Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

How was is he trapped? Is it just the woman’s responsibility to provide contraception? Did she stick holes in the condoms he was using? Or did he still sleep with her knowing there was a risk she could still get pregnant. It’s literally an 1800s mentality to say it’s the woman’s fault. They have both been irresponsible and now they both have to accept they have fucked up.

Before asking me new questions, you'll need to answer the one I asked first. Can you confirm your understanding that the claim 'he will need to be on the birth certificate for the child to get British citizenship' was totally wrong, and not 'to all intents and purposes correct' as you've previously said?

He wanted the baby. It isn't the conception that trapped him. It's the threat of removing the baby from the country. The trap is - you give me half your house or you don't get a relationship with the child. Op has admitted and acknowledged this.

And yes he fucked up too.... But only by agreeing to conceive with someone who can skip out of the country with your child with no consequences. Just imagine the shoe was on the other foot.

"My Australian boyfriend has taken my newborn baby to Australia because that's where his support network is and I won't give him half my house"

Well there we go then, he chose to have a baby with someone who had already said she wanted marriage or some of his house. He messed up too.

FWIW I own my own house as a single parent and this is not a situation I would ever plan to be in.

Why? I didn't make that claim. I said that if he's not on the birth certificate and the child is on the other side of the world it may be very difficult or even impossible for the child to ever prove their right to British citizenship. Which is completely true.

It couldn't happen that way round because only the mother can take the child away before it is born.

Well he was naive in trusting her when she said it didn't matter. But yeah anyone who has a baby with someone with a different nationality has to be very, very careful. I know people who have been trapped in countries they hate for decades because they had a drunken shag on a gap year. Just don't.

Exactly this.

The OP has nothing to lose, does she?

She's brought zero money into the relationship and she's deliberately conceived a baby to use as a bargaining chip to get a man to give her half his house.

Note there has been zero suggestion from the OP that she might put her own savings towards buying a property jointly with her baby's father. Just "he won't give me half the house he already owns".

She's been with him for three years. She can't have been working that hard if all she'd managed to save in that time was the cost of a short stay in a hotel and a plane ticket home.

You've just been raving on about what a great dad her partner would be and how horrible OP is. You are now telling her to get an abortion when she hasn't said that she doesn't want the child that she is carrying.

If OP has a good support network at home, she can raise the child in her home country.

He wanted the baby; he wasn’t trapped into having that.

but he is now being trapped into marriage or giving away half of his house if he wants to be able to have a relationship with this child and be in the same country as it. That seems deeply unfair on him. He hasn’t gone back on his word at all and there doesn’t seem to be any suggestion that he would be a bad dad, wouldn’t provide for the baby and was going to be a supportive partner and provide towards her (it shouldn’t be his responsibility to 100% her, she should be also doing that).

Stay with family until baby born at least then you have more options. Security for you and baby priority

She's brought zero money into the relationship and she's deliberately conceived a baby to use as a bargaining chip to get a man to give her half his house

deliberately? how is this the OP's fault? if her partner didn't want an additional child, what should he have done about it?

There's nothing to suggest that he didn't want another child.

He did want the child. That's the point. They planned this child together. He just didn't want to sign over half his house because he has other children he is financially obligated to.

There’s nothing to suggest he didn’t want the child. He just doesn’t want marriage (at least not yet) or to sign over half of his house)

The point being, conceiving the baby was a way for op to get her partner to change his mind about marrying her or putting her on the deeds of his house. A bargaining chip. He clearly didn’t realise this and just thought they were starting a family.

Sorry, no I don’t have any sympathy with him. I’m also a single parent who has their own house, a house that will be going to her children one day not a new partner. No way would I go down this route. Surely you know from the start that it’s risky having another baby who will be another financial commitment with a new partner. What if he dies and her and the baby have nowhere to go? Or does she get to stay there until the baby is 18 as legally his estate has to provide for all children until they are 18yrs even when he’s dead. It’s a mess.

except...he was aware of the OP's desire to marry? therefore he is just as responsible for bringing a child into the middle of something that was clearly somewhat mismatched? or is it just the OP's fault? I mean, what did he think was actually going to happen?

I think both of you were irresponsible for having a child. At the end of the day it was a wanted baby 50-50.

You had a child with him knowing he didn’t want to get married, now you’ve gone to another country and saying you’ll be a family together etc if he marries you. I can’t lie I think you’re pretty twisted.

That she’d accepted his position and decided to have a baby with him regardless? Why would he suspect she’d do a runner whilst pregnant and then blackmail him?

She admits it in her OP. It's there in black and white. Do I do what is in the children's best interests, or what is in my best interests? And she's decided to put her own interests above those of three children.

Having a baby because you want half of someone elses house.

Fuck sake, poor kid.

Ahh yes, he is completely reasonable to protect his stability, but she's a terrible person if she wants to do the same. Why should she be content living there, paying half the bills, in the knowledge he can kick her out with no warning? You think thats reasonable to expect of her?

She doesn't want half his house. She wants stability and security for herself and her baby, which she can only have with her support network, not in the UK where she has no family. He doesn't want to be related to her, which is fine, his choice. But she is allowed to do what's best for her then, same as he's doing. The baby doesn't need a homeless, depressed , isolated mum. If the dh won't support her when she has a newborn she should go where she can get support.