Flabbergasted - an indecent proposal!

[Arlanymor]

Can’t quite believe I am typing this… I have an ex who I am still friendly with. We have the same interests, we get on very well, it’s all totally above board and we tend to communicate a few times a week via WhatsApp. We broke up (about 17 years ago) because we do not work together as a couple and drive each other nuts. We met when he was going through a divorce - which made things even more of a nightmare, it was a very one-sided relationship and I felt more of a counsellor than a girlfriend - and he’s now remarried. We don’t tend to talk about his relationship because our chats tend to be about politics, literature and work.

Anyway, we’ve been messaging a bit more than usual this week, mainly because it was my birthday. He asked me what I was going to wish for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and I jokingly said: “A nice man I think!” He then responded with: “Well until you meet Mr Right, I wanted to run something by you…”

Apparently the physical side of life with his wife has completely gone. To the extent that she has told him that she would be happy never to have sex again and has given him permission to use the services of a prostitute once a month! He doesn’t want to do this because it’s exploitative, there is a risk of disease and the whole idea makes him feel sick and he told her that. Then he said… “So she’s suggested instead that I find a friend with benefits… and I thought of you.”

I mean the whole situation is all kinds of crazy and I am not going to say yes. But it just got me thinking, is this something that just happens behind closed doors - people have these agreements - and just try and be relentlessly pragmatic about the situation? I did mention whether or not this was a critical point for getting a divorce if a key component of the relationship is missing - and he said that neither of them want that. I also said he might want to think about getting some marriage counselling, but she’s dead against that apparently.

Anyway, flabbergasted as I said. Also is it bad that there is a little part of me that thinks: “Sounds like fun!” We used to click so well together in that regard. I won’t say yes of course. But it has brought to mind some rather lovely memories from back in the day…

Yes I did divorce my cheating ex husband - this friend is the first person I dated after the divorce. They are not the same person. I have spoken to my ex once since the divorce was finalised, he is not a friend of mine.

Don't do it. You run the risk of being hurt or feeling used. Sticking to the moral high ground usually pays off in the end.

I bet his wife will be surprised to hear that the physical side to their marriage is over. No way has she given him permission. Playbook 101. Ask him if you can chat to his wife about this arrangement and see how he spins it.

you seem flattered by his well practised lies from the handbook of cheating partners

work on your self respect

Well as you can tell the ‘sounds like fun’ was me being glib - I’m not going to do it. And it’s not weird when someone propositions you that you think back to times past when you were intimate with that person - it’s unbidden, it springs to mind, I’m not sitting here reliving every second.

Where did I say I was flattered?! I’m not flattered. I’m confused.

Why are you confused? A married man suggesting no strings sex to a woman is sadly fairly common place. He's suggested it to you because he thinks you'd be up for it and it will be easier for him than putting in the effort of trying to find a new person to have sex with. If he'd contacted you out of the blue offering you a million for a night, that might be a bit confusing, as you might think, why me? In this case its pretty straightforward.

Yes OP, I agree that he could be telling the truth but the proposed situation wouldn't work for me.
As for FWB, that would never work for me either, although I know it works for some people

Love this reply! Do this!

I reckon it’s the wife who’s texted you from his phone. Maybe she’s seen your messages to each other and worried it’s something more so has sent this message to try and catch him/ you out.

a little part of me thinks sounds like fun

sounds like you are flattered to me

he wants no strings sex sex outside his marriage and you happen to be about

there is really nothing more to it than that there is really nothing to be confused about

To answer your question OP, I'd guess the reason he's brought this up now is simply bc he's bored in the relationship or wants a bit of an ego boost to see if he's still "got it" 🤷‍♀️

I once fell for the "our marriage is over, we've both agreed to see other people whilst we're trying to sell the house" shtick. All bollocks of course! His dw was completely clueless as to his cheating, until someone else found out and told her (and then of course I found out by extension). Apparently he was shagging us both at the same time and their sex life was absolutely fine.

Its amazing the lengths men will go to for an ego boost and extra-marital sex even when in a seemingly happy marriage.

People who stay in touch with their exes when no children are involved are simply keeping them exactly for this purpose.

Men almost never maintain friendships with women unless they think the door is ajar.

Can’t believe that any intelligent person would actually believe this BS he’s spouting. He clearly thinks your gullible, and will fall for what he’s saying. I’d be offended by that.

Of course people do this, people do all sorts of things. Some people pay people to ahit on thrm, some people go dogging, some people use prositutes. This is pretty tame in comparison.

But its not something I would do personally or get involved in myself. But if it works for all parties then crack on, everyone is an adult. As long as noone is getting hurt or abused or coerced.

Aaahhh bless him, he came up with a way of flattering you whilst basically asking if you want to be his spunk bucket. Nice!

It’s not bad at all OP, it’s natural to be flattered and a bit floored and a bit intrigued by this kind of proposal! Especially by someone you never suspected of still fancying you.

I think pps have nailed it though, it wouldn’t be good for either of you
and there may well be something else going on here. Not your problem thankfully.

Phone his wife and ask. I think we all know he is lying.

Exactly. "A marginally better option than a prostitute" <swoons>

My very good friend used to call it the married man handbook lol

At point little bit of. U= sounds like fun ,you are not really flabbergasted.

Fake shock, horror re Mrs NO,go fund you a sec worker , do you hand on heart believe that.was her suggested answer to her nn further sexual partner plan. Was it indicated alternative "friend" was gony be assured by a permission slip?
Std free certificate.
So you think he likely to remain sexually active ONLY with you?
Am not meaning to sound judgemental. Are you happily single, not in active sexual relationship nor inclined to be?
I can't see anything make you feel "special" bout servicing somebody else's dh. Is there intent to provide funds for you,non exploitaviveky £sweetner ?
You will no doubt have been cursed,pitied,attackt on here already.
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