Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

DNA? It exists even outside the UK.

Well lets hope he is, hopefully where ever the baby and the OP are they can jointly find a way to facilitate the relationship.

Your post seems really odd.
You said you planned to buy a place to rent out, unless you are living somewhere really cheap I can't understand how a hotel stay and flight home would wipe all those savings out. If that was the case it would have been prudent to get an Airbnb.
If I had a house I wouldn't be willing to put a partner on the mortgage or deeds.

Were you paying half the mortgage and bills? For how long? Sorry I can't see this info in your posts.
Honestly, and apologies if I misinterpreted your posts, it seems like blackmail...'Okay I'll have a child even though I know your feelings on marriage, now I want to be on the mortgage/deeds, now I'll only return if I'm set up financially if the relationship fails...'
You were not financially secure enough to have a baby, but both of you chose to get pregnant - which is absolutely your right - but it seems you had a clear idea of what you wanted financially and have trapped him thinking that you can get what you want via that route.

That's not an explanation of how this gets done in practice.

I'd leave the door open tbh. Tell him you're giving birth with the security of your family around you but you'd like him to build a relationship with his son/daughter so hopefully you can work that out between you. Don't go back to a man you don't love. I feel sorry for the child, a pawn in all this, so start putting them first.

Does the 'ok' mean you now accept that I'm right, and that the post claiming 'he will need to be on the birth certificate for the child to get British citizenship' was fully wrong without caveats? I hope so.

It's information the OP or someone else in this position might actually need, since if an unmarried father does want to transmit his citizenship but for whatever reason isn't listed as the father when the birth is registered, there's another option.

In answer to your new hypothetical questions, it's very difficult to establish British citizenship through an uncooperative unmarried father and may not be possible at all. It would be unwise to be more absolute than this with such minimal information provided, and I'd suggest anyone in that position get specialist legal advice.

The OP said she trapped him. The op hasn't said that he refused to support the child. He just doesn't want to hand over half his house to her... Probably because he has two other children who he has to provide for. This is entirely reasonable. He might have been happy to support both Op and the baby without a marriage certificate. All three of his children would likely have inherited an equal share in his property.

He didn't want to fuck off to the other side of the world to punish her.

In ops shoes I'd honestly accept that I'd fucked up massively and get my arse back to the place where I chose to conceive a child, get a job, get a flat, get maintenance and contact arrangements sorted and get on with raising a happy well adjusted kid who gets to have a relationship with both of their parents and their siblings.

Why? He played his part. Men who don't want to risk pregnancy can take appropriate steps , it isn't all on women.

No, the OK, means "OK, can you talk us through how the child actually proves his or her British citizenship".

Why inevitable homelessness?

I literally don't know anyone who assumes that they will be homeless if a man stops providing them with free housing.

Are some people posting from the 1800s?

I agree with you, but in the OP's situation, it sounds like she WILL be homeless if she stays and the relationship breaks down because she says herself she cannot afford the rent on a bedsit and she is about to have a baby, which will curtail her ability to put herself on a more secure footing. It was very unwise of her to get pregnant knowing that she only had secure housing as long as the relationship lasted. It sounds to me like she knew she was in a very insecure position before she got pregnant, but thought the relationship would probably last and it would all be alright. Now the relationship has gone wrong.

As I said, OP was very unwise to choose to have a baby outside her home country in a situation where her housing and financial security were relying on her relationship remaining good. I think most people would say that embarking on a pregnancy in these circumstances was extremely foolhardy. However, she can't go back in time and put herself in a position where she's financially independent before having a baby.

Looks like we're going to be going back to the initial post then.

It was claimed that 'he will need to be on the birth certificate for the child to get British citizenship'. Do you understand that the HO guidance I linked to shows that this is entirely incorrect? If the answer to that is no, what's your explanation for the HO guidance including a way to establish British citizenship without the father being on the birth certificate?

I think you've behaved appallingly. He told you he didn't want to marry or add you to the deeds. You had a plan to buy a flat and rent it out. Now you are the only one who has gone back on your words. He now has a child of which he will not be involved in. You are using him as a cash machine. It's the child you are denying a father because you went back on your decision. Awful.

But he didn't throw her out or ask her to leave. Despite having his financial support she decided she needed half of his house. Instead of accepting that she should work, save and create her own security whilst he was supporting her financially - she threw her toys out of the pram and left the country. And has now placed herself in the position that if she comes back she will have no where to go. She had a home. She just didn't own it... Like millions of people in the UK.

How is a heavily pregnant woman going to get a job when the reality is that by the time that's sorted, she'll have a newborn to care for?

Where is she supposed to live in the meantime, how is she supposed to afford food (let alone plane tickets) and how is she supposed to afford a flat?

Are you suggesting she walks into the local housing office and says "I'm pregnant, I'd like a comfortable, furnished flat, please?"

(Hollow laugh) If people could do that, there wouldn't be a housing crisis.

Lots of people on here don't seem to get what happens to destitute single parents with no childcare and no money in this country. It's far more harmful for children to live in some of the godawful conditions we expect vulnerable families to endure then to have sporadic contact with one parent.

The guidance doesn't seem to cover what happens if the father and child are on opposite sides of the world.

If everyone is living in the UK then either the mother can get the court to order a DNA test to enable her to claim maintenance or the father can get the court to order one so he can be added to the birth certificate and have parental responsibility.

How does it work in practice when the two people who need to establish a DNA link are on opposite sides of the world and not under the jurisdiction of the same legal system?

There's absolutely no suggestion that she can't live with the baby's father.

I'm no legal expert but I believe the OP would have to apply for maintenance according to the rules of where she and the child are located and then ask the UK courts to enforce any order. It would have to be a county with which the UK has reciprocal arrangements, so it very much depends where the OP is.

Given the relationship breakdown, unlikely to be a viable option. He may well wish to move someone else in soon.

Thank goodness he didn't agree to marry you. You have been a prize manipulator.

He told you he didn't want to marry again, with good reason. You both agreed to conceive a child together in the knowledge that you'd live together as a family. Suddenly, you start demanding his assets and marriage, even when he'd told you no beforehand because you were holding out to force his hand. You didn't get what you wanted so you've skipped off to the other side of the world to suit yourself.

You already said he is a great father to his current children, so it stands to reason that you're depriving him of the chance to step up as a father but most importantly, depriving your child of having a deep and meaningful relationship with their dad. You aren't interested in what is best for your child at all. You have thrown your toys out the pram and have no care and consideration for the long term repercussions. Shame on you.

I’m confused, if he had already said no to marriage and putting you on the deeds then why did you decide to have a baby with him? It seems a bit selfish to get pregnant knowing the situation but then move back to another country so he can’t see his child.

I think he’s not wrong to protect his existing children - if you split then you could get half his assets for your shared child whilst his other two children would get far less. A better option might be for your contributions to the mortgage to be ring fenced in a savings account so that you would have a deposit in the event of you splitting, or if things do work out you can pay it off the mortgage as a lump sum and be put on the deeds.

So the pregnancy was not planned by both of you? If he didn’t want to risk a pregnancy he was equally responsible for ensuring that he was using adequate contraceptive protection himself, or avoiding PIV sex altogether as no method is guaranteed to be 100% effective.

He has made it clear that he does not see you as a partner that he intends to share his life with, and he is not offering any kind of security. He has made a wise choice in not capitulating to your blackmail strategy, because it doesn’t sound as though the relationship would survive.

Having the baby in your own country with your family around you is the sensible option for you and your baby. If you were to have the baby in the UK you’d be trapped here. You can still make arrangements for visits if the baby is born in your home country, but at least you will have agency over your life and your child’s life.

The relationship has broken down because the OP has said, "If you won't give me half your house I'll take your baby away to live in Australia."

She wasn't in a position where she needed to do that. She had a home and a base from which to get her ducks in a row. But she thought that issuing an ultimatum would give her marriage or half a house but her gamble didn't pay off.

Even in this thread she said

"He knows what he has to do. He just isn't willing to."

Those are not the words of someone who can't be in a failing relationship. They are the words of someone who is trying to exert control over their partner. She would never have been homeless. She has cut her own nose off to spite her face.

It might be her only option now but it was certainly not the best option for the other human being who she is growing