Flabbergasted - an indecent proposal!

[Arlanymor]

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

Yes it happens. Usually they're lying and just want a shag.

I guarantee this arrangement will make you miserable though.

Why are you WhatsApping a married man 3 times a week?

it made me wonder if actually this is something people do but is just not talked about.

No this has never happened before. A married man has never propositioned another woman for sex until now. You must be super proud! They'll probably name a bridge after you or something.

"Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits…"

You must either be incredibly naive or incredibly stupid to believe this nonsense.

Yes I’ve heard of this before. I don’t think it’s entirely uncommon within long lasting marriages for the sex aspect to disappear and for there to be a discreet agreement that needs can be met elsewhere as long as the boat isn’t rocked.

I'm sure it happens more than you think
And I would have exactly the same thought as you

It is a bit odd that you've not met in person for 17 years (no video calls or a single phone call either?), and yet you're still somewhat considering his proposition.

There is absolutely no way that after 17 years I'd sleep with someone with no idea of how they've aged or what they sound like now!

This absolutely will happen, probably more than you think! I’ve heard a lot of menopausal women saying their sex drive just disappears. Granted I doubt many would openly discuss the permission for their husband to have sex with someone else because they want it to be discreet. It’s a bit like open marriages etc. Personally not for me, but if those who choose to do it are happy and consenting I see no issue.

I think what you've described does happen quite often: a husband saying that his marriage is dead and he can't leave his wife but she's agreed to him having sex with other women so how about it, no strings?
How often it's true is another matter. Almost certainly this man wants a no strings affair with you, end of.

I don’t think that’s the I my option. There are issues of consent and pleasure that are absent when paying to exploit someone.

Put yourself in his position. Assuming what he has said is true, and that he doesn't want to pay for a prostitute... actually finding a woman who wants NSA sex with him isn't going to be easy. So it would make total sense for him to ask around exes, especially single ones he is friendly with.

However, it demonstrates he has no respect for you so for me the friendship would be over

Wow, what a shame about all the shaming. You've asked a sensible question, yet with a few notable exceptions, almost all the answers are assuming deceit by him, by you, or both.

Whoever said the variety of human behaviour is enormous was right - if you can imagine someone doing something, then someone, somewhere, is probably actually doing it. Something relatively straightforward like this is probably happening quite a lot, but the responses to this show why it's being done discreetly.

I also believe you when you say you have no intention of going there - it's perfectly possible to be sure of this while also envisioning what it might be like.

I hope you can salvage the friendship - something like this obviously makes things awkward.

Sounds like it's still a one sided relationship OP.

Would he ask a work colleague that, someone from his gym, club or whatever?

Probably not, why do you think he's asked you, what are you giving off to make him think you'd consider it?

That's showing how much little, if any respect he has for you.

A friend would be cheering you on to find a man, helping you with dates if possible or any other support.

Would be different if you were happy being single, but you've literally just told him you're looking for a future husband, and his first thought is to use you in the meantime.

This guy wants to use you as it's cheaper than paying for it. How's that not exploitative.......

And he gets to go back to his wife whilst you clean up after him. Some 'friend'.

How do you know she knows about you?
Through him?
Is everything through him?

You must be an absolute moron, you speak a few times a week on WhatsApp, he's your ex from years ago, grow up and get a life, recall your other brain cell back from holiday as you obviously need both of them to tell him to fuck off!!!

OHHHH NOOOO!!!!
He just wants you for a bunk up and a pint of winkles!! He has no responsibility towards you, he gets his rocks off, and you get??? He is also married, and old fashioned me, says you take the marriage for better or for worse, and you do not play away from home.
Because of my wife's medical condition, we have been celebate for years: but commit adultery??? No thanks. I do not want to risk my wonderful marriage for a few minutes of pleasure.
My personal opinion is drop the friendship. He sees you as easy meat and would just take advantage of you

Invite him and his wife to come to dinner at your house so you discuss it like the mature adults that you all are.

Take a photo of the expression on his face when you ask him for us

So he wants a sex worker - but a free one.

I would tell him to F..k Off.

Actually if a friend even suggested this to me it would end the friendship most likely.

I would be incredibly offended.

Nonsense.

Nonsense.

Because they are friends.

Friends do keep in contact. I have friends I message more than that.

Another man lining things up to cheat on his wife. Nothing more, nothing less.

Him "my wife won't have sex with me, I have permission to cheat, will you help me ".

OP he's a sleaze. Disgusting that he's discussing his intimate married relationship with his ex and asking you for sex. I'm sure his wife doesn't like that.

Surely this "friendship " is over?