DP won’t stop calling me!!

[Seafi01]

long time lurker, first time poster
I I honestly just need to know if this is driving me mad justifiably or if I’m just a bitch.

Bit of context so I’m not drip feeding.

Been with DP for over 20 years, have a teenage daughter. I’m the main breadwinner in the house, always have been. I WFH (self employed) DP works on average a couple of hours per day and will then be at home with me (also self employed)

DP and I have had some problems over the last few years that really have pushed me to the edge. I understand that this is where some of this issue may stem from.

My issue is that DP will call me multiple times per day about literally nothing. In the last 7 days he has called me 42 times. Some of the reasons for the calls this last week include:

• One of the dogs farted and it smelled bad
• It’s not raining but if it does, he’ll bring the washing in (because I asked him to keep an eye on the weather as I left the house)
• He’s going for a shower
• One of the dogs got shut in daughter’s room and cried
• It’s cold

This is the general type of content the calls are about. It’s driving me insane but if I say anything he says I’m unreasonable and should want to talk to him about nonsense.

My brain is generally very busy, as is my life, so I enjoy a little bit of quiet time in the car, or the little bit of time to catch up with our equally busy teenage girl. He interrupts when I’m out with friends (which is rare) and it all feels very ‘don’t forget me’ (hence the link back to us having issues)

it’s not because he doesn’t see me as I make sure we spend some time together every day, whether it’s going for a walk with the dogs or watching a movie.

Am I a bitch? Or is this a bit too much?

Straight to voice mail.

If he asks why “I was busy. Working”.

Every time.

Why is it mean not to answer the phone to him when he calls you an excessive number of times?

Would you respond to everyone who "just wanted to talk to you" 6 times a day?

Stop answering. If he asks why you didn't answer just adopt a neutral tone and tell him you were busy and don't let him make a big deal about it.

He will keep on doing it as long as you keep answering. It would be nice if he could respect your request not to call so frequently but as he hasn't it up to you to change the way you respond to it.

If you don't want to make an issue of it given the background, then you could try weaning him off by telling him to message not call. You can then control responses, when you reply and how much you say. It might also give him pause if he actually had to type "the dogs farted" and press send and sees how daft that looks. Tell him you'd rather have messages because it's not always convenient to take calls.

I would set up your phone so that it sends his calls to voicemail. His behaviour is maddening.

Or every time he calls you start listing a bunch of chores you'd like him to do.

Why does he work so little?

You sound like an empathetic accomodating type. It can make these situations hard because you mistake your own boundaries as being mean and rejecting.

You can do this kindly so not to betray the part of you that is kind, decent and prone to guilt. You can think of a kind reason to tell him why you can't be on call anymore and you can tell him what that will look like e.g I'm going to have my phone on silent, WhatsApp notifications disabled and will do what I can to check in over lunch ( if you want to).

If he tries to over ride your rules then hopefully he won't get anywhere because you've told him you can't and won't answer at set times ( for whatever reason you want to tell him. You could be creative if you worry about hurt feeling).

How he reacts to all this will be very telling.

I’ll try and address most of the questions I have seen in one go.

He only works a few hours as he doesn’t have much work on. He’s in the building trade but doesn’t want to go on site (he’s not great at being told what to do)

The issues revolve around addictions. These meant he could be very nasty and manipulative when disagreed with. I stand up to him a hell of a lot now but I still find it difficult, so I do take a bit of a ‘pick the battles’ approach - I just haven’t fully picked this battle yet.

His circle is very small these days - he did used to do a physical activity that was quite social but quite dangerous resulting in a few injuries. Most of his friends have stopped doing it as they have gotten older.

I do the school runs as our daughter prefers to be in the car with me due to me being a calmer driver.

I do shopping, washing, general tidying, we share cooking and pots. We have a cleaner for the proper ‘cleaning’.

And there are a fuckton of projects round the house that need doing

It sounds like a form of control you aren’t with him so he calls - it drains you so is like water torture

what does he bring to your life OP

It’s both I think

Just tell him you won't be answering and then don't.

Why does he only work a couple of hours a day? What is the domestic load split like? Does he pull his weight there?

Does he happily let you socialise with other people? Have alone time?

Does he have friends and a social life himself?

This would drive me mad.

Just don’t pick up the phone. DP can text in an emergency.

You haven't said who had problems with addiction and I'm wondering why?

He actually sounds quite difficult and controlling. Would you like to leave him?

You're clearly answering all the time bc your scared of his reaction if you don't.

Thats abuse.

I have a friend whose husband will phone every time she's out for the house, multiple times. It's controlling, he is 100% checking up on her. Do you think it could be that?

If we're out for lunch he'll make excuses to phone multiple times, in a meeting at work if she doesn't answer he'll phone the office and ask for her or get her daughter to ring and she if she picks up. My friend however doesn't see the issue, she thinks it quite normal for man to keep tabs on her like that. It is not! It would drive me insane.

His addictions, not mine

A builder that won't go onto a building site and who doesn't like being told what to do won't get much work.

He sounds needy and controlling as well as having problems with addiction. Your child doesn't like being in the car with him so the school run is yet another of your responsibilites. Does he have any good points or redeeming features? I'm not sure why you are still married to him. He doesn't seem to bring anything but problems to the table.

So the phone calls are annoying but really the least of your problems - he hardly works and he's an addict. I know you've been together a long time but why are you putting up with this Op?

Jeez. You are a grown up. Find your spine and put a stop to this. You KNOW it is ridiculous, and yet you are not putting a stop to it. Why?

‘DH, you phone me too much. It is not normal. Nothing you call for is an emergency. I will not answer your calls any more. If it is urgent you can message and I will call back if I can help'

AND THEN DO IT. DON’T ANSWER.

No discussion, no compromise. This is utterly ridiculous behaviour, what are you thinking letting this go on?

Calling that number of times for nothing at all is insane. I would be utterly sick of it and my phone would be on silent and I wouldn't answer. DH and I don't call each other when we're out, sometimes a message like "Please bring some milk back if you're in the right shop!" but that's it. I called him once in the last year because he was late and I was worried (he was stuck in a jam on the M4). But your H's level would drive me crazy.

My first thought is that I think he's checking up on you and controlling you. Or maybe he's just bored. What happens if you leave your phone at home when you go out our turn it off entirely? Does he flip out? From what you say there are bigger issues (addiction, lack of calmness when driving your DD etc). I'd have to say it would make me question if I wanted to live this way, especially as you're the main bread winner, you have all the cards.

Thanks. So he's not working much because he won't take direction. He's argumentative and you have to 'stand up to him', so frequently that you're picking your battles to protect yourself. He's an aggressive driver. He doesn't maintain friendships. He isn't using his time to keep the home in shape. He contributes less than you financially.

This is a portrait of an angry, belligerent, selfish individual with a superiority complex. Given his character type, I doubt his phone calls are anything to do with feeling needy - unless he 'needs' someone to be at his beck & call at whim. It's a form of control; he's making sure he is front & centre at all times.

Mystifyingly, you're paying for the privilege of having this antagonist in your life. Why?

Are you afraid of him? Your responses suggest you might be.

He is not a very nice person OP. With or without the addiction I reckon. He is massively taking advantage of you, I'm sure you know this, he sounds like damaged goods, life is too short to put your life on hold for someone elses issues (especially if they give NOTHING back) well done for seeking advice on here! It's a start!! You will eventually get the strength to leave him, just been through (going through) a very similar situation.

I think it's bizarre. Unless there is an emergency, why would you call your partner during the day, whether they were at work or just out for the day?

He sounds emotionally abusive, these grade A morons have a way of manipulating good souls.

Just don’t answer your phone.

For one thing if you are with company (friends, mum) it’s bloody rude to answer your phone unless it’s an emergency and I would be pissed off with my friend constantly answering her phone when she is supposed to be socialising with me/us

If he has a problem with it then that’s his problem not yours. And if he kicks off about you having time on your own then it’s starting to veer into abuse which should make the decision easier