of any human relationship (by which include friendship). I find, with messaging, there's more projection and the other person becomes a character in your mind more than a flesh-and-blood foreign being. Do you know what I mean?

So that's why it feels iffy to me that he's suggesting sex. He's not even seen you in nearly two decades... I'm sure he's seen pictures, and obviously you correspond with each other, so there's an intellectual connection and he's satisfied that you're still attractive... But without the lead-up of actually being around each other physically, it's like he's just settled on the most likely available woman. That would make me feel a bit used, in your shoes. It's like he's decided he wants a sexual partner, then looked around to see who might fit the bill.

I do think there are certainly long marriages which go this way, and I don't necessarily think he's deceiving his wife (as some have suggested), though who knows.

Sorry you're getting jumped on, OP. I think there are better corners of MN to post this in. Here in AIBU many people cannot fathom that their caged possession DH might be capable of platonic friendship with a woman, and are terrified he might escape captivity leave the marriage if he shares a nanosecond of enjoyment in life with anyone else. Plus the levels of reading comprehension can be staggeringly poor, as you see.

I think mature people who are capable of nuance and confident in their relationship do seek pragmatic and sometimes unorthodox ways of ensuring the individual needs of both partners are met, so that their shared bond remains strong and their shared life has maximum enrichment.

After all, making the life of the person you supposedly love smaller is not a loving way to act, and will ultimately destroy the relationship (or the person) anyway.

If you are tempted, do verify his version of events, and check out the principles of Ethical Non Monogamy, to give you all the best chance of a wholesome experience.

Seventeen years is a long friendship to be thrown into upheaval — I'd be off-kilter about that too, and quietly cursing — so I wish you well, whatever happens.

Apart from everything else, where is he suggesting you both have the sex? A dayroom hotel? (be prepared to pay half as he's so cheap)
Your own bed? His car? His couch? 🤨

Come on…. you and he are having a fantasy relationship anyway. Why don’t you both be honest about that and take it from there?