To mention that my sis seems to want to take advantage of me

[lilslittlesis]

My sister and I are just 14 months apart and have always been really close. Things got a bit tense in my early 20s when I met my now-husband: he’s 11 years older and from a much wealthier family. She was not a fan at first, saying he was too old, I was only with him for the money, it wouldn’t last, and he’d eventually trade me in. Of course, DH is far from perfect and like all couples we have our ups and downs but in all honesty, I think there was a bit of jealousy: he’s tall, good-looking, funny, kind, ambitious, and financially secure (both from his family and his own work).

Over time, she’s eased up, and now we’re back to being best friends. That said, she still throws in the occasional dig maybe once or twice a year about me not working or asking if I’m really happy “just” cooking and looking after the kids (before anyone panics as I know MN dislike women being SAHMs with no income, I do manage some rental properties and have investments in my own name, but it’s not a full-time job). My husband and sister actually get along well, and as far as I know, she’s never made these comments to his face.

I have three kids (5, 3, and 1), and she has one who just turned 2. She has a good lifestyle—not struggling at all, but not exactly luxury either. Lately, she’s been hinting that I should buy things for her or cover costs. For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them), and after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?” They weren’t expensive, and I wouldn’t have minded, but it just felt… odd. It wasn’t a birthday, she can easily afford them, and it’s not a one-off. She does similar if we’re shopping and I find a cardigan for one of my children, she’ll hand me one in size 2yrs and say her child wants a matching one.

We’re also going on a short trip soon (me, the kids, and our nanny), and when she said she’d love to come, I shared the details, but she seemed a bit put out that I didn’t offer to pay. For birthdays and Christmas, she now requests very expensive gifts (£300+) for DN, even though we’ve never exchanged gifts of that value before, and she’s never bought anything close to that for my kids (nor would I expect her to!). If my children have a pricey toy, she’ll nudge DN and say, while looking at me, “You’d like one of those, wouldn’t you?” There's so many other examples.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I say something? Or just let it go?

I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't buy £££ birthday gifts or extra cardigans etc either. A simple 'oh you should get her one' or 'not today, perhaps for her birthday' etc when these instances arise would be the route I took.

It depends what your relationship is normal like. You say you’re best friends. Are you normally straight and direct with each other? If so, I’d say something.

@OatFlatWhiteForMe that's essentially what I do "yeah the cardigan is cute, isn't it! Are you getting it for DN?" and take my place in the queue without taking the cardigan she's holding.
Or another time when she'd done that with a coat I was buying I asked if I should get it for him for Xmas then, but she seems annoyed by the suggestion and said DN wants something more exciting for xmas, not a coat.

Yeah we're normally straight and direct... I think the issue here is that we'd been brought up by very dont-talk-about-money parents

My sister does this, but I kind of let her get away with it as she does earn much much less than I do! If I wasn't comfortable covering though, I'd say so (and will call her out and say no if she asks for something completely outrageous!)

So do you actually pay for what your sister suggests or do you laugh it off but move on without paying?

Are you buying these things (for you and your children) specifically out of your money that you earn or is it your family money (if you have a joint account or card that DH’s money goes into)?

If you’re mostly a SAHM with a “rich” (?) DH, does he give you an allowance or however it works?

I think my point is, could you mention that to her? Your husband is buying his wife and children things but doesn’t splurge on other people’s wives and children.

I have a friend who is a SAHM with a very well-off husband and I don’t see her as a “rich wife”, she’s my friend who I used to go halves on a £1 lipgloss with. I’d never expect her to pay just because she can x

@xWren

No, the money that I earn goes into a savings account and sits there untouched.
The money I use to buy lunches out when I see my sister, kids' clothes, toys, holidays etc are from a joint account with my husband where all his income goes.

I think my point is, could you mention that to her? Your husband is buying his wife and children things but doesn’t splurge on other people’s wives and children.

We've not had this exact conversation but when we've spoken about his money / his income, or if I've said I can't just pay for her holiday without consulting him (and if I did consult him I'm fairly certain he'd ask me if I'm deranged), she sort of shrugged it off saying it's family money, and cousins spending time together is a worthwhile use of funds.

Hmmm it doesn't sound like you have a " normal" relationship
She has massively overstepped in the things she said about your DH, your life and is pushing boundaries in an entitled way.

What was your upbringing like?

I'm not sure I'd say anything directly, but I would stop shelling out on stuff. The cardigan example is disgraceful really - her child presumably has clothing and the cardigan would just be a random extra that wasn't desperately needed.

Think of it this way. You have 3 kids. Kids are expensive. Not just when they are kids, but university fees, helping them get onto the housing ladder. Every time your sister tries to fleece you for a bit of money, just think that it could be going into some sort of savings account for your kids' futures. Even someone "rich" is going to struggle with all of that kind of life setup. And what if your DH got ill and couldn't earn.

And ffs £300 Christmas presents!!! NO! Wtf.

I would put a stop to it right now. The only thing that's reasonable is you paying more of the food costs as you have 3 kids and she has one.

I'm not sure. If someone is very wealthy thrn my buying them a £20 present could be the equivalent of them spending £300 on me. If it's family , I'm generous

I would simply respond with a straightforward message that you have three children to provide for and it is not possible to pay for a fourth.

I do pay unless it's something madly expensive/extravagant! But I think you need to say something if you don't want to keep covering costs any more. I think its hard to see a sibling with so much more than you and easy to slip into 'oh well, we're family so they'll cover for me' mentality (which all of my family has done with me and I've had sharpish conversations with most pretty early on. Not my sis as she doesn't use me as a money horse and I'm happy to cover bits to make her life easier).

She's still jealous and resents you having things she can't afford.
I'd just tell her No to £300 Xmas gifts - limit spending to, say, £20 per child, or less.
For future "hints" about buying something randomly just laugh and say "you keep trying" as if she's joking.

the lunch thing doesn't sound unreasonable - you have more children, and TBH, with friends that have a lot lees than me I tend to pick up the bill more often.
But the clothes, expensive gift suggestions and def the holiday are def. CF territory.

How much does she spend on your DC gifts - presumably nothing like £300 each.

Next time she comes out with an aren't you bored not working comment, don't make it personally directed at her, but reply along the lines of that something really tedious about having relative wealth is friends that constantly assume that you're in a position to subsidise them.

@YesImawitch our upbringing was good, definitely not as "comfortable" as my children's but far far from poverty. We went to grammar school and holidayed once a year, had all the toys we needed, clean clothes and warm, delicious, nutritious food but maybe not every single latest gadget

I have a sister like this. I stopped paying for everything when she showed the stuff she bought that I would never think of buying because it's too expensive...

@Lilplp the thing is, I don't necessarily pay for these things, or I'll say "sure, I'll get that for him for Xmas?" or find an occasion it's being given for rather than an aunty-bought-it-just-because.
Most of the time I will either comment that the toy / shirt is beautiful and ask if she wants to get it for DN or just go "oooh yeah that's really cute, isn't it!" and move on

I think if I were in your position, wealthy enough to be a SAHM and apparently still have a nanny, I would be offering to buy things for my sister. I'd certainly always pay for lunch and I'd be happy enough to buy my niece expensive presents at Christmas. I wouldn't be waiting for my sister to ask. But with my family and friends the vibe has generally been that we either split things or if someone can easily afford something that the others might struggle with, the wealthier one will always offer to pay.

However - obviously nobody is obliged to that for a sibling, and I do agree that if your sister is just outright asking you/expecting you to fork out for things when you haven't actually offered, she's being rude and trying to take advantage of your apparent wealth. I'm not remotely wealthy but I am a bit better off than my brother and I always offer to pay for drinks, meals etc - but he would never ask me to do it and he wouldn't just automatically expect it.

Not sure if her views on your husband are really relevant to the money thing, but I think it was extremely dickish of her to say the things she did about him. He's only 11 years older than you, FFS - it's not like you married some sort of elderly sugar daddy! I'd barely consider 11 years as an 'age gap' between two adults.

Ha I’m jealous and I’m not even your sister!

Seriously, though, I think you need to just hold the boundary and be firm. Look confused if she asks you to buy something for her kids and say, “I’m not an ATM.”

If she says, “DD would love that.”
You sort of just say, “Hmm.” And move on.

It is hard when there’s a massive wealth difference in families and close friends, but she’s definitely pushing her luck. The expensive Christmas presents thing is outrageous.

I do think you could be a bit sensitive about buying things, like clothes for your DC, in front of her.

"Sis, why do you keep asking my husband to buy things for you and DN?"
Because that's what it boils down to.

300+ for a two year old. What sort of gifts is she asking for? Her child has only had Christmas' and 2 birthdays är the most

I get that a conversation may be awkward but she seems to resent your good fortune but thinks she can tap into it. It would annoy me as it seems to be less sisters meeting up and more an opportunity to lighten your wallet.

Here's what I would do. The lunches, coffees, ice creams etc., I would probably get with 3 kids to her 1. But I wouldn't be buying the clothes. If she hands over a cardigan, I would make light of it and say something like 'Nah, not my colour or my size'. If she says it's for him (her child). I would say 'Nice try but not my child' As for the gifts. Don't ask her what he wants, if you are close you can see what he is interested in, your children are of a similar age you have relevant gift buying experience. If she complains it's a duplicate or he doesn't like make sure you kept the receipt.

Good luck OP.

@lilslittlesis @ItGhoul I would be offering to buy things for my sister!!!! @ItGhoul are you totally off your head! where does it stop? hey sis, I really love this car, can you get it for me? no no no. no matter how much money one has or doesnt have, everyone should split and not take the piss like OP's sister appears to be doing! where is the sister's pride? as for christmas, we would discuss beforehand. my sisters and I always had a budget of how much to spend on each child. usually 25 but at today's rates it would be probably 50 pounds. as for the variation in number of children, it would be fair to say perhaps 90 per family and we didnt buy the adults presents. the teens stopped getting at 18 and the adults started getting then. as it happens, I was the rich one. One of my sisters lived in Next and Principles but I shopped in Primani! she was always skint with debt up to her eyeballs. the other sis had foreign holidays twice a year and stuggled to get out the bit sometimes. I very rarely went away till the kids were a bit older. by then we had purchased a load of rental property and could then afford the holidays.

Exactly, it’s family money… has she worked out she’s not a part of your family yet? 😂
She’s your relative but she doesn’t get dibs on your family income just because there’s more of it.
This would be such a hard conversation to have without there being some bitterness I think 😕
Maybe keep on with the “ah that’s lovely I’ll get DN that for Christmas/their birthday” and eventually she may stop hinting or asking.
The whole £300 presents has got to go, can you imagine what she/they will ask for on big birthdays? “Oh it’s their 17th though, aren’t you going to go halves on a car for them?” 😂

I think she's rude for asking/taking/nudging about money. It's hard to tell whether I would offer her more gifts etc to her without knowing the relative financial positions. You saying she's comfortable could equal various different financial positions.

However, even if you and your DH are multi-millionaire level wealthy and she's on minimum wage, it's still rude for her to ask/expect in this way.