DP won’t stop calling me!!

[Seafi01]

long time lurker, first time poster
I I honestly just need to know if this is driving me mad justifiably or if I’m just a bitch.

Bit of context so I’m not drip feeding.

Been with DP for over 20 years, have a teenage daughter. I’m the main breadwinner in the house, always have been. I WFH (self employed) DP works on average a couple of hours per day and will then be at home with me (also self employed)

DP and I have had some problems over the last few years that really have pushed me to the edge. I understand that this is where some of this issue may stem from.

My issue is that DP will call me multiple times per day about literally nothing. In the last 7 days he has called me 42 times. Some of the reasons for the calls this last week include:

• One of the dogs farted and it smelled bad
• It’s not raining but if it does, he’ll bring the washing in (because I asked him to keep an eye on the weather as I left the house)
• He’s going for a shower
• One of the dogs got shut in daughter’s room and cried
• It’s cold

This is the general type of content the calls are about. It’s driving me insane but if I say anything he says I’m unreasonable and should want to talk to him about nonsense.

My brain is generally very busy, as is my life, so I enjoy a little bit of quiet time in the car, or the little bit of time to catch up with our equally busy teenage girl. He interrupts when I’m out with friends (which is rare) and it all feels very ‘don’t forget me’ (hence the link back to us having issues)

it’s not because he doesn’t see me as I make sure we spend some time together every day, whether it’s going for a walk with the dogs or watching a movie.

Am I a bitch? Or is this a bit too much?

You aren't married.

You do everything.

You provide the money, the emotional support, the trips, the cooking, the cleaning.

He is unpleasant and has addiction issues.

If you walk away, he can claim nothing.

Why do you stay?

nailed it.

And he clearly has an empty life that means he feels he needs to call you all the time for general chit chat

He only works a few hours as he doesn’t have much work on. He’s in the building trade but doesn’t want to go on site (he’s not great at being told what to do)

Lucky he's got you to bank roll him then.

What did he do before he met you?

Don't even do this!! Just no response whatsoever the best way. Forever ideally, but I know ow what it's like to be trapped:-(

OP, you said his addictions meant he was very nasty when disagreed with .
So has the addiction stopped as far as you know?

Asking as you said you have lingering issues in the back of your mind and wondered if there's a connection .

This reminds me of the other thread where the poster started off annoyed about husbands fussy eating and ended up deciding to get divorced

I am just making my way through all of your comments - thank you so much mumsnetters for the support.

Yes, there are a multitude of issues, I get that. The adult in me (yes, the one with the spine) knows there are so many things going on and much bigger problems at play. I suppose I’m trying to work my way through at the moment.

You really are a fantastic lot ❤️

I sooooo agree with this!! Both my sisters have controlling partners, if i spend time with them (which is short and rare) literally 5 mins after they have left them they call them for something super trivial I find it so rude!!!

Acknowledge fully that you are angry.

Tell him any meanness he is perceiving is the tip of the iceberg compared to how angry you are feeling.

Tell him you have been more than patient with him, but since he has ignored your requests to stop his massively irritating bullshit, you have decided he is purposely trying to upset you, and you will not tolerate any more of this.

You have a harrassing cocklodger.

God, I'd love to just work a couple of hours a day and freeload off my husband, just doing hobbies and playing the piano. But even if I wasn't working, I'd be doing all the housework, dinner would be on the table, odd jobs done etc. My contribution would be the housework and home/child admin.

What the fuck does he bring to the table?

If you're in an abusive dynamic it isn't your fault OP. Saying LTB is just not helpful.

It took me 15 years of counselling to tell a highly abusive manipulative sibling to do one.

If you're a giving person prone to guilt and highly empathetic and compassionate, this is very very difficult for you to navigate.

I can't tell if your partner is a bit of a clingy wet lettuce or if he's a bit scary and manipulative and makes you feel worthless etc.

I’m wondering this. The Op sounds fabulous. Her partner sounds pointless. And unpleasant.

JFC he’s a walking disaster area.

He doesn’t work, has a chip on his shoulder about authority, has addictions (which are usually spendy) and doesn’t pull his weight at home.

What’s the point of him?

He's not great at being told what to do
Understatement of the year, perhaps even the decade.

The rest of your post - it's hard to discern exactly what this man brings to your life.

It's concerning that your child doesn't feel comfortable in the car with him.

If you close your eyes and imagine a life without him, how does that make you feel?

Is he controlling you or checking up on you?

"I'm not being mean, I'm sick of you ringing me constantly for no good reason. It's odd. I'm not going to be answering anymore."

Then stick to your word.

Turn the phone off while you're working, driving, in meetings, talking with friends, in the loo ...

As in - you are not 100% at his beck and call every second of the day. This accessibility has only happened in a relatively short space of time and isn't compulsory.

If he asks why you didn't answer, you were working, in a meeting, driving etc.

He needs to get used to you not being available when he clicks his fingers.

If he's a builder who doesn't work much why isn't he cracking on with all the household projects?
He sounds like a lazy controlling arsehole, get rid.

This must be absolutely suffocating.

It is reminding me of that drama that was on with Sean Bean and Nicola whatshername - I think it was called Marriage - did you see it?

Personally I would just stop answering my phone and tell him I will call him at x time so not to call before then.

If mine did this I'd buy him a subscription to OnlyFans to shut him up.

How old is he? Just wondering if maybe he has early onset dementia? Those people can be a bit needy/anxious/ demanding.

I thought builders earn lots of money as they're in such demand. I really wouldn't put up with him being lazy. Is he controlling over what you do, for example if you told him you were going away for a long weekend in a hotel with friends, would he make you feel bad about going or call you all the time when away. Both are unacceptable.

I think you need to evaluate your relationship with him - most people would be driven mad by his behaviour. Could you and he go to counselling together? That's if you actually want to save the relationship.

This usually arrives after "do you think he might be neurodiverse?" 🙄

Bad-tempered, selfish bullies exist. It's not a medical condition.