To mention that my sis seems to want to take advantage of me

[lilslittlesis]

My sister and I are just 14 months apart and have always been really close. Things got a bit tense in my early 20s when I met my now-husband: he’s 11 years older and from a much wealthier family. She was not a fan at first, saying he was too old, I was only with him for the money, it wouldn’t last, and he’d eventually trade me in. Of course, DH is far from perfect and like all couples we have our ups and downs but in all honesty, I think there was a bit of jealousy: he’s tall, good-looking, funny, kind, ambitious, and financially secure (both from his family and his own work).

Over time, she’s eased up, and now we’re back to being best friends. That said, she still throws in the occasional dig maybe once or twice a year about me not working or asking if I’m really happy “just” cooking and looking after the kids (before anyone panics as I know MN dislike women being SAHMs with no income, I do manage some rental properties and have investments in my own name, but it’s not a full-time job). My husband and sister actually get along well, and as far as I know, she’s never made these comments to his face.

I have three kids (5, 3, and 1), and she has one who just turned 2. She has a good lifestyle—not struggling at all, but not exactly luxury either. Lately, she’s been hinting that I should buy things for her or cover costs. For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them), and after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?” They weren’t expensive, and I wouldn’t have minded, but it just felt… odd. It wasn’t a birthday, she can easily afford them, and it’s not a one-off. She does similar if we’re shopping and I find a cardigan for one of my children, she’ll hand me one in size 2yrs and say her child wants a matching one.

We’re also going on a short trip soon (me, the kids, and our nanny), and when she said she’d love to come, I shared the details, but she seemed a bit put out that I didn’t offer to pay. For birthdays and Christmas, she now requests very expensive gifts (£300+) for DN, even though we’ve never exchanged gifts of that value before, and she’s never bought anything close to that for my kids (nor would I expect her to!). If my children have a pricey toy, she’ll nudge DN and say, while looking at me, “You’d like one of those, wouldn’t you?” There's so many other examples.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I say something? Or just let it go?

I think you are handling it perfectly already. Let her drop her hints, but you should continue to not pick them up. "Yes, are you getting that? Yes, that would suit him [walk off]. Yes, put it on the Christmas list..."

Re the holiday, if she is saying how nice it is for cousins to spend time together: "Good idea, we could look at some Airbnbs for a long weekend - what's your budget?" or "You are always welcome to come over to ours for a sleepover/we can come to you for a sleepover/let's go camping/glamping for a couple of nights in the summer".

1. Stop going shopping with her.
2. Lunches yes, fine for you to pay for a cafe if there's three kids with you and only one with hers, but then the park or another activity.
3. when she says things like its important to fund family time together. Call her right out... Ha Ha.. I'm glad you feel that you want to pay your way.
4. The £300 presents have to stop or how much will be you spending when they are teenagers? Next time she sends a list with really expensive presents on it. I would send back a message saying, you do realise if I bought all that I'd be spending nearly £1k? I see the disparity, you have 3 kids and she has one. So set a budget of sixty pounds for hers and £20 for yours. That way you are both spending £60.. and no more presents for adults. ( that's what we did)
5. every time she mentions you are better off.. shut it down. Laugh and say I won't let you guilt trip me!! Ha Ha... or Now that is enough of THAT kind of talk!

It sounds like you are scared of her and guilty for having more money, something she reinforces at every meeting. she is growing more and more entitled. You need to nip this in the bud before it gets worse and you fall out. We had a relative like that. They were much much better off than we were but still put in expensive present requests and would never pay for lunch and they were there one with three kids. It used to clean us out meeting up with them.

Its hard saying no, because you are made to feel stingy, lacking in generosity and mean. But think how mean it is for someone to make YOU feel like that. When in reality you are very far from lacking in generosity, but no one wants to have that abused, which is what is starting to happen here.

What are you scared of happening if you challenge her? That she will turn against you? Ignore you? You know that standing up for yourself is not a bad thing to do don't you.. but those resulting actions would be and that would also be her choice. Challenge that as well.

She’s rude and entitled. I have a sister who is wealthy due to partner job. I would never expect her to pay for me and buy me stuff. The times she has I have been incredibly grateful. When we go out to dinner I still pay my way, sponging off people is gross.

Sometimes she or her husband just treat the family and pay the bill which is very kind but not expected.

How rich are you? If you’re millionaires I’d be offering to pay. You can’t take it with you ya know.

No but let’s say the op has £1m in the bank. £100k each for uni in 10-15yrs time = £300k. The rest going towards a property for each kid. Then zero left. So it’s not like op would be bathing in champagne.

It's uncomfortable that she seems to expect it and has started expressly asking for you to pay for stuff. I do think as your financial positions are markedly different and and you also have 3 x the children pushing up a lunch bill, that it's nice of you to pay more often/a bigger share.

But it sounds like she's almost resenting you for your good fortune and getting you to pay seems a bit ... punishing? I am not sure if that's the right word.

I've ended up much better off than my two best friends from school, who were SAHMs for many years (with husbands on a low income). One of them was quite off with me at times and would huff and roll her eyes if I mentioned a holiday (not showing off, just as part of telling a funny story for example) or if she spotted i had a new bag. If we met for lunch I'd offer to pay. One friend would say thanks that's kind of you and carry on chatting. The other would over-order and get up and walk off when the bill came. I did feel kind of punished. I wondered if she thought I was patronising but on one occasion we went to soft play with the kids and i paid for mine and she then just pointed at me when it was her turn to buy a ticket, so she clearly expected me to pay for hers too. It's such a shame because it made me so tense I eventually stopped meeting up with them.

It's harder though when it's your sister and you otherwise get on well!

I didn't read it all, but I will, but I read enough to say no don't give her a penny. If she's sneery about him and your marriage why would she want his money? Cheeky cow. All or nothing. If you don't want to know me, you don't get time with my kids. If you won't respect my relationship and life then you don't get any benefits.

Tell her to shut the fuck up with the comments about just looking after the kids. If that was me she wouldn't have said it twice never mind twice a year for however long.

I think when you have friends/family with a noticeable disparity in income, the person with the most should tread sensitively. I wouldn't buy anything if you are browsing the shops with your sister. I probably would just pay for lunches/meals on days out, if they are 'ordinary' type places.

When your sister asks for expensive gifts for your DN, I'd just say that you've sorted that and it's more of a present from parents than an aunt anyway.

I mean, you could have a straightforward conversation with her but, rightly or wrongly, it'll be a humiliating conversation for her and it will definitely impact your relationship.

Personally, I wouldn't, the drama just isn't worth it. I'd keep doing what you are, but I also probably would stop buying stuff in front of her. If you like something just make a mental note to get it later.

I'm in a vaguely similar situation (though nowhere near as comfortable as you it seems !!) but my sibling and sibling's partner wouldn't dream of asking. Recently I've had less disposable income as higher outgoings, so I stopped splurging so much on gifts, there was nothing but gratitude for the gifts I did give. I enjoy treating my nephews when I can but I'd stop enjoying it the moment it became an expectation rather than a treat.

She's definitely being unreasonable, though it's probably hard to see you succeed so much more than her financially. Recently I went through a bit of a rough spot and my sibling was nothing but supportive, but I suspect they were a little glad to see my life wasn't as perfect as they thought. I don't resent them for that - people are only human.

She's a rude, free loader. Just because you have more money than her you are not obliged to treat her and her child all the time to expensive goods to match your own kids. If she says to her daughter - you would like that wouldn't you - I would say oh would you is mummy getting it for you today?

It is one things treating your sister and niece - it is another her expecting you to support her lifestyle and shopping.
I would say you seem to have developed an expectation that I will be the one buying things all the time. I don't mind treating you both but it should be my choice and not you trying to put me under pressure - do you realise you do this?

Nah. Sibling / cousins or not - that’s absolute cheeky fuckery.

I actually meant in terms of family dynamics and behaviours rather than wealth.
I think you are enmeshed and she is showing red flag behaviours surrounding boundaries and entitlement.
As you become adults, even if you are sisters normal relationships mean that you respect choice of partner and that there are differences between you in terms of money etc
She is beyond entitled to hand you things but not only that, to keep doing it when you have clearly stated your boundary.
I suspect she would go full tantrum if you stood up to her which is another red flag

Your sister is jealous of your lifestyle and wants you to pay for her to have things like holidays, very expensive gifts, and so on.

You have 3 children to provide for. You have educations to fund, your pension and retirement funds, and she's trying to latch onto your husband's income like a leech. She feels entitled to what you have and that means you need to put boundaries in place.

No one knows what the future holds and you need to plan for and fund your family's needs first. I think your sister is way, way out of line and I would tell her so. What's your family's is not hers.

Ok so to describe our relative financial positions.

She works part time and her husband works full time. They can afford probably one holiday per year, maybe 2, but it'll be on a budget and keeping an eye on costs. They don't eat out very often, but I think that's partly because of having a 2 year old rather than purely finances. They own a small two bed flat in Zone 4 London. DN goes to nursery 2 days a week. No cleaner

I don't work, cleaner comes a few times per week, plus we have a live-in nanny (because I would have gone crazy with 3 under 4 when they were all small, and to an extent still now!!). House in a nice area of (relatively) central London. 5-6 holidays per year if you include mini breaks. Date night weekly, usually at a high end restaurant or "experience". Child in private school.
The children do have a few high end or luxurious items but the catch is that they're often gifts from my in laws, for example my MIL decided to get all the children matching Moncler jackets - we didn't ask, she just thought it's cute.

@YesImawitch ah sorry, I misunderstood.

I think enmeshed might (? Or maybe I'm in denial?) be a bit far, but we definitely very very close, especially as children and teens. We shared a wardrobe for many years, were each others closest friend (still are?) and were very very in each others business in that we didn't really have secrets.
Our parents were lovely and caring and welcoming but never particularly pushy or tried to pry, so we have a slightly more formal and cooler relationship with them (for example - they never knew our salaries when we both worked, we knew each other's, held off telling about pregnancy till about 8-10 weeks but told each other the day we found out)

The behaviours you describe are not appropriate in adult relationships.
You describe her interfering in your relationship and a period of being " tense"
The handing you things/ expecting you topay.
It's all overstepping boundaries.
Can you challenge her about anything ie are you BF but only if you don't speak up ?

The tone of this post really reminds me of a one the other day where ops husband was earning 200k, she 34k and she was looking for funding tips on childcare

Just has the same writing style vibes about it

are you the same op?

You could tell her that you will have to consult your husband, especially over the expensive £300 presents, because you don't normally spend that much on your own offspring, and he probably won't be keen. For all the other bit-of-a-cheek request, just say you'll run it past him tonight and let her know. Admittedly, it's a bit mean to him to make him sound like a miser, but she won't want to feel like a charity case!

The gap in your lifestyles is very wide, it shouldn't matter but it obviously does to her, she sounds very envious of you and perhaps has it in to her head that you have an endless pot of money which she would also like her child to benefit from too.
Do you generally talk about how much things cost or discuss money with her? Does she think you are happy to buy these things? Because unless you're shopping in places like sainsburys or Tesco's I would stop going shopping with her if its a case that you are buying things for your children that she also wants, especially if she's aware of how much your paying.

first post nails it

Shouldn't matter the difference in finances.

She's jealous. Maybe always was?
You don't owe her anything. You have your life and your family. She has hers.
It's not your fault your better off, not hers either. So on and so on ...

The moment you speak bluntly about this, you'll be the 'bad guy' and I think deep down you know that ... I get you want a close relationship with your sister; but at what cost? Money (or anything) shouldn't get in the way of that; but it looks like, sadly, it will. I can only imagine what she says about you to whomever when you're not about ...

It's bizarre how you describe yourselves as so close, no secrets etc. but you won't bring this up with her?

To be fair, just reading that makes me jealous 😂 I’d love a cleaner!
It all sounds amazing and your family sound so blessed but unfortunately for your sister, it still doesn’t mean she gets to take advantage 😕
She sounds like she also lives a lovely life, just less luxurious.

What’s your favourite high end restaurant?
I want to live vicariously through your posts 😂