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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won’t stop calling me!!

173 replies

Seafi01 · 28/02/2025 16:51

long time lurker, first time poster
I I honestly just need to know if this is driving me mad justifiably or if I’m just a bitch.

Bit of context so I’m not drip feeding.

Been with DP for over 20 years, have a teenage daughter. I’m the main breadwinner in the house, always have been. I WFH (self employed) DP works on average a couple of hours per day and will then be at home with me (also self employed)

DP and I have had some problems over the last few years that really have pushed me to the edge. I understand that this is where some of this issue may stem from.

My issue is that DP will call me multiple times per day about literally nothing. In the last 7 days he has called me 42 times. Some of the reasons for the calls this last week include:

  • One of the dogs farted and it smelled bad
  • It’s not raining but if it does, he’ll bring the washing in (because I asked him to keep an eye on the weather as I left the house)
  • He’s going for a shower
  • One of the dogs got shut in daughter’s room and cried
  • It’s cold

This is the general type of content the calls are about. It’s driving me insane but if I say anything he says I’m unreasonable and should want to talk to him about nonsense.

My brain is generally very busy, as is my life, so I enjoy a little bit of quiet time in the car, or the little bit of time to catch up with our equally busy teenage girl. He interrupts when I’m out with friends (which is rare) and it all feels very ‘don’t forget me’ (hence the link back to us having issues)

it’s not because he doesn’t see me as I make sure we spend some time together every day, whether it’s going for a walk with the dogs or watching a movie.

Am I a bitch? Or is this a bit too much?

OP posts:
Hwi · 28/02/2025 19:36

Another breadwinner here. You are not a bitch, our lives are hard compared with those whose dhs earn. Too much for one person to handle. You are absolutely not a bitch.

DecafDodger · 28/02/2025 19:38

he's a builder sitting on his arse while the house is full of unfinished projects? What a waste of space.

Tell him he is calling too much and you will not be picking up. Then consider options, it really doesn't sound like he is adding much positive to your life

diamondpony80 · 28/02/2025 19:39

I am self employed and work from home and my phone stays on "do not disturb" for most of the day. If it's an emergency DH can text and I'll call him back when I check my phone. Otherwise I just ignore it. There is absolutely no need for him to text and call all day just because he's bored or looking for attention.

LittleGreenDragons · 28/02/2025 20:02

Seafi01 · 28/02/2025 18:03

I’ll try and address most of the questions I have seen in one go.

He only works a few hours as he doesn’t have much work on. He’s in the building trade but doesn’t want to go on site (he’s not great at being told what to do)

The issues revolve around addictions. These meant he could be very nasty and manipulative when disagreed with. I stand up to him a hell of a lot now but I still find it difficult, so I do take a bit of a ‘pick the battles’ approach - I just haven’t fully picked this battle yet.

His circle is very small these days - he did used to do a physical activity that was quite social but quite dangerous resulting in a few injuries. Most of his friends have stopped doing it as they have gotten older.

I do the school runs as our daughter prefers to be in the car with me due to me being a calmer driver.

I do shopping, washing, general tidying, we share cooking and pots. We have a cleaner for the proper ‘cleaning’.

And there are a fuckton of projects round the house that need doing

Edited

Wow. That is an incredibly unbalanced relationship.

The question that is usually asked here is - what does he bring to the relationship?

LucilleLeSueur · 28/02/2025 20:11

Dillydollydingdong · 28/02/2025 19:10

How old is he? Just wondering if maybe he has early onset dementia? Those people can be a bit needy/anxious/ demanding.

This was exactly what I came here to say. My father-in-law developed dementia and in the years previous he had done this, ringing my mother-in-law multiple times a day just to chat. In hindsight it was the first symptom.

Maray1967 · 28/02/2025 20:20

mathanxiety · 28/02/2025 18:48

Acknowledge fully that you are angry.

Tell him any meanness he is perceiving is the tip of the iceberg compared to how angry you are feeling.

Tell him you have been more than patient with him, but since he has ignored your requests to stop his massively irritating bullshit, you have decided he is purposely trying to upset you, and you will not tolerate any more of this.

Show quote history

This! You need to hit the roof with him. There is no way I would put up with this. When I’m out with friends I do not expect DH to call or text - at all!! Maybe she the SC were small and one wasn’t well, but that would be it, barring an emergency. Just get him told !

treesandsun · 01/03/2025 00:02

What happened 3 years ago to make him start doing this? I would tell him you get one 2 minute call a day - use it wisely as no others will be answered.

MyBoyFlattop · 01/03/2025 00:17

All the time you answer the calls then you are enabling him!

healthybychristmas · 01/03/2025 00:19

So let's get this straight.

He has a problem with addictions.
He has a problem with his temper
He doesn't like being told what to do even at work.
He's a dangerous driver.
He only works a few hours a week
He lives off your income
He contacts you constantly for whatever reason is in his head at that moment and seems to think that you should spend your life thinking about him

What the hell are you doing with this person? Seriously why are you with this complete waste of space?

BoxOfCats · 01/03/2025 00:22

Why on earth are you with this man?! He sounds worse the more you post.

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 01/03/2025 07:35

You'll never be able to miss him if he doesn't go the fuck away sometimes. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Also taking calls during work is bad form. Even if you are self employed, that's your time to focus.

I think the only thing you can do is block him during specific portions of each day and tell him it's to save your relationship from being interrupted by a murder conviction.

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 01/03/2025 07:38

Ahh, I see I missed an update.

I think maybe first boot him out and then block him.

gamerchick · 01/03/2025 07:40

My son is exactly the same OP. But he has high needs ASD and needs a bit of encouragement that I don't want to know every thought he has without him feeling rejected.

Assuming your husband has no SN. I'd mute him during the day and tell him you're only contactable by text in future.

PeppyTealDuck · 01/03/2025 07:49

In my experience, this sort of behavior doesn’t change based on anything you say, but when your behaviour changes. Stop picking up the phone, stop explaining yourself or being defensive when you discuss it. If he brings it up say I’m busy. If he moans about A needs doing, tell him can do it himself. Stop pleasing, accommodating etc. and then he has a chance to be a functioning adult again.

JFDIYOLO · 01/03/2025 08:44

In my experience, this sort of behavior doesn’t change based on anything you say, but when your behaviour changes. Stop picking up the phone, stop explaining yourself or being defensive when you discuss it. If he brings it up say I’m busy. If he moans about A needs doing, tell him can do it himself. Stop pleasing, accommodating etc. and then he has a chance to be a functioning adult again.

Absolutely this.

And whether on the phone or in person I'd make your main topic of conversation what needs doing round the house and what this resident underemployed builder's plans are to carry out all the projects while you're at full time work.

Phineyj · 01/03/2025 09:05

Have you done the Freedom Programme OP? If not, please do.

Phineyj · 01/03/2025 09:06

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

DonnaSueWeloveyou · 01/03/2025 09:17

Why not just leave him?

Or if you do t want to do that, then tell him to get a hobby and take his phone away or block the number on yours.

healthybychristmas · 01/03/2025 09:25

Tell him to get a full-time job, not a hobby!

Lurkingandlearning · 01/03/2025 09:37

Addicts often replace one addiction for another. It seems some people are prone to addiction to the extent they will always have something they are compelled to do. And although keeping tabs on you is unlikely as an addiction as it doesn’t really offer a buzz type reward, maybe it is in that it’s now a habit he can’t stop regardless of what you say.

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and I think you will do so much better without him

pinkdelight · 01/03/2025 09:54

Some people seem to use their phones like this. I hear them on the bus or in shops, burbling on with absolutely nothing of import to say. If he called someone like that, they'd be fine with his pointless waffle. But he needs to understand who you are and that your needs and wants matter too. You're not being mean to him. He's being harassing and ignorant to you. He needs to get over himself and deal with his need for constant contact in some other way and leave you be.

DonnaSueWeloveyou · 01/03/2025 09:58

healthybychristmas · 01/03/2025 09:25

Tell him to get a full-time job, not a hobby!

Even better!

Comtesse · 01/03/2025 13:04

You sound like a highly capable, accomplished woman. I am not sure why you are putting up with this useless man. Seriously, what exactly does he bring to the table??

Itsarecipefordisaster · 01/03/2025 18:28

I had a similar problem with my ex. I went out with a friend and he asked to be FaceTimed into our evening - both my friend and her partner raised concerns. My ex said it was a joke. Hmmm. Expected me to put everything aside to speak to him. I ended up hanging up on him as I had a meeting. Would make a comment if there weren’t 4 xxxx’s at the end of my text messages. He had narcissistic tendencies and had his own issues he didn’t want to address. He’d drive somewhere and call me from the car, with nothing to say, just because he was bored.

I totally feel for you and he is being unreasonable. He seems very needy and insecure. I think if you want to stay in the relationship you need to get to the bottom of what’s going on in his head and why he feels the need for constant contact. Try and have a sensible conversation about it and tell him how it makes you feel - it sounds like it’s damaging your relationship. If he doesn’t want to listen you need to decide if you can tolerate it (you really shouldn’t have to ignore his calls but it might be the only way) and if you want to be with someone who doesn’t hear when you say something makes you unhappy.

catlover123456789 · 01/03/2025 18:45

This would drive me crazy. DP and I send texts like this that go unanswered for hours. Occasionally we call each other at work because our schedules are so different, but not for minor things. It sounds like your partner needs to calm down and get a job he CAN do to fill his time.

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