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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP won’t stop calling me!!

173 replies

Seafi01 · 28/02/2025 16:51

long time lurker, first time poster
I I honestly just need to know if this is driving me mad justifiably or if I’m just a bitch.

Bit of context so I’m not drip feeding.

Been with DP for over 20 years, have a teenage daughter. I’m the main breadwinner in the house, always have been. I WFH (self employed) DP works on average a couple of hours per day and will then be at home with me (also self employed)

DP and I have had some problems over the last few years that really have pushed me to the edge. I understand that this is where some of this issue may stem from.

My issue is that DP will call me multiple times per day about literally nothing. In the last 7 days he has called me 42 times. Some of the reasons for the calls this last week include:

  • One of the dogs farted and it smelled bad
  • It’s not raining but if it does, he’ll bring the washing in (because I asked him to keep an eye on the weather as I left the house)
  • He’s going for a shower
  • One of the dogs got shut in daughter’s room and cried
  • It’s cold

This is the general type of content the calls are about. It’s driving me insane but if I say anything he says I’m unreasonable and should want to talk to him about nonsense.

My brain is generally very busy, as is my life, so I enjoy a little bit of quiet time in the car, or the little bit of time to catch up with our equally busy teenage girl. He interrupts when I’m out with friends (which is rare) and it all feels very ‘don’t forget me’ (hence the link back to us having issues)

it’s not because he doesn’t see me as I make sure we spend some time together every day, whether it’s going for a walk with the dogs or watching a movie.

Am I a bitch? Or is this a bit too much?

OP posts:
Lucelady · 28/02/2025 17:18

Imagine what retirement with him would look like?
My friend's husband expected to be invited into her female social circle. I dread going to her home because he sits in on our conversations.
Mine buggers off, as it should be.

Diningtableornot · 28/02/2025 17:20

Of course you're not a bitch, but you seem a bit out of touch with your partner's moods and needs. Is he feeling insecure and fearing that you might leave him? Is he scared of being on his own? You need to have a non-confrontational talk with him; ask him why he keeps phoning you and explain that it's a not a normal thing to do when the two of you spend most of the day at home together and that it's stressful for you not being able to concentrate on what is going on around you while you are out.

ItGhoul · 28/02/2025 17:22

Kim5678 · 28/02/2025 17:17

Is he quite isolated and doesn't get out much/do much himself? Do you think he might've developed anxiety or a loneliness issue? Either way it sounds like he needs more to occupy his time so that the dog farting or it being cold aren't the news of the day

Except that the OP works from home and her husband is there with her most of the time. He spends most of the day in the house with her, and then insists on calling her the moment she tries to do anything on her own. Even if she's just taking her kids to school or popping round to have a cup of tea with her mum.

The issue here is not that he doesn't occupy his time. He knows full well that the dog farting isn't news. He doesn't really want to share news. He just can't handle the OP being away from him for ten minutes and finds spurious reasons to pester her.

WaitingForResultsSucks · 28/02/2025 17:24

I am afraid I would find this incredibly unattractive and a real turn-off.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/02/2025 17:24

Is the problem that he doesn't actually believe you are where you say you are, and he's ringing you to check (from background noise) or to 'ruin the mood' if you are with someone else?

GarlicStyle · 28/02/2025 17:26

DP and I have had some problems over the last few years that really have pushed me to the edge. I understand that this is where some of this issue may stem from.

What were the problems, and how does this spam campaign relate to your resolution?

PangolinPan · 28/02/2025 17:27

I would consider this really controlling behaviour and couldn't put up with it. It's what I'd expect of cheating had been involved and he's really insecure though?

CruCru · 28/02/2025 17:27

Honestly? This is one of those times when it is more polite to be direct. Having him ring you about small things repeatedly throughout the day is driving you crackers and makes it more likely that, should he ring you about something important, you will miss his call.

FairBrickBiscuit · 28/02/2025 17:28

Whatisthisbs · 28/02/2025 17:10

My DP used to do that - would ring me when he left work and walked to the car. Would then ring me whilst IN the car driving home. Then 20 mins later would walk in the door and we'd have nothing to talk about. Drove me mad. I told him not to do it, and he was most put out - took the "rejection" very badly, but has thankfully stopped it now.

My husband does that. I usually think of not answering but then I feel guilty. But I think I’ll start answering less and less. It’s really annoying.

neonjumper · 28/02/2025 17:29

You can silence only his number on your phone and watch if you have a iPhone ... I have activated this for the number of nuisance calls I get .

You just a silent notification of a missed call on your phone !

mindutopia · 28/02/2025 17:29

I would just block him during the day or anytime I went out to do something he might interrupt if you can’t not answer.

ThejoyofNC · 28/02/2025 17:29

He clearly needs to work more hours or get a hobby.

Tell him to send voice notes instead. (Which you can then ignore)

Tontostitis · 28/02/2025 17:30

Maybe you need toaddress the deeper issues. If his low earnings and very part time work is niggling at you he may be picking up on this and the constant bids for connection are because he feels you pulling away. I'd have a serious conversation, admit how you are feeling as it's really not unreasonable and ask him how he feels. It sounds like he's been cruising along and now your dd is a teenager he may feel somewhat superfluous. Which he is. These things are best faced head on.

LouH1981 · 28/02/2025 17:31

The devil makes work for idle hands. He’s clearly bored.
He probably doesn’t get how frustrating it is. It’s nice that he’s thinking about you but you’ll have to be firm.

EnchantedForestNearTheRiver · 28/02/2025 17:31

The fact you continue to answer despite being unhappy suggests you are cautious of upsetting him.

DoodleDig · 28/02/2025 17:32

That is suffocating and also makes him sound very childish. He needs work and interests away from you. I just wouldn't answer his calls.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/02/2025 17:33

Why does he only work 2 hours per day? He sounds bored as well as needy.

JANEY205 · 28/02/2025 17:33

It’s is crazy! Remind him this wouldnt be tolerated if you were in a physical workplace so won’t be tolerated at home. I’d block him honestly.

CuteKoalas · 28/02/2025 17:33

Dh and I talk maybe 3x a day. But it's generally about work we own a business so generally like , has xyz job been done so I can invoice it ready . Sometimes we may ring if somethings gone tits up or delayed.
Or the odd call to see approx what time he'll be home so I know whether to cook for us same time as dc or whether we'll sort ours later on. Or whether he'll be back to get one of the dcs from a club.

But not for trivial things

Hadalifeonce · 28/02/2025 17:33

Why don't you just block him temporarily when you don't want to be interrupted by him?

YellowRoom · 28/02/2025 17:33

This is controlling - he's not giving you a moment to yourself - even on rare occasions when you're out with friends.

ThinWomansBrain · 28/02/2025 17:33

too much time on his hands - tell him to get a job.
why does he only work two hours a day leaving you as the main earner?

MyLimeGuide · 28/02/2025 17:34

I don't get why you answer? By answering he is continuing to think it's ok.

Kim5678 · 28/02/2025 17:34

ItGhoul · 28/02/2025 17:22

Except that the OP works from home and her husband is there with her most of the time. He spends most of the day in the house with her, and then insists on calling her the moment she tries to do anything on her own. Even if she's just taking her kids to school or popping round to have a cup of tea with her mum.

The issue here is not that he doesn't occupy his time. He knows full well that the dog farting isn't news. He doesn't really want to share news. He just can't handle the OP being away from him for ten minutes and finds spurious reasons to pester her.

Show quote history

I agree with all you've said and I'm not excusing his behaviour because it'd drive me up the wall. I'm just considering whether it's maybe jealousy/insecurity that she is getting out and about while he is bored and not doing anything at home. Or that he has a similar thing to how some people with anxiety can't stand silence because then they have to be alone with their thoughts and feelings. Orrr he could just be a big clingy baby who needs constant attention and want to control his partner

ViciousCurrentBun · 28/02/2025 17:36

Checking up on you, sorry that’s what sprang to mind. My sister had an ex like this and she thought it was sweet, I didn’t.